The big con

It probably wouldn't help in posie's case anyway, as her husband would get very suspicious and angry if they didn't get any post at their home address.

Posie Does he have unlimited access to money? If he could not pay for this junk he would not be able to buy it.

If you have a joint account, can you remove all but a little to one of your own, just leaving him enough to spend reasonably on himself?

If he has his own account, is there any way that you can limit his spending? With a diagnosis of Altzheimers I would have thought that it must be possible for you to have control of his money.

Our mail is held at the sorting office for us because of access problems that kicked off last year( but that's a whole other story, not helped by husband & yes I did go to local MP- nice, but not able to help).

Trouble is I can't leave my husband at home at all, he's always with me, so when I go to sorting office to collect the mail he's always ready to leap out the car,( often before the car has stopped moving) to get to the mail- he's that obsessed with it.

He comes out clutching it tightly & unless it's addressed to me I don't get to see it. Hence missed appointments etc. Even the Memory Clinic 6monthly ones. I've explained to them I don't get to see post & asked them to ring me as well with appointment date but they don't usually bother.

Your always led to assume that there's so much help out there when needed, but it's sadly lacking in my experience if you actually need to access it.

Is there anyone who could pick it up for you?
Have you spoken to your GP about this problem? Or the Alzheimer's society? Or maybe Age Concern? Sounds like you could really do with a respite arrangement to give you a break.

We get pension credit which is paid in his name & collected from the Post Office. I used to have another card in my name so I could access it but he rang them one day & cancelled it. I tried to get it reinstated but they said they couldn't do that without his say so, & he refused.

He's recently grudgingly given me his card to use at the p.office. The money is then paid into my bank account for direct debits & all shopping etc. I then give him pocket money, usually £10 but £5 if I can get away with it as I know any money will get given to these scams etc. So it's not as much money lost as it used to be. However sometimes he accuses me of stealing all the money & other unpleasant things & threatens he's going to divorce me! Which makes me realise my precarious position.

My daughter says "well let him then because he couldn't last a few days without you & you'd be better off without him" Sometimes on bad days I feel like agreeing with this, but then I calm down & know I couldn't walk away & leave him to cope on his own. At least while he still has the capacity to know & understand what's going on around him.

Sorry, I seem to be hijacking Kioras post.

Posie that's fine keep posting. I'm glad if it prompted you to post. I hope you can find lots of info and understanding here. I'm in a less precarious position than you. Not so close to the problem. It must be a constant battle that wears you out. I wish I could give you some advice, fingers crossed someone can.

I think 8Kiora* has done a valuable service in bringing this into the open on GN - no need to apologise I'm sure posie stick around,keep posting and maybe some more experiences will emerge.

posie as I mentioned in my previous we did manage to get mils post redirected to our address but she did have to sign the consent form. It must be a very stressful situation for you.

posie Have you spoken to Age UK or the Alzheimers Society? They have a range of services including social get togethers for those with Alzheimers and their carers, enabling you to meet others in the same situation as yourself. You may also be able to get a power of attorney now without your husband's consent on the basis of his lack of capacity. Either of the above two organisations should be able to advise you on this.

You are also entitled to extra benefits. Is your DH receiving Attendance Allowance and have you applied for Carer's Allowance? Carers allowance works oddly, you will not get the cash allowance if you are retired but you will get an increase in your Pension Credit. Either Age UK or the Pensions Agency will be able to help and advise you on this and the Pension Agency will send someone round to help to complete an Attendance Allowance form, and I would advise that.

You have a very hard row to hoe. I looked after an uncle with dementia for 8 weeks when his wife had a stroke and that nearly drove me mad. To live with it all the time must be so difficult

I think this would be an excellent thing for Gransnet to start a campaign about.

Perhaps HQ has some connections in the world of the press that they could use to highlight this.

I did speak to Alzheimer's Society last year & the first thing they ask is have you got POA? Everyone tries to impress on me the importance of this & advising me that I must try to explain it to my husband.

Well I've tried, daughter & sons have tried others have tried & I'm afraid there is no way that he's going to give up -as he sees it, any control over to someone else! Everyone has explained that that doesn't happen until or unless he's not capable but in his mind he's always going to be capable!?
The lady that visited gave us details of local meetings for both sufferers & carers. Husband said he didn't need that' & had no wish to see other Alzheimer sufferers "shuffling about".
He himself can't walk very far because of arthritis but refuses to use walking stick or wheelchairs even those mobility ones in supermarkets.

I can see that it could be upsetting to see others in perhaps a bad way & wonder if that is waiting for you.
I would like to go to the carers support meetings but as he insists on going everywhere with me this won't happen.

She also got in touch with a social worker for me who came & asked me what I wanted. They don't seem to suggest things themselves. I asked if it was possible to get a befriender who could sit with him & let him natter ( because boy does he like to talk)while I went out.

Hubby wasn't very keen but I think the thought of someone new to talk at won him round. Social worker arranged for us to meet someone who she thought would do & I thought it was all arranged. Then she rang to say that the man had pulled out as he didn't think on reflection he could work with hubby. So that was that. No more input from anyone.

Except from as prev mentioned the memory clinic Dr. I don't think that really serves any purpose though. I daren't contradict anything in front of him as it just causes rows after. I've tried discreetly shaking my head out of huuby's sight & he told hubby "it seems your wife disagrees with you"
That set him off. He told Dr I was always trying to make him look bad etc.

Hubby said his memory was much improved since wearing medicated patches. So Dr. asked me if I agreed. I diplomatically said I didn't think so when in actual fact I wanted to say he had deteriorated. So he gave him quick memory test & he scored 1 higher than the last time! He even knew what day it was & he asks me that umpteen times a day & can still never remember.

Yes, FlicketyB, we do get attendance allowance & carers. A lot gets gobbled up on heating. He's always cold! He puts heating on sometimes in the middle of night when he goes to bathroom.

Posie and anyone else who is in a similar situation my heart goes out to you. Reading your words has certainly put my little problems into perspective. I don't have anything useful to say sadly, but wanted to send (((hugs)))

It always amazes me how little doctors, social workers and other professionals understand the everyday behaviour of people with dementia, they are so quickly convinced that a sufferer is far more 'with it' than they really are and think that just because they look alert and answer questions they actually understand what is going on and will then act rationally.

It seems you are getting very little appropriate help posie and I do feel for you.

I know when I first went to the memory clinic with my mother she did her part with her on her own after a form filling process with both of us. While she was doing her questionnaire, etc., I was with another member of staff who asked me about her behaviour, etc.

I was surprised when, at subsequent check-ups they did ask me similar questions but it is very difficult to answer in front of her. Mum is not as advanced as your other half and, with quite a bit of input from me, is managing but I know this will not last. I wonder if you could ask to speak to someone on your own? I'm not sure how your husband would react to this so it may not be possible but it might be worth a try.

Thank heavens for forums like this and I do think a bit of campaigning would be very well supported.

Thanks for your kind words & suggestions of help. A few kind words does give a little boost (& a few tears, don't know why a few kind words from strangers can do that?).

I'm kinda resigned to putting up with it. Don't think anyone can really help until he gets quite a bit worse unfortunately.

To get back to Kioras' post I do really think more should be done about all these postal scams. Once you get on their suckers list they are quite relentless, arriving from all over the world. They arrive to my husband from Hong Kong, Kansas, Canada(usually psychic ones), Africa,- just to give you some idea.
Because they arrive with your usual post, addressed personally to you & worded very carefully they seem very believable to the vulnerable that they target.

Hi posie and kiora just spoke to my cousin, whose FIL was involved in these scams. Here's what she said:
Her husband got POA and access to bank accounts and printed out all the bank statements and showed his dad how much money was going out (about a thousand a month apparently - and they were not well off).
He said to his dad that if he wanted it to stop, he would make sure it did. Dad agreed because he had not previously realised how much money he was spending (he had dementia).
Mail was forwarded to son who opened it, sorted it and then sent legitimate mail to neighbour for collection.
Once regular cheques stopped the phone calls started and he bought one of these boxes to screen calls, which was brilliant - you can block foreign calls, sales calls or people you don't want to hear from. (see link)

My cousin says it is illegal in this country but that they operate from abroad.

Hope that some of this might help folks.

www.truecall.co.uk/call-blocker/callblockerdescription.aspx