Anger management!!! Help needed.

Did you actually damage your cupboards? I’m not particularly patient or tolerant, but if I lose it my OH suffers the consequences. However, it is usually well deserved, believe me. Verbal, never physical, and it is over very quickly. I always bite my tongue if it happens to be the children who annoy me. Is an anger management course necessary at this stage? I find going for a walk (even round the garden), stroking the dog or just taking myself off to a quiet place helps.

Have you always been like this OP or is it recent. The thing is, once you start viewing relatively trivial things as irritating or anger inducing, it can become habitual. You can work yourself into a place where it is your perpetual and natural reaction.

Step back, take some deep breaths and analyse the situation you find yourself in. Ask yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is it? How long will it last and what are the repercussions, if any? Bring it into sharp focus, perspective if you like. Then bit by bit turn the dial down. Each time you manage your anger a little better than the time before you will start to feel more in control. At the moment I suspect you do not.

ThanksFlappergirl. I think coming here was my 'stepping back' as I knew it wasn't healthy.
I had a chat with my son tonight, the past few days have been difficult for various reasons and he promised that he would try not to do the thing he did today which triggered me again.
He did explain his reasons for doing what he did and so we both came to a point where we accepted we were both having a tough time.
I think life is just difficult for a lot of people at the moment and we are all feeling the strain.
I'm just not as resilient as I used to be and I'm struggling after the surgery and with other things going on.
Now I'm not angry just tired but I'm grateful for your messages thankyou.

I often feel that anger that seems to come from nowhere is as a result of something that angered me, that was never resolved at the time.

It keeps coming back until it's dealt with.

Forget ' I won't bother the doctor' You obviously need some support, please make that appointment ( easier said than done these days I know that) Don't waste time , do it tomorrow.

Here you are!
An article has appeared just at the right time.
Scientists reveal the surest way to stop feeling angry in stressful situations

I've certainly found writing down whatever the issue is helps. I think about potential outcomes and write down positive and negative aspects. I also try to do this from the point of view of the person or organisation concerned. I often find these notes and try to remember what it was all about. It certainly helps me to come up with a way ahead.

Chestnut

Here you are!
An article has appeared just at the right time.
Scientists reveal the surest way to stop feeling angry in stressful situations

This is worth a try but seems to apply mostly to business meetings.
However, I am going to buy a loose leaf binder notebook, call it my angry book and hope it is always empty!
Not always easy to write things down when someone is speaking to you and making you angry but I'll give it a try and let you know how I get on!

IMO I would see your GP. Sudden rages can be symptomatic of other issues. This was me last year, I have a mild antidepressant now and it’s so much better! I was very laid back in my youth, but as life got tougher stress can cause lots of issues, so can depression and anxiety. I often felt like I want to the everyone to just f* off constantly and could go from “sunny” to “rage” very quickly.

If you don’t want to see your GP there are lots of helpful things online, including CBT and things like very deep breathing. Good luck

Perhaps you should see your GP and ask to have your thyroid checked, as an over-active thyroid could be the root of your problem.

If it is, it is treatable with medication.

Thanks Chestnut I popped back to mention that

keepingquiet

ThanksFlappergirl. I think coming here was my 'stepping back' as I knew it wasn't healthy.
I had a chat with my son tonight, the past few days have been difficult for various reasons and he promised that he would try not to do the thing he did today which triggered me again.
He did explain his reasons for doing what he did and so we both came to a point where we accepted we were both having a tough time.
I think life is just difficult for a lot of people at the moment and we are all feeling the strain.
I'm just not as resilient as I used to be and I'm struggling after the surgery and with other things going on.
Now I'm not angry just tired but I'm grateful for your messages thankyou.

It sounds to me that you have managed your anger really well. You used your response to tackle things with your son.
I think you just need a better way of dealing with the immediate urge. Rather than taking it out on your kitchen cupboards try the cushion method. Give the cushion a name and shout all the things you want to say to that person at it. You can give it a punch if you like. Then tackle the person when you feel calmer, just as you did your son. You are doing well believe in your self.

Thanks Glorianny

I used that scribbling on paper method twice this morning and it seemed to work in that my anger didn't go away but it did get better.
My son also sorted out the issue which had caused his bad mood too- so win win really without any recourse to GP or getting hormones checked.

Now feeling much more my normal self and I will know what to do next time it happens, which I know it will.
Just life I suppose.

I agree with Iam64’s first post mentioning tai chi, yoga, and meditation as possibilities. I am far from perfect myself but have found them to help me towards a calmer outlook.
My daughter does wild swimming, my son runs regularly, Everyone needs to find their own way towards peace of mind.

Are some people just born to be angry? DH can get angry about the smallest thing , not raging just his tone of voice, I really cannot understand why . I just about never get angry and am sure my life is much better for that . Think of your blood pressure .

Floradora9

Are some people just born to be angry? DH can get angry about the smallest thing , not raging just his tone of voice, I really cannot understand why . I just about never get angry and am sure my life is much better for that . Think of your blood pressure .

There's someone on GN who is always shouting at other posters.
Goodness knows what her BP is.

I wouldn't dare suggest tai chi, yoga, and meditation!

I understand how difficult it is to maintain composure in stressful situations, especially when everything is not going the way you would like. It is important to learn to control your reaction to annoying events. Try using breathing techniques or meditation to calm yourself during times of stress. It's also worth trying to change your internal dialogue and approach to problems, focusing on solutions rather than negative emotions. When interacting with insensitive people, try to remain calm and keep your distance without letting them make you angry.

Well you have a good username keepingquiet 😄

Haha- what an oxymoron but at least it wasn't Keepingcalm!

A book written by a psychologist who suggests using cognitive behavioral strategies was profoundly helpful to me many years ago . . . and of course I can't find it now. This book is on Amazon and looks like it might be helpful: "Overcoming Anger and Irritability: A Self-help Guide using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques (Overcoming Books): A self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques." (I don't know the author, and I'm not making money from the sale of his book.)

Some of what I learned from cognitive behavioural therapy just stopped me in my tracks. Even now, the phrase "Is getting angry going to get me what I want?" enables me to think it through . . . and I don't know about you, but I have found that getting angry does NOT get me what I want and is just counterproductive--when I used to lose my temper it never did make things better. Quite the reverse.

Perhaps this book or another like it will be helpful for you and enable you to work through the advice and exercises at home--that's what I did.

If you’re able to go somewhere and scream do it. It’s far better to let it out than hold it in. Failing that, just bash the hell out of a pillow or scream into that. Just don’t hold it inside.

I think you did well to hang onto all the pressures on you until you could let it all out. And that you need an outlet for your frustrations - preferably not wrecking your house!

Suggestions

Buy a free standing punch bag. Not only is it a safe way to let it all out, but it can be a good work out.
Go for a walk
Run a soothing bath and relax
Listen to a favourite song, sing along or dance.
Listen to a meditation tape
Etc.
I’m sure you can think of others.

Whatever you prefer but have a plan to deal with the aftermath of situations like that. And don’t think it’s just you. Many of us feel like that.

PS tablets from GP are not the answer, nor is alcohol.

Well said Ragu. There were things I had to do yesterday that were very uncomfortable, I didn't lose my patience as such but felt lots of stuff simmering.

It happens mostly when I'm with other people but don't want to become a recluse. I used to think I had excellent social skills but now think I have terrible ones.

It didn't help that when I gave my sister (who had done something very underhand recently) a hug she called me a 'daft bugger.'

It seems I can't win. I think one of the problems is I recently had surgery and can't drive for a few more weeks, so I am reliant on others to get me places and that's something I'm not good at.

Maybe I'm just a control freak?

If it's family members and their actions that make you angry, I find I have to tell myself these days they're old enough to sort their own problems out.
"Not my circus, not my monkeys" to coin a phrase I've learned on Gransnet!
Yes I'll listen and might offer some suggestions or help, but basically take a "you do you" attitude.
I can't worry about everybody all the time, I have enough going on in my own life and it sounds as if you're the same.

One time years ago we had a family issue which made my husband so angry he said he couldn't talk to the person and I'd have to deal with it, which I did initially.
Ironically it was a problem he was best able to help sort out, which he did eventually, but he needed to calm down first.

If you’re that angry…work out what the actual problem is, and deal with that.🙂