How can I stop people from 'helping' ?

I have a friend who does this and I say, ‘I won’t be doing that’
My ex husband would always offer an alternative. Drove me mad.
I don’t know, maybe they think that's how conversation works.🤷🏻‍♀️

Alie2Oxon

By the way, my trip only half worked. The card now has the right PIN, but still won't do contactless.

No suggestions, please!
- I will speak to the bank. End of.

You were very specific about not wanting suggestions so for everyone else - this happened to me only a couple of weeks ago. PIN sorted but contactless didn't work. Try just putting your card straight in to the machine and entering your pin - bypass the "tap". That registers your card for contactless. There are several other suggestions...if you mean online purchases then yes you need to contact the provider.
Sisters can be weird creatures. Mine is the blessing of my life but we used to fall out regularly. The last time (over 15 years ago) we didn't speak for 18 months. It was hell - for me anyway - and of course over nothing really important. We had a heart to heart where we agreed to back off if the advice wasn't welcome and not discuss incendiary issues outside of ourselves. She suffered a devastating tragedy a few years ago and I am guilty of trying to protect her in a (probably) bossy and unnecessary way. She says "oh yes I'll look into that love" and I know to back off.
Please if at all possible don't "go no contact". Life is way too short - I think you know that even if your sis doesn't.

Alie2Oxon

I'm in my 80s and disabled - but not senile. For heaven's sake, I'm just in the process of having a book published!
But two people in the last week have a) not listened and b) tried to get me to do something else from what I intended..

The last straw, just now: I phoned my sister and told her I was going to a certain (the nearest) cash point to sort out a problem with one of my cards. I had the day all planned...
...so she proceeds to tell me that I could go to Asda instead.
I said I don't need an alternative and that's further away, but she still pushed it.
- and finally hung up on me.

I feel all derailed for the day I planned!
I haven't quarreled with her for years now, and I thought things were better. She visited yesterday!
Last time we didn't speak for two years.

Now I am asking for help. Not just about her, but in general, what is a good way of dealing with this? Is there one?

Do we have the same sister. My older sister is very bossy and often spends a whole telephone conversation telling me what I should or shouldn’t do, I generally make non-commital noises and go and do my own thing. So a good idea to just ignore. Pick your battles and don’t make this one of them.
Funnily enough my sister absolutely hates anyone trying to tell her what to do, drives her up the wall.
Oh well 🙄

Does everyone else see?
I say "No suggestions please - and what do I get? what to do with my debit card. - LAY OFF! (whoever that was.)
FYI: I have - and it didn't. So there.

Still considering that very long post. Will come back to that, but I have to take a Zoom call at 4pm.

After setting up a new pin you have to use the pin once for cash or a purchase before the contact less will work x

Lathyrus3

My MIL would say “If you say so.” in a tone that brought the subject to and end.

“Thats a good idea” is gentler.

But basically a shit down and immediately follow with something completely different - preferably a question that they have to answer in some detail. “How is the cat?” or whatever.

Harder to deal with I found were the people who did things for without asking. It was one of the reasons I moved after my husband died because for some reason people intruded in a way they would never have done before.

Bought me equipment, did stuff in the garden, organised people to visit and told some others not to.

I totally understand your frustration.

I know this is a probably a spelling mistake.And I would hate to embarrass you.

But what is shit down?

Had a good laugh. Ho ho ho.

I think anybody over the age of 60, nowadays seem to be fair game to be spoken to as though they suffer from dementia.

The art of listening seems to be heading to the land of Endangered Species.

😻👍X

A ‘shut down’ to the other person’s suggestion. (Or all-knowing predictive text may finally have found a sense of humour!)

Alie2Oxon

Does everyone else see?
I say "No suggestions please - and what do I get? what to do with my debit card. - LAY OFF! (whoever that was.)
FYI: I have - and it didn't. So there.

Still considering that very long post. Will come back to that, but I have to take a Zoom call at 4pm.

Whoa there - if you mean me I clearly said that as you very specifically asked for no suggestions I was aiming my offer of help to anyone else who might have the same problem (as I did recently). Your reply with "lay off" in shouty caps is quite simply rude. I've seen some really useful advice here on GN so I'll offer a suggestion if I feel like it in case it helps someone else. "So there"! (To use your own words).

As the original poster, I asked "How do you stop people from 'helping'?
This is turning into something else. I give up!

Someone else can carry on, I'm not.

I had this with my daughter after a hospital stay in April. Yes, I needed help with some things but was still capable of caring for myself and she kept treating me like I'd lost my marbles or was a child again... It was my lungs that landed me in hospital not my brain.

In the end I just stopped arguing and went along with her suggestions and just did my own thing anyway.

Oh I so understand this! I too am on the receiving end of this kind of help from my only ds who frequently asks my plans for the day, and generally they are few in numbers, and then comes the help/advice/notes of caution. To the extent I get an attached map of the route she knew I would take with two or three options I should consider. I’d like to ignore the message but there are infuriating ticks that show I have read it.

Agree with whats been said - say 'good idea' and do what you like. But i guess its the attitude that's driving you crazy. Don't let it. You can't change other people, all you can change is your reaction to them. Try not to care so much - it's not good for you. Easily said, hard to do.

Did she think it would be safer at Asda than a cashpoint on the open street? Personally, ever since my sister's friend had her bag snatched after using a street cashpoint I use the post office for cash. 3 builders were luckily sat on a wall having a break saw it happening. They chased the thief down a lane and got her bag and money back. I've felt vulnerable at cashpoints ever since.

Best to agree and say its a good idea like other posters have said

Stop being so carnapcious! Your life would be pleasanter for it

I had to look up the word carnaptious as it is not a word I am familiar with. I see it's a Scottish word
to describe someone who is bad tempered, grumpy etc. etc.

Thanks for the explanation, Aldom - I wondered what carnaptious meant.
A good word 😄.

We have a man in our cycling group who is like that.
If someone is going to do something or go somewhere he always knows a better way of doing it or place to go. It's not a question of "have you thought about" but "you must, need to or ought to..."
I recently decided to buy a new (pedal/manual) bike. He told me I must buy an electric bike as I "needed" one (I didn't). I explained the type of bike I planned to buy and that I didn't "need" an electric one.
In a later conversation I mentioned the shop I planned to go to. He told me I should go to a completely different shop as they would build me an electric bike to my own specifications.......... AAAAgh....
The outcome: I am extremely happy with my new bike and perfectly capable at the moment of powering it with my own body.

Alie2Oxon

By the way, my trip only half worked. The card now has the right PIN, but still won't do contactless.

No suggestions, please!
- I will speak to the bank. End of.

I know you did not want, but when you change your PIN, my banks both insist on inserting paying with the PIN for the next transaction to confirm

Apologies if that helps <lol>

@Olivia51 off main topic, but I need a new bike because the pedals are right under the seat so my fat knees don't cope. Any suggestions for an easier ride most welcome

Oh dear maybe I need to look at myself, I’m always offering advice.

I dislike unwanted advice, particularly when discussing it would involve giving more information than I am willing to give.

Not the best example, but one that springs to mind is yesterday I mentioned that I need a new phone. I have fairly complicated (but boring) needs when it comes to phones, but a friend insisted on telling me what I need - she has XYZ, and I must be mad to get an iPhone when there are so many cheaper ones available, and there is no need for unlimited data, as 65GB is more than enough for anyone. In fact, I do need unlimited, and I also need an iPhone as I connect my MacBook and iPad for working. I also need a lot of storage for various reasons. I didn't want to go into all that, but she clearly thought I was either too dim to follow her instructions or just profligate. I'm neither - It's just that I know what I want and don't need unsolicited advice about it.

Another friend can't resist pointing out various ways of getting the best deal on things to do with house maintenance. You'd think she was the only person to have ever had any work done, and that everyone's priorities are the same as hers. One difference is that her husband is younger than mine, and happy to carry out hard labour, and for various reasons I don't want mine doing that. None of her business, but when she's in full flight, there is no way to sidestep it, as she offers to phone people who live near me to see if the man who did Carole's driveway in 2001 is still available, or sort out an appointment for a quote. She also believes that because she has no boundaries when it comes to talking about personal matters, I should be happy to tell her anything she's curious about. Not my style, though.

I think that if someone says 'I am looking into doing X, and wondered if you had any experience/advice/thoughts' then fine - opine away. But without an invitation it's best to keep your thoughts to yourself, or offer a brief 'So and so has a sale on' sort of comment, and leave it at that. I might sometimes say (usually to my children) 'do you want suggestions, or are you just chatting?' which saves any misunderstanding.

@FranP
I'd be the last person to tell you what you need!.... But I have just bought a ladies' hybrid, quite light with only 9 gears. It sounds as though your seat may not be high enough, raising it even just a few cms makes all the difference.
A good bike shop would be able to advise.
Apologies to everyone for completely digressing.
In answer to the main topic, how to stop people from "helping", I tend to mumble OK when people tell me what I should, need or ought to do/be doing/have done and then do the complete opposite.

FranP

Apologies if that helps <lol>

Haha!! Love it.