Problems ex daughter-in-law

You do bring up your ex daughter in law by asking about her new boyfriends.

BlessedArt

Please stop interrogating your granddaughter. You are making her uncomfortable and she reported it to her mum. Next step may be reduced contact.

If you are concerned, speak to your son so that he may speak to his child. That’s his job, not yours. It’s really not your place to put the child in a position to report back to you on her mum’s personal life. It’s really baffling you do not see how inappropriate your behaviour is here. The child is fully aware that you detest her mother. She doesn’t like what you are doing. Stop putting your feelings before hers or she will want to spend less time with you, and rightfully so. Whatever you feel about her mother’s choices, her mother is more important to her than you are. You are risking ruining your relationship with your grandchild, as children do not often maintain fondness of people who hate their parents. Never underestimate a child’s love of and loyalty to her mother.

I couldn't agree with this more.

I think that in the long-term, it will be very valuable for you to have a trusting relationship with your GD. She needs to know that you are non-judgemental. Then, if there really is something that she needs to be able to share in the future, she will find it much easier. I think you need to work as hard as you can to put your feelings to one side, and work on building that trust. Otherwise your GD will start to withhold information.

A couple of years ago, someone in our family was in a similar situation. Luckily the child trusted stepmum enough to share information that really did need to be acted upon. There has been a very positive outcome, which might not have come about if the child had not felt able to talk about her mum (who she loves very much) for fear that she would be judged.

Totally agree with Blessedart! Ifuou carry on likethat you may lose contact with your GD completely! Let your son do that.

Thank you for your response Pearly34. I am pleased for you that things seem clearer for you and I applaud your reflection - well done 👏.

I didn't use the word "interrogation", I used the word "questioning". However discussion of Mum's boyfriend is not a usual/ appropriate conversation to have with an 8 year old so may have the impact of feeling like that on occasion to your GD, even though she will have no understanding what the word interrogation means.

Clearly you love your GD and thats all that she needs from you. It's your greatest gift to her and she is a lucky girl if she can continue to experience that from you as her parents come to terms with the breakdown of their relationship and life settles down all round- however long that may take. You can be the safe harbour...

Continue to enjoy the time you spend together- I wish you all the best 💐

So what's your son, the girl's father, doing about all of this? Apart from running to his mother with horror stories. He has every bit as much responsibility as the child's mother to protect her.

Often too, I’ve been the one to tell my son the ex has got a new BF and he’s moved in! The ex has not told him.

You seem to have a very strange idea of the relationship between your son and his ex-wife. They are divorced and what she does now is her business; she is independent of him now even though he may pay maintenance.
He has every right to be concerned in his daughter's welfare, but it is up to him to check, not you.

Hope these posts have helped you, and that you continue to enjoy visits from your GD.

I have a lovely Dil, but if I hadn't, I would always ask grandchild, how is mummy, when answer is ok I sound reply that's good then. Parents come first. Just to see them is lovely.

I am a foster carer and therefore look after children whose parents have often been neglectful and abusive to them. When they have any contact with them I always ask "how was mummy today?" and reply enthusiastically to anything positive the parents may have done or sad, I do this for the child's sake so they "know" I do not hold any ill will, and also means they are more open with me about anything negative also. Sometimes negative things that I need to pass onto Social Services. No matter what the parents may have done I always remember the child loves them. And therefore I owe it to them to be pleasant, no matter what I secretly feel inside. I believe if the child knew any negative feelings I had they would not be able to be open and honest with me about them.

This is definitely for your son to deal with. He has every right to know what men are being brought into your granddaughter’s life and needs to question who they are and not wait for you to ask questions. He sounds as if he needs to man up.

Thank you so so much LemonJam - fantastic
advice - such a lot of wisdom in your comments.
I am thinking much more clearly now and
will be making some changes to my attitude and
how I communicate with my GD.
Just one thing I feel the need to clarify … the “interrogation”
about BF has been more of a chat - my GD may
mention a man’s name and I’ve asked who it is. Then she will say “mums new BF” so I have asked about him, does she like, is he nice to her etc. I have thought it would have sounded like a natural conversation but obviously my GD hasn’t seen it like that - especially as I never ask about her mum.
But I’m mindful now.
Often too, I’ve been the one to tell my son the ex has got a new BF and he’s moved in! The ex has not told him.
But - I agree- this is for my son to manage.
Thank you again 😊

Facts: Your grand daughter is young, 8 years old, the 2 most important people in her life are her Mum and her Dad and no doubt she loves them both dearly.

Despite the break down of her parent' s relationship her parents still communicate and discuss her welfare- this is not always the case and a positive sign. Further you have contact with your grand daughter and she appears to be left alone in your company without your son being present (otherwise you son would hear you inappropriately asking questions about her mum's boyfriends and would stop you at source). This no doubt is facilitated to date and thus far allowed/tolerated/ supported by your ex daughter in law. A gift and positive thing for you that I'm sure you would not want to put at risk?

However rather than being grateful for this contact to enjoy time alone with your GD. i.e entirely focussing on enjoying that time together, you are also creating tension by making your grand daughter aware that you do not like her Mum. You are in fact jeopardising your current contact.

Your grand daughter loves her Mum so she must feel very confused and upset when she picks up that you "detest" 9 your description) as she loves her. You are also questioning her about her mum's "boyfriends". An 8 year old is not a reliable "witness" for you to satisfy your curiosity about such matters. I don't think it's reasonable for you to question her as you have.

Your granddaughter has told her Mum that you don't like her ( you admit you detest her) and that you are asking her uncomfortable, confusing questions about her mum's private life. This has resulted in your ex daughter in law complaining to your son. Your son has then asked you to keep the peace.

This is not manipulation and I do think you are being unreasonable. It is in your hands now to make things better for your grand daughter when she visits and to help reduce the tension you have caused between your son and your ex daughter in law as a result of your behaviour. That tension is not good for your grand daughter's health and well being- fact.

This may not be what you were hoping to hear but you did ask the question AIBU and I share my personal view.

I kindly suggest you reflect on the following considerations to try and see your situation from another perspective:
1) How can what you son is asking be manipulation in any way? 2) Do you want your grand daughter to feel upset that you don't like her Mum?
3) Do you want your 8 year old grand daughter to feel confused and upset and put in a difficult situation by you asking her questions about her mum's "boyfriends"?
4) Are you intentionally seeking to create tension between your son and your ex daughter in law because you detest your ex daughter in law?
5) Do you want your GD to fear spending time you because it creates tension all round?

If the answer to any of those questions is No- please do as your son asks and focus on your grand daughter's needs. She needs to feel comfortable and safe in your home when she visits.

Your ex daughter in law and son do communicate about their daughter's welfare- a good thing. They have prime responsibility to protect her well being and happiness. If your son, at any stage, has concerns about his daughter's welfare whilst in the care of her mother- that is for him to address. Share any concerns you may have with him and trust him to continue to safeguard his daughter's well being. You raised him so hopefully you have trust and confidence in him.

Sorry, I agree with Easybee's post.

eazybee

My further advice to you is that you let go of the hatred you feel against your ex-daughter in law,which will sour your relationship with your granddaughter, and stop trying to exert influence over your 'passive' son .

I agree with this post, The Mother was wrong leaving a 3 year old with a man who had s brain condition and anger issues, but your son should have dealt with it, not go running to you.
I also think you are intrusive asking the child about her Mothers boyfriends, lay off and let your son deal with it. You are going the right way for this woman to consider not letting her child visit you.
When the child visits do not ask sbout Mothers boyfriends, ask how Mum is, it's not manipulation, it's basic manners. The child has picked up on your attitude so mend fences quickly.
You may not agree with your dil lifestyle, but it seems the child is ok.

When splits happen I do think we need to be able to tolerate a lot of uncomfortable fence sitting if grandchildren are to come through it without too much confusion and distress.

I know it’s hard pearly but your granddaughter really shouldn’t know how much you dislike her mum. A quiet question about her Mums welfare or a sympathetic comment if she’s unwell is all it takes. Perhaps show a bit more interest when your granddaughter is excited about something she’s done with her mum. Let her chat about it. You’ll learn a lot by not asking questions. No matter your feelings your ex daughter in law will always have a connection to you as the mother of your much loved grandchild.

Just as we learn on the job when we have a baby we also learn on the job when a marriage ends. We don’t always get it right first time. Try to relax a bit, enjoy your granddaughter and I’m sure all will be well. If she sees you as more accepting your granddaughter is less likely to be guarded when she talks about her life, in that way you’ll know if there is anything specific for your son to deal with. It is his job, not yours. Wishing you well.

Pearly34

Thanks Eazybee, you have some valid points but I disagree
that my GD safety is nothing to do with me. Of course it is - doesn’t it take a village to raise a child? Don’t children need a number of trusted adults in their lives, not just a parent - who often is detrimental to their safety and wellbeing? I will always look out for my GD and point out to her father my concerns. And I would not hesitate to contact social services if there is any evidence she is at risk - if my son did not do so.
This mother left my GD (aged 3 yrs) in care of one BF who we later learned had a brain injury and anger issues. The ex DIL told my son this - who told me.
Thank you again for your comments

I would advise not contacting social services under any circumstances. It could seriously back-fire on you as it did me.
Your son is the one to deal with all these matters. Just enjoy the company of your GC, difficult though it is.

My further advice to you is that you let go of the hatred you feel against your ex-daughter in law,which will sour your relationship with your granddaughter, and stop trying to exert influence over your 'passive' son .

When my grandson suggested that we didn’t like his mother, I promptly replied that he was right and that it was impossible to like everyone! I am now conflicted about my reply. However, I do ask if his mother is well and I hope that she is happy. I try to give positive vibes to all our grandchildren whether parents are together or not.

Thank you Keepingquiet - great advice.
I know you are right, all posters have given me wise and excellent advice - which I needed.
Thank you

Thanks Eazybee, you have some valid points but I disagree
that my GD safety is nothing to do with me. Of course it is - doesn’t it take a village to raise a child? Don’t children need a number of trusted adults in their lives, not just a parent - who often is detrimental to their safety and wellbeing? I will always look out for my GD and point out to her father my concerns. And I would not hesitate to contact social services if there is any evidence she is at risk - if my son did not do so.
This mother left my GD (aged 3 yrs) in care of one BF who we later learned had a brain injury and anger issues. The ex DIL told my son this - who told me.
Thank you again for your comments

My son has recently been contacted by ex-wife complaining my granddaughter has told her that her granny does not like her mum.

Correction;My son has recently been contacted by his ex-wife complaining that their daughter has told her that her granny does not like her mum.

Then you start questioning her about mummy's friends:
This ex daughter in law brings frequent boyfriends into my granddaughters life and I have such a fear about her being around these men - who, quite frankly, are not the kind of people anybody would want around their grandchildren.

I wonder how you know this?
If you continue like this your ex-daughter-in-law will stop you seeing your grand daughter, who clearly is uncomfortable with your behaviour. It is for her father to decide about his daughter's safety, not you, and his ex-wife's life is no business of yours.

Yes it is a difficult situation. To be frank I think that you know you are being unreasonable. You don't have to say anything to your granddaughter about her mum. She is reading you like a book. e.g tone , facial expressions, lack of positive comments.
Her Daddy is the one to make sure she feels, and is safe within her mum's situation. That's where your efforts should be...your son

Yes, it's not nice being manipulated, but you love your grand-daughter and if push ever came to shove it would be her Mum who has the last word, not you.
How hurt the little girl would be, how she would miss you, if you could not see her again.
I think for her sake you have to bite the bullet here and acknowledge that whatever your own opinion of your ex-d.i.l. is, you need to put the child's feelings first, and make the effort for her sake.

I am in a similar situation although my GD is a little younger.

I only ever speak about her mum in positive terms and only then when prompted by her- I think it is important to put my own feelings on one side.

It is a constant worry I know, but when my GD is at my home we focus on providing a relaxed and safe space where she can play and express herself freely.

Your son's role is also pivotal in this regard too. Your GD is presumably in full-time school and any serious issues should be brought up with them, but only by your son.