Problems ex daughter-in-law

Often too, I’ve been the one to tell my son the ex has got a new BF and he’s moved in! The ex has not told him.

You seem to have a very strange idea of the relationship between your son and his ex-wife. They are divorced and what she does now is her business; she is independent of him now even though he may pay maintenance.
He has every right to be concerned in his daughter's welfare, but it is up to him to check, not you.

So what's your son, the girl's father, doing about all of this? Apart from running to his mother with horror stories. He has every bit as much responsibility as the child's mother to protect her.

Thank you for your response Pearly34. I am pleased for you that things seem clearer for you and I applaud your reflection - well done 👏.

I didn't use the word "interrogation", I used the word "questioning". However discussion of Mum's boyfriend is not a usual/ appropriate conversation to have with an 8 year old so may have the impact of feeling like that on occasion to your GD, even though she will have no understanding what the word interrogation means.

Clearly you love your GD and thats all that she needs from you. It's your greatest gift to her and she is a lucky girl if she can continue to experience that from you as her parents come to terms with the breakdown of their relationship and life settles down all round- however long that may take. You can be the safe harbour...

Continue to enjoy the time you spend together- I wish you all the best 💐

Totally agree with Blessedart! Ifuou carry on likethat you may lose contact with your GD completely! Let your son do that.

I think that in the long-term, it will be very valuable for you to have a trusting relationship with your GD. She needs to know that you are non-judgemental. Then, if there really is something that she needs to be able to share in the future, she will find it much easier. I think you need to work as hard as you can to put your feelings to one side, and work on building that trust. Otherwise your GD will start to withhold information.

A couple of years ago, someone in our family was in a similar situation. Luckily the child trusted stepmum enough to share information that really did need to be acted upon. There has been a very positive outcome, which might not have come about if the child had not felt able to talk about her mum (who she loves very much) for fear that she would be judged.

BlessedArt

Please stop interrogating your granddaughter. You are making her uncomfortable and she reported it to her mum. Next step may be reduced contact.

If you are concerned, speak to your son so that he may speak to his child. That’s his job, not yours. It’s really not your place to put the child in a position to report back to you on her mum’s personal life. It’s really baffling you do not see how inappropriate your behaviour is here. The child is fully aware that you detest her mother. She doesn’t like what you are doing. Stop putting your feelings before hers or she will want to spend less time with you, and rightfully so. Whatever you feel about her mother’s choices, her mother is more important to her than you are. You are risking ruining your relationship with your grandchild, as children do not often maintain fondness of people who hate their parents. Never underestimate a child’s love of and loyalty to her mother.

I couldn't agree with this more.

You do bring up your ex daughter in law by asking about her new boyfriends.