Selfish MIL

I think you want the relationship with your mother in law because when it’s ok you like her but you are aware that she doesn’t really help out and she expects you to always fit in with her.

This is going to be a forever niggle I think. You won’t change her now but you can change how you respond to her. Just be firm if the date/time/activity doesn’t suit. Say, “No, I’m really sorry but that doesn’t work for me”. You can offer an alternative but don’t be pushed into accepting what is too difficult for you.

Meanwhile make a positive effort to make new friends - families with children. This is how you will feel happier. Invite other children and mums (and dads) over for a play afternoon and take it from there. If you aren’t working, chat to them if you can at the school gate, go for coffee.
Maybe arrange an outing somewhere with another family?

Good luck.

I find the whole situation most peculiar. I never expected 'help and support' from MILs when the kids were small. They were elderly by that stage.

I didn't want to be best friends, either. I got on well with them both, we visited, they visited, we shared meals - and went on days out - but only met every few months. They had their lives and I had mine.

For friendship, childcare and support I relied on friends my own age (often other mums I'd first met at playgroup) and/or my sister.

I think there's just a mismatch of expectations.

So FIL and your DH won't stand up to MIL,little wonder that she is such a selfish, self centred drama queen! You should stand your ground and start saying no once in a while.

Hetty, good luck finding any other mums at playgroup these days. They were full of grandparents with their grandchildren when my kids were younger! Any friends my age that I met at playgroup either went straight back to work full time when they finished maternity leave or since their kids started school, now work full time. I work part time, but I have not made friends through my job as I dont have much in common with most of them. My sister lives 3 hours away and all my school and uni friends are hours away too.

It's just one of those things. Last night I had had a drink and was more annoyed than normal about it all. I posted on here because I wanted to get the perspective of MILs, (as it were) rather than posting elsewhere and perhaps finding more of an echo chamber.

I think I will take a step back from her and she can be annoyed if she wants. I'm trying to make it easy for my husband, but he doesnt seem bothered so I dont know why I'm the one making all the effort.

Thank you for your advice.

My friends Mother in law was like this, it was just culturally expected of my friend to 'look after' her. She actually moved in with them too. In the end she said to her husband if he didn't start pulling his bloody weight with her, she was going to move out.....things improved but I think the expectations placed on my friend were huge

Marcheline, I wondered if your going out with her is an activity you regard as a quid pro quo for some service she has given you such as occasional child care.

I thought perhaps she believes you like her company for its own sake.

Yes, I do like her company for its own sake. I cannot really go into the current situation because it is quite specific and would identify us if anyone involved was reading on here. I appreciate this makes it nigh on impossible for you all to advise properly.

H1954

So FIL and your DH won't stand up to MIL,little wonder that she is such a selfish, self centred drama queen! You should stand your ground and start saying no once in a while.

Have I missed the post where we saw how the MIL was behaving like a selfish, self-centred drama queen?

I'm not seeing that at all from the OP's posts, other than her saying that she is not getting what she wants from the relationship.

I's none of my business, obviously, but I do wonder whether threads like this where people pile in with no evidence and agree that someone is being unreasonable just make things worse. If the OP already feels hard done by, telling her that she's right, and that her MIL is a selfish drama queen could further damage an already fractured relationship.

I'm genuinely sorry you have found it hard to find like-minded families locally.

Does your 8 year old do any activities where you might have the chance to build up relationships? My daughter made a good friend at a drama class once when she took (and waited for) her 7year old. The two mums and their boys are still friends several years later.
I'm sure you will find your tribe eventually. Thinking of you.

My other daughter (with a toddler) is fairly isolated with lots of mums back at work full time so I do know something of how you feel.

Thanks NotSpaghetti. Yes, all my children do plenty of extra curricular activities and they have lots of friends etc. I know the other kids' parents too. I am also well known on the playground, but i would say all these people are more acquaintances. Perhaps i could put in some of the effort that I currently put into my MIL into turning some of these acquaintances into friends! I also do extra curricular stuff myself and have hobbies too, but again id say people i know through these activities are just acquaintances.

I was wondering where that came from too Doodledog.

You do come across as angry and judgemental in your OP Marcheline and it's not just your m.i.l. who is not getting what she wants from your relationship, you're not getting what you want either.

Perhaps you should talk to her.

Yes I am angry at her really. I wouldnt dream of doing some of the stuff she has done/not done over the past few years. I really wouldnt. She is like it with everyone though, even her friends. So if theyre going somewhere and she doesnt want to go, she wont go. But then she will complain if they say they dont want to do something at a later date when she does. She doesnt seem to understand that SOMETIMES in relationships, you have to put yourself out. And if you dont, then there will come a time when you reap what you sow, because people start doing it back to you.

Smileless2012

I was wondering where that came from too Doodledog.

You do come across as angry and judgemental in your OP Marcheline and it's not just your m.i.l. who is not getting what she wants from your relationship, you're not getting what you want either.

Perhaps you should talk to her.

She expects me to run around after her and gets moody and sullen if I am not available to go out with her etc. Then I have to make it up to her, even if I have a legitimate reason and am busy. However, she will not put herself out one iota for us, unless it suits her. In the past, she has refused to assist with one hour of childcare (for a well behaved 8 year old) after school on a Thursday and Friday, in case she ever wanted to go on holiday.

Moody and sullen and not putting herself out to help.........drama queen in my opinion!

. However, i do not think she is entitled to expect me to dance to her tune, if she is unprepared to help us out in turn
So why on earth do it and then feel annoyed about it

My husband has said that i should ignore their phone calls because they are only going to want something
But you won’t do that it s like picking a sore spot you just can’t leave it
Why shouldn’t she emigrate or come back it’s her life

I don’t understand why you are pursuing this close relationship it’s like you feel the need to keep pushing and pushing to make her into what your family was like well she’s not and never will be
Take a step back, see her now and then, but don’t do so much for her, then resent having done it
You say you haven’t got many friends well it would be more beneficial to start making new ones instead of trying to change the woman into the mould you except her to fit into

BlueBelle, I realise it seems like madness, but I would really struggle to sack her off. I know it would make things awkward for my husband if i took a step back. He doesnt need me and his parents at loggerheads. As it is, i have appeased her for many years and i think my husband has forgotten how difficult she can be. Well, unfortunately he is shortly going to find out what happens when i dont appease her. But i am uncomfortable about it because this tit for tat is out of character for me and seems petty and immature!

But i think for my own sanity i need to do it. It is unfortunate though, because the inlaws are now experiencing health problems.

It doesn't need to be tit for tat though, or result in your being at loggerheads.

Just both do what you want to do, and say no if the other suggests something you don't fancy.

No need to fall out about it. As adult to adult you should both be able to agree to what you want to, and say no to what you don't fancy.

Doodledog, it will most definitely result in being at loggerheads because that is the sort of person she is. And then she will go quiet and sullen and sulk because i am not doing what she wants, when she wants it! Never mind that for 15 years shes done what she wants without a second thought for us!

I agree i have made a rod for my back though.

Yes yes yes! Please cultivate the parents you see at activities.
Make it a bit of a mission!
Surely one or two may become friends and that would be great for you and your family.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!

Doing it tit for tat (punishing her) is the wrong reason. If you are going to make changes, it's because the current arrangements aren't working anymore and you are setting some boundaries. That's okay.

There is no need to be at loggerheads. Direct any issues to your DH. Why try to make his life easier with her and carry it all yourself? It's his mother, make him deal with her. Don't be drawn in emotionally.

Will you be blamed by MIL? Quite possibly. Be okay with that.

Yes, there is give and take in relationships but it's understandable when someone pulls back when there is too much take on one side.

Marcheline, my own mother had a similar personality - self-centred, demanded all the help and attention etc. - and, having grown up with it - I never, ever left my children alone with her.

I wouldn't want to leave my minor children with someone like that either.

Marchline I really think you need to start living your life for you, cut contact down to just normal visiting and catch up and move in from any guilt or obligation.

It's not your fault her selfishness drives others away and you aren't responsible for filling the social holes in her life that she has created herself.

Marcheline
A good relationship is only one sided if that relationship is with yourself!!
Do not be bullied into, or made to feel bad, if you have to say no to your MiL.
She does have a husband and sons, I'm sure she must have a friend or 2, so let them go running while you spend time with your friends or doing whatever it is that you need to do!
Just stop pandering to this woman, bring her into the real world!!!