Sandwich generation feeling resentful

I understand exactly how you feel!

I was studying, working full time, bringing up a family and looking after a mother with Alzheimer's, who phoned me constantly, even at school. Nothing I ever did was good enough.
I became so angry, resentful and extremely guilty that I felt that way.

In the end I became very unwell, so you must look after yourself. Something has to give.
Eventually I had to give up on studying for my second degree, which made me even more resentful.

I can't even provide any advice, but couldn't pass by, with showing empathy.

No but you are failing to realise that you need to look after yourself as well. Look at what you are doing and decide what is absolutely essential and no one else can do. Try to find others who can help- your children for example should visit their grandmother and give you a break sometimes, Then think of what you have always wanted to do, this might be singing, or writing or painting or some sort of exercise. Find out about classes or groups in your area and tell everyone you are going to try some. You might find there is something you really love. Making time for yourself isn't awful it's essential to keep you going. Explain this to all your family and tell them how you feel. No wonder you feel awful you are probably worn out.

Just remember: don’t rescue to the point where you have to be rescued. Then everyone’s in trouble.

MerylStreep

Just remember: don’t rescue to the point where you have to be rescued. Then everyone’s in trouble.

Very wise words!

I have the same problems Yvette, without the uncle. Is your mum still independent? Does she help with your uncle. Of course you feel resentful, we wait a long time to get our own children into adulthood, and retire. there should be time for you now. You need to make plans just for you, certain days your definitely unavailable. Tell your mum to leave a message then you can get back to her.
My own mum is very needy and often says I need to visit everyday. I don’t because otherwise I’d be putting her before my DH my DGC and myself and that’s not right or fair. She of course thinks she should come first, but so does everyone else.
It’s a very tight rope, but if you don’t take charge you’ll fall off, then you won’t be any good to anyone. Learning how to cope with the guilt though, that’s another story.

MerylStreep

Just remember: don’t rescue to the point where you have to be rescued. Then everyone’s in trouble.

Put on your own oxygen mask first!

I do know how you feel.
I had older parents needing care, a young family and a job.

As a friend said, you feel like a piece of elastic.
Sit down, work out what you can cope with and suggest alternatives if possible.

Callistemon is right you need to sit down and work out what you can realistically cope with. You must factor in some time for yourself as well Yvettehartland
Your family is expecting too much from you and maybe there are ways they can help you instead of vice versa. Take care of yourself.

Like others I know exactly how you feel and you are definitely not an awful person. Just look at what you are doing and the level of responsibility you have! I was in a very similar situation with my elderly mother who after a stroke lost the ability to swallow and was PEG fed through the day. She also had a stoma and early dementia. We had carers 3 times a day, but they were barely there for 15mins, and district nurses for dressings etc. That left most of the day when she was on her own, not at all safe on her feet, especially when trailing the PEG pump behind her. Left to her own devices she would disconnect, or cut, the feeding tube, take off the stoma bag and attempt to leave the house. She was admitted to hospital 13 times in the 15 months after she was discharged following her stroke. I spent as much time with her as I could but I too had granddaughters so I did school runs and after school care. I lost count of the number of times I was called out in the night when Mum activated her alarm because she felt unwell or had fallen, the stoma bag had leaked all over the bed, or she just needed company. My daily routine was frantic: take girls to school on the other side of town, drive to Mum’s in the opposite direction, stay there until it was time to collect the girls, take them to my house, feed them and when their father picked them up, rush back to Mum’s to disconnect the feeding machine and wait until the carers came to put her to bed. Weekends I spent all day with her. I very nearly had a nervous breakdown and that is no exaggeration. The family finally agreed it would be best if we found a decent nursing home for her. We were lucky and found a lovely place where mum settled happily and was well cared for for almost 3 years until Covid got her in Feb 22. Had I had to continue caring for her I don’t think she would have lived as long as she did - the care in the nursing home was excellent, and she didn’t need the repeated hospital visits any longer - and I would have become ill. The advice others have given is absolutely right. Look after yourself first. You certainly need a way to take the pressure off. Elderly people can be selfish, stubborn and demanding without realising it and sometimes you simply have to put your foot down. You don’t say if your Mum has dementia or physical issues, if so regular carers might help and your social services dept would be the place to start the process. If your Mum refuses to do anything for social stimulation, that is her choice and you do not need to fill the gap. Sky, or similar, maybe Netflix certainly helped my mum, as did her iPad and all the games she played on it, even in her nineties. It also had the advantage of allowing FaceTime calls, a great way to chat without actually being there. I do hope you find a way to get some of your life back soon.

Having been there and got the proverbial ’T’shirt, I never felt resentful, I always felt exhausted.

GG, I wish I could have not felt resentful. I was so ashamed of how I felt.

I don't remember my mother ever telling me she loved me or appreciated what I did, nothing pleased her. Yet my brother, who did absolutely zilch was the golden boy,
It eventually took its toll on my mental health, My GP , who was also my mother's GP, advised me to take a step back, I lasted a couple of days. I just couldn't stay away.

OP, if you don't take care of yourself, you are no use to anyone.

My Mum once started crying and said she'd never expected me to have to bath her and care for her, it was her job to look after me and help with my children. 😥
I was in my 40s then.

Another one who is still there and has the t shirt. I have a mum and a mil both in their 90s and I do feel resentful, as well as exhausted. My mum is in a wheelchair now and it is so difficult getting her anywhere for her various appointments. My husband is in his 70s and I am a few years younger but it has nearly killed us this week getting the wheelchair in and out of the car and mum in it. We have carers for them both but we still seem to end up chasing up and down. I wish my mum could get to grips with netflix etc but she can't. She phones because she can't remember how to change the TV channels. Mil has dementia and constantly loses the remote control, her teeth, her glasses etc. My husband and I have siblings but we are the closest in distance to both our mums. It is not the way I wanted our retirement to be and I worry how long my husband and I have left in decent health. I am probably being mean here but I didn't always have the best relationship with my mum and none at all with my mil, who never helped us in any way and showed little interest in my children. I couldn't see either of them in need but it does lead to resentment on my part. I was in bed at 9 pm last night in tears because I was so tired and fed up. My husband is completely fed up too but we both feel we just have to get on with it.

I understand all of this. I felt guilty too. I used to visit my elderly mother every day, take her to all her appointments, do her washing, you all know how it is, my husband and I did everything and managed everything for her. My sister lived many miles away and wouldn’t have helped if she lived next door. Also we did a massive amount of childcare for my daughter’s children and some childcare for our son’s child. Now my mum has died, my daughter and children are in New Zealand, and my son’s child is ten and we only do childcare for him on odd days in school holidays.
Please Yvette try to look after yourself. It is so draining when you’re doing it all. You need time off and time to yourself. Perhaps your mother could have carers in to help with her care.

👋 Another one here!
Moved here to help my daughter but DM decided to move too from another part of the country.
Since Lock-down she has become reclusive, books & cancels holidays, turns help I'd organised away.... 🙄

We had a local support coordinator call to see what help we needed;
DM: "I don't need any help I've got RO60" Aargh 😱

A friend the same age as DM at a group I belong to gave me permission - I feel, to visit less, which I now do & enjoy evenings out with friends, a walk, a whole day 'tidying the house'

I'm lucky though, DD doesn't take me for granted & baby sitting is generally a pleasure. I do get asked if it's convenient - but there again, can be hard to say No.

I feel the same. I take care of my paternal Grandmother, ny mother and I have 2 teenagers.

I feel resentful because caretaking skipped a generation. And now I have 2 elderly people to care for. Neither of my siblings help.

One thing that we have learned from my experience is we will never rely on our children for our care as we age We will be ensuring we have funds available to pay for our care.

My children know that I happy happy to have Grandkids, or not. But not to expect me to provide full time care.

I have spent the last 50 years caring for others, I am going to spend some time taking care of myself now.

Marydoll, your mention of the endless phone calls really resonated with me. It was my poor brother who bore the brunt though - at one point my mother (with dementia) was phoning him literally 30 times an hour - because she simply couldn’t remember that she’d only just rung him.

The strain on him was colossal. When she finally moved to a care home (not before time) we were asked whether she’d like a phone in her room. Absolutely not!!!

For the first week or so she did ask staff several times a day to ‘ring my son’ but they’d limit it to once a day, and otherwise tell her he was out or not answering.
To our great relief she forgot all about it in no more than about 3 weeks.

Yvettehartland1 You are absolutely right in feeling resentful and you do need to take steps to improve your situation.
The problem is, you will suffer guilt as a result, but if you don't your health will suffer.

First, is there anyone who can share the burden with you,close family and relatives? (I bet not and if there are any they are probably 'unable to commit'.)

Next, you need to lessen your own commitments; three days occupied with childcare/school run and babysitting twelve miles away from your home is too much; you have to discuss with the parents about reducing this, and they may have to pay to provide some extra care for their own children.

You will have to harden your heart against your mother's dependency on you and insist on reducing the time you spend with her; isolation may make her agree to perhaps one day at the Day centre, or similar. I don't envy you: I had a father who flatly refused to alter his way of life or accept any form of help when he was in his late eighties until his health failed, mainly due to poor diet and he had to go into a Home. I was an only child living 170 miles away, divorced with children ,working full-time and there was no-one else available to help. The guilt still kicks in.

It seems that many women, and some men, are still as responsible for the care of elderly relatives as our parents' generation were in the forties and fifties, but with the addition of most women working and providing childcare for very young children, which was not nearly so essential in previous times.
I do hope you stand firm and reduce your commitments somewhat.

Reading these posts just highlights how desperately we need a proper, functioning, integrated care-system.

The oft repeated refrain that "family should look after their own" really grates with me. Because we do, we do - but we cannot always cope with the many demands made by various family members without some help. In the 'good old days' when families often lived and worked in the same location, it was feasible to do this but when industry came to an end and we had to 'get on our bikes' to look elsewhere for work, then the disintegration and fracturing of family life became inevitable.

No one person can do it all and no one should be made to feel guilty because they can't.

As MerylStreep so wisely said, Just remember: don’t rescue to the point where you have to be rescued. Then everyone’s in trouble.

We have a government that has kicked care / social care into the long grass - again. We, carers, should be out near Downing Street demonstrating against the apparent indifference shown towards our plight... but we're too bloody busy getting on with the job. Whilst yet more and more of the services we rely on are targeted in yet another damned austerity drive.

Well said Dickens 👏

When read threads like these I look back at the period when I - as single and childfree - could have got trapped into running around after needy relatives. Fortunately there were no smart phones then (although there were mobiles) so communication was mostly reliant on landlines. The best thing I ever did was to leave my home city after my grandmother died.

I am sorry I wrote my earlier response now. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself last night. I do agree totally with Dickens although I can't see it ever happening. @biglouis - It's not a matter of being trapped by needy relatives exactly. It's more that it's your mum and you don't want to see them suffer but it's hard finding the right balance. I like looking after my granddaughter. I just wish I had more time and energy to give her.

Similar story until mum passed away in her 90s. Dad's Parkinsons became too much and he is now in a wonderful care home. All this responsibility with grandchildren on a regular basis & supporting DH in business had me physically & mentally exhausted. I miss mum and all her foibles although I have to admit the relief of not having them both to look out for is huge. Take care of yourself OP and speak to authorities to at least try to get more support 👍

Another one "who's been there". I was in my 40,s then though so a lot fitter. Now it's grandchildren I help out with which I don't mind, like helping younger ones get on. Mother was the most difficult woman ever. It takes a toll, you have to look after yourself too.

We have never had a good care system for the elderly, because a) people didn't live as long as they do now and it wasn't so necessary, and b) it was the women who looked after the elderly relatives at home because they had no choice. When I grew up we all had a granny or grandpa in the back bedroom; now many women are commuting to elderly parents' homes, plus a great deal of child care, fitted in round work.