Being invited to an acquaintance’s house for a meal

I have a pal from way back, who constantly rings me with tales of her romantic conquests - she is lovely and will give you the shirt off her back -but I have decided to keep in contact via text - so much easier😂

Just as a side line. I went yesterday for tea and cake with a lady I don't particularly like because I could not back out. Suffice to say the whole situation has triggered an IBS attack as I had a horrid time, she was sooo negative. Sometimes you just need to walk away.

Well EmmaPeel at least the meal wasn't of the fancy kind!
What a relief!

I'm glad it is behind you now - coffee is manageable now and then.

Lots of us do something once (or agree to when "caught out") and no-one should feel bad if they are pressured (because they are kind people) into things that are truly dull.

I think many of us have got stuck helping people who are actually perfectly capable of helping themselves.
I'm sure she will be fine. And you have offered her suggestions for alternative support so that's good.

I think some people on this thread have been unnecessarily sharp.
Maybe they have never been (or seen loved ones) "stuck" in a cycle of helping.

Glad it is over!

Just to give you an update on what happened. The meal was soup so it was not a long drawn-out affair. I used many of the helpful comments on here to prepare my replies for various scenarios and indeed she did make 3 specific requests of me that I was able to deflect. I also made helpful suggestions as to how she could achieve her requirements by other means which didn’t involve me. The evening ended by her saying that she would contact me for the occasional coffee. This I could cope with, although I’m not sure how much we will have to talk about as we have exhausted the conversation about people we used to work with, and have brought each other up to date on our lives. Thank you again for your helpful suggestions.

I find an invite for a meal somehow demands a return invite, that's the problem.

I do love going out for meals but seldom enjoy cooking for others as the family visit/stay a lot - so it's just more of the same for me. I tend to ask people out for a meal instead - or get a takeaway.

Mrsemmapeel10, I think you have a negative mindset on this, though. I welcome chats with people I have 'little in common' with. I'm curious, interested in why they hold their views - and it's fine to disagree.

You probably have to go now that it's arranged, or amend it to a cafe if you can.
Don't be harsh with yourself ( or your acquaintance), but be prepared to refuse requests/demands for future meals or things she might want you to go and help with.
Maybe you can slip into the conversation before she can ask for help/more get-togethers that you're finding it very hard to fit in everything you want to do and meet up with long-term friends/family and have realised you have to cut back on some things.
Compassionate, kind, but firm is possibly what's needed. Might be worth researching info around where she lives to have some suggestions for other activities she can get involved in if she's lonely.
I can get roped into things then find it's hard to pull back! Be realistic about what you could or want to offer in the way of time/friendship and think about your own wellbeing too.

I am also wondering about safety

Op does not know the person that well, it is safer to meet in public, rather than a private home.

Please just go and then don't forget to update us all.

You have accepted the invitation so it would be bad manners to withdraw.
But as you seem to know all about this woman, despite not having been in contact for a long time, forewarned is forearmed, and you will have your excuses ready for no further involvement.

Well, thank you for coming back, Mrsemmapeel10, and sorry for assuming that you were one of those posters who post once, receive lots of replies but never respond.

I’m a little confused as to how you know that she’s a bit of a cadger and user if you haven’t heard from her for so long and then only knew her vaguely- was she like this then, or intimated these things when you recently met for coffee? If she is like this, I can understand your reticence about going for the meal and continuing the friendship.

I suppose you have two options really:

1. cancel the arrangement to go for the meal, without going into detail why but perhaps have ready an excuse that something unexpected has come up relating to a work/social event that is going to be taking up your time for the foreseeable and be non committal about re-arranging if she becomes persistent. Just say, if she persists, that you can’t make any plans.

2. Go along to the meal, take flowers as suggested, but commit to nothing regarding going forward, just keep it very vague.

I think, though, that as you really feel very uncomfortable about going, then you should take option 1.

Good luck.

I would contact her now saying that her invitation has been playing on your mind as you know that you will not be able to fit it in as you have a very full life and should not have accepted. Hopefully, you can do this by text.

If you knew her vaguely many years ago how do you know she cadges off others ?

If she’s one who always wants something or cadges, as you say, then offer to pay at the end with the suggestion that she pays ‘next time’. That should do the trick!

Forsythia has said what I was thinking. Suggest you go out to a cafe for lunch instead.

If you go you will be prolonging the inevitable, best to say you can’t make it, and if asked again just say ‘thank you for asking but at this moment in time I am unable to commit to social plans. Best wishes

Why not suggest meeting at a restaurant or similar for lunch. That way you will be able to bring it to a close to suit you. I think I’d be slightly reluctant to go to a persons house that I don’t really know. I’d want to be sure I wasn’t making a mistake. Recently, I met a lady in a similar circumstances who I went for coffee and cake with. She now wants to meet up with husbands for foursome meals. I know it won’t work as, having met the husband, he is quite arrogant, very unlike my DH and they won’t hit it off. Its easy to get into situations then find it’s becomes one that gets very tricky.

You clearly don't like this person so I think you'd be doing her a favour by cancelling your acceptance..

Your latest post indicates this lady is a bit of a "user" and you are in danger of being reeled in. At least, for you, forewarned is forearmed!
If you decide to keep the dinner date I don't think you need to worry about reciprocating. Perhaps you could arrive with some flowers or chocolates by way of a thank you and draw a line under it.
It sounds like this relationship is already getting on your nerves.
You have very good reasons for not wanting to let it take up more of your time. Good luck.

You update sheds light on your op. It might have been better to say that in your OP, then you wouldn't have got messages you considered harsh or passive aggressive. You can either:
1. Go and hate every minute
2. Go but be prepared to fend off requests
3. Don't go

Op

I get it, and your update screams "run" loud and clear

You can change your mind in plans you already made

You can choose not to go to her house

MawtheMerrier and Ziplock - yes I am here, reading all the replies. The majority are harsh and passive-aggressive, but there are some people on here who ‘get’ the problem.

I already know this person so know that we have little in common and I don’t see that would changed in the interim.
I am time-poor because I work, belong to many clubs and go to various events.
I don’t have a partner myself but don’t consider myself to be lonely, probably because of doing all the above.

The invite is for an evening meal at her house, just me and her. Problems that I see arising from that is that I would feel obligated to reciprocate and I don’t want to dig myself into an even deeper hole. Thank you to the responders who have made helpful suggestions in that regard.

I didn’t mention in my original post - but some responders have alluded to this in their experiences- she is a person who always wants something, eg wanting lifts as she doesn’t drive, wanting her computer fixing, etc. and instead of going through the normal channels to obtain these things, she cadges off others, so I will probably have to be fending off these requests too.

Sadly - being charitable - when some OPs get replies they don’t like, they vote with their feet.
Or perhaps OP just needed to rant.
Or perhaps the third option.
Either way I don’t expect we’ll hear from her again!

It’s looking as if you could be right, Maw. (Ref your post 6 March), with your suspicion.

I have a wonderful get out. I just tell people Im a non driver with mobility issues. Works a treat.