New Grandma!

Does your son visit you with the baby? Arrange shopping trips or to go out for coffee?

DH would visit his mum with our DD once a week. Gave me time to tidy up. eat junk and watch telly

I think you may need to have a word with your son about wanting to see your DGC regular.
Also do you have a close relationship with your DIL?

I didn't with mine so didn't feel comfortable to plan or want to spend days out with just her and my DD..and tbh im sure she felt the same.

Talk to your son, it's not just down to your DIL.

Just to add.. We have another invite to OP's soon as they have a relative visiting from USA and we haven't seen him for ages. Would be nice to catch up but am dreading a repeat performance where we have to watch OP's constantly fussing round baby while we watch from the sidelines. Grrrr!!!
By the way, I have sorted of hinted to my son that DIL's mother sees a lot of baby and his comment was...'we'll let her get on with it'. He just wants a quiet life!

Just wanted to give an update. My grandson is now 6 months old but nothing has changed. I haven't said anything to anyone - but husband and I are still sidelined and, if anything, it's worse. We were invited by OP's to an anniversary meal at their house along with DS.DIL and baby. Although DIL's mum had done her 3 regular week day visits just prior to this and we had seen our grandson very briefly only one evening by invitation , OP's were fussing round baby all day (of the anniversary) we just couldn't get near him, and it was only when DIL suggested to her mum that I should 'play with him for a bit' that she relinquished her vice like grip on him (sorry, sounds harsh, but that's how it seems). It's a real shame because we have always got on well with OP's, but saw a drastic change in their behaviour when baby was born . It didn't auger well when we visited the hospital the day after baby was born and were - metaphorically speaking - barged out of the way so they could see their daughter and baby, even though they had been at the birth, but it was our first visit to see our new grandson. Visitors were restricted to two plus partner, so we managed 10 minutes at end of visiting time when they left! I am SO loathe to speak up about this situation even though I am by nature a very assertive person. It really is treading on eggshells. I'm sorry to sound envious but I really AM when I am told that Dil's mum takes baby out for walks in his pushchair and they go out for coffee etc. Of course I do not begrudge her spending time with her mum but I can't figure out why we have to be excluded ! A couple of weeks ago I suggested that I 'pop in' and see OP's when they were visiting as we literally had not seen them in months but DIL obviously didn't want us to meet up and I have the impression that she doesn't want us all in the same place at the same time !! Could this be because her parents are quite controlling?? This has crossed my mind. Before baby was born and we saw more of them, they would often talk to her, in front of us, as if she was a youngster and not a grown woman in her 30's. I know from other posters that mums of sons often draw the short straw when it comes to spending time with their grandchildren but what do I do??? I sometimes feel quite heartbroken...

I bet GD would love that. My dd loves looking at photos of herself. Also loves photos of mommy/daddy/nanny/grandad as children...she can't get her head around the fact we was all tiny too!
Maybe you could add those aswell?

I agree with the men bit. DH isn't a great explainer. Yet when we did explain a few things to MIL it wasn't good enough. Maybe he's scared you won't understand?

However,My MIL is toxic. She is not a nice lady and because of her actions we don't see her anymore.

Aswell i read in the OP that you would 'offer help' is this babysittng? Or actual helping?
If your DIL has a poor relationship with you, and you're offering babysitting, she is probley feeling anxious! Instead of saying 'you should come round for tea' actually give them a date and time.
Build a relationship with your DIL as a women. Not just to get at DGC.

I think RedheadedMommy is also right in a far wider sense. I can remember that when I had my DC, everything revolved around them and not me, which was why when my DGC were born I gave my DDiL a present, one that was personal and had nothing to do with babies. In one case a box of her favourite toiletries to pamper herself with, bubble bath, body lotion etc and after the birth of second DGC I planted a lavender border in their garden, something I knew she wanted.

In our case her mother is the on-the-spot grandparent and she has given the whole family immense support, although as she now she is in her late 70s and the youngest child about to start school this is tailing off. We live 200 miles away so cannot give the instant day to day support, but we are 'doers' which DS, DiL and family are not, so we have helped with decorating, refitting the kitchen, and now the children are a bit older look after the children during half terms and they are now reaching the stage where they can stay with us without their parents so we can give their parents the odd break by having them with us.

It is very sad when grandparents start competing for the attention of grandchildren. Step back, look, think and then find a niche that you can fill.

How lovely to hear the DiL point of view. It is all such a personal thing and you don't want everyone sharing in the grotty bits. Part of the problem in all this is that men are such rubbish communicators so don't fill you in on the news then Its easy to put your foot in it. I feel cheered by all these blogs. So much love to go round and in the end all that matters is that little one grows surrounded by it. I am making a little journal of photos and little memories of things my gd does when I see her. Nothing negative but something she
can have when she's old enough. I would have loved that from my grandma. It is a good thing to focus on the joys.
Thanks everyone.

Also if its any help.

MIL was never involved with me, cared about 'me' what i'd been through/how i was feeling. She wanted the baby and would throw a strop if she didn't get what she wanted.
I was and still am, very much 'the oven'.

I didn't need help with my dds, i was getting use to being a mum, i was so inlove (still am ofc!) with my teeny bundles of joy. I didn't want people taking her away for a 'few hours'..
What i did need help with was cooking and cleaning.

Please don't make out to your son that the baby is all you want. He isn't a toy to be shared out in equal measures. If you are offering babysitting and you're being blanked please take the hint they don't need it.

What i bet my life on is they need a meal popped round or ask if they need any shopping doing.

For example. My dd2 is 7 months. She is getting up at 3am most mornings and tbh, im shattered. My dad pops round every morning while dh is at work to make me coffee and toast, does the washing up and other jobs and pops back off again.

Good to hear that view Redhead and that is most helpful to hear.

I am very lucky indeed in that I have 3 daughters, and yes, I do think that to start with they needed their Mum. But things have moved on now - the other grandparents are just as (if not even more) involved than I am. So bide your time Fairydoll and, as others have said, bite your tongue. Play it cool - it will pay dividends, and your time will come.

Hi!
Thought you might like a DIL side of things When i had both of my dds, apart from my DH, i just wanted my mum.
From giving birth to 3 months i was still bleeding heavily with..with leaks (ew!), had vile stomach cramps, i was very tierd and emotional, my boobs was allways out as i was still getting use to breastfeeding and trying to get into a routine..the last person i would of wanted to see was my MIL.

My mum was there for ME. Not my dds. She was there because her daughter needed her and looking after.
She cooked food, did the washing, made me tea, was there after i'd leaked through my last bra!

At 3 months after birth..12 short weeks i was still nowhere 'knowing what to do' i also had PND which not alot of people knew about.

I needed my mum. She is my best friend. I wouldnt of been comfotable doing all of the above infront of my MIL!

Just let them have time. 3 months is nothing at all.

I think there is probably enough good advice on here already but I would add this ; Do not under any circumstances 'have a word' with either your son or D-I-L. You have offered [which is always nice] to look after the baby, but if they don't need your help [at the moment] that is ok, because you know they are maybe being kind to you as you are the older grand-parents.Also, yes, the D-I-L will of course prefer her own parents to be there, she is probably so pleased that they are taking this interest, especially as they live such busy lives.It's always different with your own daughter and her baby than a D-I L, that's just the way it is.Children as young as the baby is now don't care who is visiting them, and will be more rewarding later on for you to see.Another thing, our children don't realise how much we love our grandchildren [why should they? I never realised that when I was a new Mother.] Lastly, taking care of young children [as opposed to simply visiting] is exhausting, let younger people do it; say to son that they should all come for the day/morning/afternoon to save D-I-L from having to cook that day.This is a common problem, but the less said the better to your family fairydoll . We do understand though.

I also suspect the novelty may wear off after a bit for the other GPs.
I see my daughter's children about once every six weeks, but I only get to see my son's children about once every eighteen months, because they don't want to come all the way here and we can only make the 1,000 mile journey occasionally. I do sometimes feel a bit jealous of my DiL's mother who sees them every day, but I also give myself a stern talking to and try to be grateful that they are not even further away.
I would say give it time, continue to be as supportive as you can and make the most of the time you have with them.
I really don't think our relationship with the GCs has suffered from infrequent physical presence, it is just different. My OH only met his grandparents twice, but he has very fond memories of them.

I could have written your blog and substituted our own situation. No one understands the depth of love one feels when a grandchild is born As mothers we gave birth and had that bond naturally but I had no idea how I would feel about a grandchild. I too have only one son and this is our only chance at grandparentingl. My fear is that the child will not recognise us if we don't get chance to bond early in the child's life. We are retired and have plenty of time but so far our offers of help have also been rejected but I know my DiLs mother is looking after the baby two days a week. it is easy to say don't be hurt but it seems to come with the job. The worst thing is finding out what's going on, on Facebook. I'm afraid I have stopped looking at it because it causes too much pain. Having said all this we all have a really good relationship so can just assume this is how things go and our time will come!!

I would suggest having a straight word with your son. You are getting a raw deal. Your son needs to realise how you feel and do something about it. I could understand your dil letting this happen if t h e baby was newborn. Yes, she might well need her mum then. But after three months she should be able to think of your feelings too.

I might add, with my children and grandchildren I am open, will ask and also express exasperation when dear disorganised son and DDiL arrange, disarrange and re-arrange constantly.

Ginny Here, here. I made that mistake with my parents, we saw them regularly but there was much I didn't do that they would have liked, but as they said nothing I assumed they were not particularly bothered.

Just to put another slant on this. Please don't always 'wait to be invited'. Ask when would be convenient for you to visit or for them to visit you. I spent years always being the one who invited or suggested a visit to my in-Laws, feeling that as they never asked they weren't really too bothered although when we did meet they were always very happy to see us all.
It is only since they moved closer to us after more than 30 years that we found out that they didn't ask because they didn't want to 'interfere'. Imagine what would have happened if we had decided not to 'interfere ' with their lives !

If you do decide to approach the subject with your son and DIL, from a DILs perspective here are a few things to maybe bear in mind.

You've said your DIL is lovely, yet you seem to be apportioning much of the 'blame' in this situation to her, she may feel very aggrieved if you aren't careful to ensure it doesn't come across to them as it does in your posts. Your son surely has just as much say in what they do with their weekends as she does, so be careful not to accuse only your DIL of excluding you.

Also, it may be nicer (and more successful) if you go in along the lines of wanting to see them ALL more and not like you're trying to just get the baby to yourself. Especially if you don't see baby much, they may not feel confident leaving baby and if they feel this is your only motive may back away from any kinds of visits for fear of bring pressured into letting you take baby on your own. It can also come across quite unkindly if you're driven on wanting them out of the way!!

No idea if these suggestions are applicable in your situation, but from knowing many mils and DILs who have had problems, these things could help to resolve this well.

Fairydoll. No it is not jealousy. You just want fair play. I have cancelled plans when my DD has asked me to do things in the past, which she has then cancelled without telling me. It's very thoughtless. My DD has been off work for a while and last week was her final week at home. She texted to say 'as it's my last week at home, shall we go out for lunch one day and you can come with me to collect DGD from school'. Yes great I said. OK she said I'll let you know which day. Then nothing, it didn't happen. I then got a text on Friday to say 'we didn't meet did we? We'll pop in at the weekend'. No sorry, no explanation, nothing. It's hurtful. We have taken her to hospital appointments, out for lunches, done her washing and ironing which she has been incapacitated (I don't want thanks for this, I am her mum) but a bit of thought wouldn't go amiss.

I think it is natural for a daughter to have a closer relationship with her own mother but travelling so far so often seems a bit OTT. My daughter lives 10 minutes walk away but I didn't see a great deal of her and the baby until I took over looking after him at 6 months, when she went back to work. I have seen very little of my son's baby as it was a difficult journey to see them and the parking was a nightmare. Now they are closer I see them more but I still don't quite get the attachment that I've had to my daughter's boys. I know my daughter in law has had a lot of problems but I still don't feel I can do much to help them unless they ask. With my own daughter I just walk in and do things. (Does help that because her husband is older there are no in laws now)

Ah Nonnie, thank you. So understanding...

Fairy I am sure jealousy does not come into it at all, I think you feel hurt and it sounds like you have tried hard not even to feel that. You just want to see the baby and family more which is very understandable. Just wonder if the novelty will run out for the others, I hope so for your sake.

nina I often think of a better way of putting something after I have posted too!

Thank you for all your replies, some of which are very helpful.
A couple of replies mentioned 'jealousy'. This is a very inapprorpriate word in the circumstances and simply doesnt not apply here. For example, earlier this week my son suggested I take baby out in his pram on Thursday afternoon, and I jumped at the chance. However, when I contacted him the evening before to arrange a time, he apologised and said that DIL.s mum had changed her plans and was coming over again on Thursday instead of Friday. She had been there all day on Tuesday and Wedneday. There is no deference to us, or our plans. In fact I had cancelled seeing my friend on Thursday afternoon as I didnt know what time DIL would want me to take baby out. When I discovered that other GP's were visiting again today (Sat) and son and wife visiting GP's tomorrow I was quite upset.....is that really jealousy?
As some have said, maybe the situation will change. Prior to baby's arrival DIL's parents visited only on birthdays (seriously!). and when they did their visits were brief because they needed 'to get back for the animals' and they had 'a long journey' etc etc. DIL used to complain that they were more interested in their animals than her and it had been ever thus. Often her mother did not return her calls as she was 'too busy.' So, you can see this is all a bit full on for us and quite a surprise. What do we do - just turn up when other GP's are there? We were virtually ignored when we popped in last time just for 10 minutes. Very hurtful. We are quite nice people (honestly!). Clean, fully housetrained, quite laidback (normally) and with a sense of humour. Are we going wrong somewhere?
Thanks again for repliles - I was quite overwhelmed...

Just enjoy the time you do have with your GC and don't make a fuss about the other set of GPs. There is nothing more guaranteed to get their backs up than jealousy over who sees the baby the longest.
The only GC I have are DS's children and I have never had a problem, when DIL's parents visit I stay away to give them time to enjoy the GC.

Congratulations to you. I think a lot of grandparents are in this situation. I won't bore you with the details of my situation be I too feel sidelined, but I have a daughter, not a son. To be honest I think it's 'swings and roundabouts'. I saw my granddaughter almost daily when she was small, and her other nan saw her less. Now the situation has reversed and the other grandparents see her more than we do. Hang on in there, it may change. Try not to get too upset, or into any conflict. I have spoken up in the past and it has made things worse.