Am I being ridiculous?

I can really empathise with this. I admit that I'm the one who 'moved away', from the US to England over 20 years ago. And my daughter in her late teens and twenties visited at least once a year, and I visited there usually twice a year. Since the grandchildren arrived I felt that I didn't want them to travel long distances with babies and toddlers, but then found out my granddaughters first birthday was spent at an in-laws in Florida where they had to fly to get to. Now the children are in school and they have never visited me once! They went on a Caribbean holiday this year, but can't be bothered to come to the UK. I am made to feel very welcome when I visit them, but I had 'dreams' of grandchildren visiting me at my house and it will probably never happen.

Why dont you visit them?

Back off. They’ll appreciate you much more. Hard I know.

In your place, I would scale down my presents and help somewhat. I suspect it may be embarrassing your children and they just do not know how to deal with it.

You say they are struggling with rising prices, but aren't you as well? Right now, you would need to be very well off not to be feeling a pinch.

Apart from that, we obviously went wrong somewhere bring up our children, as they do not see the need to say thank you, remember birthdays and other anniversaries. To late to mend that now, so we just have to put up with it.

Yes, back of a little.
You are killing them with kindness and they have become immune to it.

You sound like a people pleaser which is no bad thing, but being one myself, I have also experienced treatment of a similar kind by my own family.

I think they will regret it if they don’t make more of an effort to see you more often - let them do the running though / you have been so kind and loving and they should be more grateful with their time !!!!

I think you are a really caring mother and you sound like a lovely person. I don't know the answer unfortunately but it's not unusual these days so please don't think it's only you or anything you have done wrong.
I'm pleased you have a full life although that doesn't make up for family not keeping in touch regularly.
Keep in touch with them as and when you wish, and keep being the lovely person that you are.

Are you in the uk ? I think I would perhaps think of getting another solicitor. Highly unlikely your daughter would contest your will as it would cost a fortune in legal fees and no guarantee she would win. It may be advisable to also leave a letter with your will stating why you have not included your daughter as a beneficiary.
I'm sure it would be easy enough to find out grandchilds details for someone savvy after all the birth will have been registered.

I think you need to have a conversation with them to tell them how you feel. Your young family may be struggling and need the support but they shouldn't take you for granted. As you are getting older you need to know you're appreciated and not taken for granted. A hug and kind words is all you are looking for and that costs nothing but means the world.

They need prompting.

BoadiceaJones, your post resonated with me as my DSs are at the other end of the country and DD abroad too. My DS2's family have just visited for the weekend, 5 hour journey with baby. I don't know how they do it. When my kids were small that kind of trip would be for at least a week's holiday! DS says they want the little one to know her extended family here so at the moment we have more contact.
I drove to DS1's family last weekend, 4 hour drive. I see them 3 or 4 times a year. They were really pleased to see me but had a weekend packed with parties and activities already arranged for each family member. Fortunately I could support a bit and didn't feel in the way. DGC are secondary school age, getting more independent and I'm realising I'm seeing less of them as they get older. It makes me sad but realistically they're not going to need Nanny childminding for much longer.
It is difficult and I can sympathise with you. I've found it easier since DD set up a family Whatsapp group, it's been great for keeping us all in touch, perhaps suggest it if you don't already have one? Also, if you can, maybe arrange [an occasional] video/Zoom call?
It sounds like you are doing the right thing, you're a caring mum to your family and getting on with you own life, carry on as you are, you sound lovely and your family will value you.

Honestly I’d stop going to such lengths with such generous gifts and always be the one travelling to see your DC and DGK.
I wonder what will happen if you let them do their fare share of the running

I would, next time you are due to send a gift, to send an empty card. They will call to ask why and I would go along the lines of well I hardly see you, your thanks are lean so felt you didn't want or need it. My children are both self centered and I'm afraid it does hurt deeply - I personally do not think it is unreasonable xx Sadly there will come a day they realise how lucky and precious you are...but too late xx Thinking of you xx

Like Hetty 58, I too was disappointed with contact I had with my 2 sons..I live alone...the elder one is married and has two small children but lives in Japan. He was pretty good at keeping in contact, but my second son living ( alone) in London had to be reminded about any occasion.
However I was found unconscious at home and only found 3 days later. I am very lucky to be alive,
My London son came down to support me in hospital and after for c. 6 weeks.
Ever since BOTH sons have kept daily or near daily contact for the year that passed (during Covid) and have been ultra punctilious in keeping in touch since.
I think as I had for most of their lives brought them up alone they considered dared me happy on my own, and didn’t need much contact - I was there!
But the minute it was possible I wasn’t going to be, they both realised that I might not have that much time left ( I’m 76 and hope I have a lot more...but...)
They are both in ‘serious’ jobs and have little time, but now I can hardly move without being checked on! It’s rather nice! And occasionally a * nuisence! ?

S, that is so helpful, encouraging and enlightening. Deep inside I know they would be 100% supportive if I needed them but I don't want to go through anything as dramatic as you did. I'd just like to see more of them but as long as I'm self sufficient that doesn't seem to be going to happen. I know they're busy and I'm tnev

the one with the luxury of time but..... a girl can dream!

Crikey, suelld, 3 days!! As you say, you’re lucky to be alive.

I’m pleased to hear that you made a good recovery and that things are going well for you now.

I agree with everyone who suggests you take a step back Boadicea, not easy but the best thing you can do for you .

I was also wondering if you're not living in the UK ALAN as you don't need to know a GC's date of birth in order to have them as a beneficiary.

You can explain in your will why you've disinherited your D, that at that time the will was made, how long you've been estranged for. That would make it difficult for her to successfully contest it, but may depend on where you live.

You could leave make a very small bequest so she can't claim to have been completely forgotten. I do wonder if those of us who are estranged worry unnecessarily about our wills being contested.

I suppose there are some EAC who'll expect to inherit even though they'd decided they didn't want anything to do with their parents, something I find hard to get my head around.

Sorry to hear of your non- appreciative sons - so very very upsetting. I'm 84 now with grown up grandchildren and have come to the conclusion that the old adage is right: 'A Son is a son till he takes a wife, a Daughter's a daughter all your life.' Not always true I know but likely as a son follows his wife's family in the main. Certainly in my case as my son married a Vietnamese, devoted to her own family and we rank as rubbish! Perhaps an exaggeration but thank goodness for daughters I say.

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