Being invited to an acquaintance’s house for a meal

I’d be kind and go, it must be awful to be lonely. Whether I had much in common with the lady or not I’d want to go to give her a bit of company but that’s me. I don’t suppose everyone thinks like I do.

If I came across as a little sharp in my previous post, I apologise. I agree with what Maw has said, but would it not be kinder to have refused the initial invitation if you were sure you had nothing in common, rather than getting yourself entangled with this lady’s hopes of promoting a valuable future friendship? If it were me, I would rather someone be honest from the outset - it would have been easier to get over.

I am not sure its kindness to go somewhere out of pity or obligation though.

As others have said give it a try it may lead to a new friendship or just fizzle out. As you only knew her vaguely some years ago it may be possible that you have more in common than you think.

Galaxy

I am not sure its kindness to go somewhere out of pity or obligation though.

There is a difference between pity and simply understanding a fellow human being's situation and reacting with kindness.

As Maw has said, the balance between coming across as needy and reaching out to others is a fine one, and until you are in that situation it is hard to understand how difficult.

I think it must have taken your former colleague a lot of courage to reach out and invite you for coffee and then subsequently for a meal. She is probably feeling lonely, and looking for opportunities to be less so.
Go along to the meal, but then, as OP’s suggest, if you find you haven’t enjoyed it very much, be non committal about a future meet up should she suggest one (there’s lots of suggestions posted so far), but you never know, you might find that you enjoy her company, and would like an occasional get together.

I don't like being put on the spot at all. You have been but don't be angry it can happen to anyone.
However I think if someone gives an invite they may be desperate for a bit of company and be very lonely.
Go by all means but make sure if you don't want an invite every week you tell this lady how busy you are. If she does push to meet again make casual arrangements to meet for coffee in town etc. That way you are not having to entertain in your house or go to her house and stay longer than you want.

Luckygirl3

Have a heart! Is it such a terrible chore? I am widowed and live alone ... believe me it is hard to know how best to reach out to people when faced with this new unchosen life. Singletons are at such a disadvantage ... left out of dinner party invitations so as not to disturb the even numbers, faced with huge holiday supplements, navigating their way through a coupled world.
Do not be "annoyed with her for asking" ... she has done nothing wrong, except pick the wrong person to ask. I think you are being harsh.
People on their own are always being advised to take the initiative and reach out to others. I feel for this poor woman.

You said what I was thinking Luckgirl3
Lovely invite to a home cooked meal
Go and enjoy you might be plesently surprised

I can see both sides of this. Recently widowed with no local friends I know how very difficult it is to reach out to anybody. At the same time I've let myself be 'adopted' by 2 do gooders who seem to feel it's their duty to invite me for coffee etc. Although initially grateful, neither of these women are people I would normally choose to spend time with but being at a very low point I let myself be sucked into events and now find it difficult to extricate myself.

BlueBelle

Is it that bad to be invited for a meal you haven’t cooked? and you can always have an excuse ready to not stay too long after, (but I don’t mean jump up and leave as soon as the last mouthful is down 😂)
Is she that bad a person or company?
Go along with good grace and if it’s as bad as you imagine make sure you ve got your excuses lined up if she says ‘let’s do it again’
You might be surprised you might enjoy yourself

Yes, this is exactly what I think. Giving up one evening isn't so bad is it, unless it clashes with something else that you've got planned?

M0nica
"A friend met her husband, when he, as what she thought was a dull work colleague, asked her out for a meal and she couldn't think of an excuse to refuse. She discovered how undull he was".
Are you sure she isn't somebody you'd like to know better Mrsemmapeel10?
It's possibly she's an introvert and presents herself rather awkwardly, she might surprise you.
I know that my mother, as she got older and friends grew thinner on the ground, developed good friendships with people whom she might not have considered getting to know better when she was younger with more friends.

The only way you could have handled this better, from your own point of view, would have been to have declined the invitation. However, doing so would probably have left you feeling uncomfortable.

Go and try to find out in the course of the time you spend with this woman whether you and she have any interests in common,

You say you have not seen her for years, and did not know her particularly well in the past, so you may be pleasantly surprised and find her to be a person you are happy to see more of.

If not, then obviously, you should stress how busy you are and that you don't have a lot of time for being social.

Actually, you might want to make that clear whether you find you enjoy her company, or not.

It will only cause difficulties if you give her the impression that you have plenty of time to see her, when you don't.

Mrsemmapeel10 - I suggest you work on your annoyance to reduce it and more on your appreciation of the idea that it would have been unkind to refuse her a coffee date (which you didn't do). If you do that you'll find that the stress associated with the situation will lessen, and you never know, you might enjoy it. However, you describe yourself as 'time poor' so when at this person's home you should let her know that in the kindest way possible - tell her that you wish you weren't so busy because you don't have time to go to the cinema, or join the nearby yoga class or rambling group - whatever you think she might have an interest in. She'll get two messages from that approach - one that there are several ways she can fill her time and make new friends, and the other that you're not available to fit that bill.

perhaps meet up this time, but say you can't stop too long.I started meeting up with a woman last year,but she became a bit of a nuisance,making long phone calls in an evening ,contacting me while I was out with family for the day,then phoning me late at night after I got home.The meetings fizzled out,probably my fault for not always being available.Just be careful ,some people can get too demanding .

If your really dreading it that much, pull out.
if your just not sure, and have another friend, family member etc ask them both to join you for lunch, club or something ?
Telling them the situation and your hardly knowing this person.
Bearing in mind though sometimes it’s best to avoid at the start, the longer it goes on the more difficult it could become.
Sounds awkward. Don’t be bullied

bullied - wow that is harsh!

We will all have times in our lives when we are "needy" - it is not a crime. This desperate rush not to appear needy is the source of much unhappiness.

You say that you knew each other vaguely many years ago; it might be that the acquaintance is having memory problems and interprets more into your association than actually existed.
Do accept the invitation for dinner, it would be cruel not to. None of us know when we are going to be entirely alone do we?

I was invited by someone to her house and we did a few things together after that. We got on well although she was quite dominant!I suggested a few things to return her kindness which she said she would get back to me about but never did..so I assumed she didn't want to continue the "friendship". I was a little put out but I too have a busy life and good friends.
This is what happens sometimes so have the meal and then decide about future contact. You'll have a chance to explain how busy you are and suggest she might look at things she could get involved with...perhaps invite her to one of your events to meet others?
We need to walk in other's shoes. You never know, it might be you one day!

I am happy to help anyone where I can, but I usually think about what I am offering and make it clear (I am an eldest and used to considering the consequences) So I offered to take an elderly friend to the town and offered her my spare key to my car. I said that if she would like to get large size items , that she would have difficulty carrying, and then put them in the boot from a shopping trolley. That we would meet up about 11.15am at the coffee shop. It worked very well and we did it for many many weeks. Another elderly person was with her one day and I offered to take them too. She was pleased by the offer and began to talk about us going to various shops. I said politely but firmly , no my offer was to take her and bring her back. She looked a bit put out, but as I said , this way we do our own thing and you can go where you like. It worked well and I felt perfectly ok about doing it. If I had tagged along going shopping I would never have offered her another lift. So I think whilst you may feel that having accepted the invitation , it would be unkind to cancel that, but you have time now to consider what you could say to her to block any further meetings. I think just a clear statement that this was a one off as you have a lot of commitments , and rarely have time to spare. Whatever you decide you can say to her. It is important that you do not give the wrong signals by saying things like "at the moment" or even "for the next few months" which can encourage her to hope you will meet up again later. Or you might say " You rarely go out for coffee so it has been nice for once to have a change" Dont say anything that gives false hope. But of course as others have said , you may actually be surprised and find you enjoy her company and meal.

How can you be annoyed by someone inviting you for a meal. I think you should feel grateful for being invited. After all you don’t know in a year or so you might feel lost or lonely and have fob her off and she might tell ppl your boring and don’t bother inviting her because she doesn’t turn up. Try putting yourself in her position. I had a lady by me every week she baked a fruit pie and brought it round had a cuppa then left. She was abt 30yrs older than me and I said to her one day don’t you know anyone your similar age and she said no one bothers with me. So I Invited her to Christmas dinner Sunday etc had nothing in common with at all. She was just lonely and needed to have someone to talk to. She died alone but I would do it again in a heartbeat because no one deserves to be lonely. That’s 20yrs since she died

I’ve had that happen to me. I agreed and had supper (spaghetti Bol) with ‘my new best friend’ and discovered that we still had things in common. I had a lovely evening which has been repeated once since but we seem to have drifted apart again and I admit to not having got in touch - apart from occasionally on Facebook. I suggest you go, you never know, you, like me, might have a most enjoyable time.

Mrsemmapeel10

Someone who I knew vaguely many years ago contacted me and asked to meet for coffee, which I did. Rather reluctantly as we have little in common and I’m time-poor. It felt unkind to decline as I think that she is lonely. Then during coffee she invited me to her house for a meal. I panicked and agreed but I wish I hadn’t. In fact I’m so annoyed with myself for accepting, and unreasonably, I’m annoyed with her for asking. How could I have handled this better? I feel like I’m a bad person.

Are you time poor by choice, Mrsemmapeel10, or at the beck and call of others?...

As others have said I think you need to attend with good grace as I think you know, deep down, that she will be upset if you change your mind otherwise you would not have posted the question. However do prepare in advance for the possibility of repeat invitations and/or the expectation of a reciprocal invitation to have lunch at yours, so that you manage her expectations with kindness. There is nothing wrong in being honest with people within reason, and saying her invitation was nice but unexpected but you would find it difficult to reciprocate as you have little free time to yourself to make regular commitments and you hope that this doesn't cause offence.

Just go - but you have in place a lot of advice from here (ignore the harsh comments) if it doesn’t go well. Good luck!

Op

How was the coffee meeting?
Did you enjoy yourself?

Sometimes not having enough in common discovers new hobbies and activities

I agree with other posters - say yes as a social obligation is unkind

I would trust your gut feeling and go with it.

Somebody coming out of the bushes like this and coffee and dinner? Spidey senses are tingling