So a little backstory: I’m from the United States and I’m a registered nurse that has worked both in Labor & Delivery and Pediatrics. I have a middle daughter in law I am estranged from. But my oldest and youngest I have a good relationship with. I also just want to say thank you for your insight in advance.
So my youngest daughter in law brought her first baby girl into the world about 3 weeks ago. Nobody was allowed to visit for the first 2 weeks because of covid and if you are not a grandparent you cannot visit for the first 6 weeks. Her mother and I are over for a visit and we get onto the topic of what her childcare plans are when she decides to return back to work.
She and my son look at me and her mother and say they are still weighing their options but are not sure. They mention that middle daughter in law had given them a call and was suggesting to not allow family to be involved with childcare. There has been a recent rise in grandparents rights cases and allowing family or grandparents to stay with you and help or babysit could mean that they could sue for visitation or even partial custody. Her mother and I are shocked. Now son reassures us that they don’t think we would ever do that and hope that we wouldn’t. They start discussing daycare or even a nanny. We all start discussing pros and cons of each option.
We get to the grandparents option and she says that she truly never thought of grandparents or family as an option. That she chose to bring a child into this world and that passing them off for family to essentially raise them seemed wrong to her. She wasn’t planning on anyone to change feed or bathe the baby either unless they were staying overnight. She thinks that grandparents are supposed to role models and stand with the parents and spoil them every once in a while. She begins mentioning some friends who allowed their grandparents to babysit and they began doing things like disregarding the parents rules. Giving them haircuts without permission and constantly overstepping. Out of curiosity Her mother ask her about some of these cases.
My son chimes in and states one where the mother was sleeping and dad was at work. Baby in crib and mother in law snuck into their house and took the baby from the room. Mother woke up and couldn’t find the kid and mother in law sends a picture of the baby at her house. She still won visitation. Others where the grandparents won more visitation than what a divorced dad would get and access to medical and school records. Others where they were abusive and still had to allow them overnights even though they’ve never stayed with the grandparents ever.
We change the subject to overnights and unsupervised time. She and my son have decided until the baby is 1 to 1/2 they won’t be allowing overnights.
Other than that the visit went very well and I got to see my granddaughter. Is there any advice you could give me. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that it’s absurd to not want grandparents to help take care of a child if they are offering?.
It all seems so premature to me. As if you’re trying to get a timetable going for the next few years. Just relax, and let your son and DIL relax with their new baby. You must remember how it was for you....raging hormones, sore everywhere, no sleep etc! You’ve done it once, now just leave them alone. They’ll come to you soon enough IF they need to. Fill your diary with other things.
@toadinthehole Premature, exactly.
Relax, enjoy the new addition. No one's being absurd to refuse help. All is well, don't create an issue where there isn't one. Be the easygoing gran.
Well I must have been exceptional lucky. Never been overly maternal and when my first GC born delighted to see him but not overwhelmed. Imagine the lovely surprise when my D suggested he overnight with H & I in his first week. After that he came to me once a week and where H and I went so did he. On visits to all our favourite places, including the seaside, well armed with milk and trappings for a tiny baby. I loved having him then and still do at 19.
Sparkling,
A chill attitude works wonders - as you have experienced.
*Deborahrose for whatever reason it sounds like son and DIL needed to set boundaries with grandparents for their own peace of mind. Wherever they have heard horror stories doesn't matter. They are anxious new parents and you probably don't need to take it personally.
Just let them have their boundaries, be mindful of them and I am sure as others have said, trust will build over time.*
Makes sense Deborahrose!
Is it really the case that in the US grandparents have legal rights and can litigate?
In England (Scottish law is slightly different and I’m uncertain about Wales and NI) children have rights, parents have duties and responsibilities. It’s extremely rare for grandparents to attempt to gain contact with grandchildren, if that’s against the wishes of the parents.
Grandparents have no right to contact. Children have the right to maintain existing loving relationships and mediation can sometimes help.
Iam64
It's not the case that grandparents have "rights" per se, and rather that in some states, the children may have the right to continue an existing relationship IF it's in the child's best interest. States differ quite a bit in terms of what they'll permit. However, some grandparents believe that this means they are ENTITLED to a relationship with their GC.
Ok agnurse, thanks for clarifying. It sounds as though the legislation is similar to here. It’s about the children having a right to continue an existing, loving and supportive relationship.
I believe in New York, grandparents do have rights.
At the very least, the laws are much more permissive in allowing them to sue.
Other states say that you cannot sue an “in tact” family.
It’s understandably a very contentious issue.
What is it with grandparents who want their grandchildren to stay overnight and so they can play mummy again! Mine love coming here but it's such hard work. I almost always agree to have them but have never asked for it. Again, I never ask to look after them but don't refuse when asked unless I have something else planned.
It does seems like both of them have been listening to the other DIL so there must have been more disagreements there than admitted to. However, I admit asking you to change the date of Christmas is ridiculous but, if your son is happy to always go to her parents, then that's the way it will be. Also, visiting at the same time as the other gran is asking for trouble too, too much scope for competition. It does seem like DILs always gets the blame when your son should have been brought up to stand up for his own opinions too, if they differ from his wife's.
Summerlove, I suspect the USA has a more litigious approach to most things. By the time our family courts are involved every attempt has been made to reach consensus (in private law). There are some difficult peopke though
Iam, I would agree the US is quite litigious. However, I think sueing for right to children who are not yours is pretty beyond the pale given there is no abuse by the parents
Plus in the US, mediation is highly encouraged first.
Only the most conflicting and hostile cases go to court
What is it with grandparents who want their grandchildren to stay overnight and so they can play mummy again!
Exactly. My parents didn't want to see my kids at all if I was there (guess I don't matter at all). They demanded regular overnight visits (which I laughed at). They demand to be allowed to take the kids to the park without me, I responded with a list of about 20 reasons why they will never see the kids unsupervised. I was then told that I was using the grandkids as a weapon.
Completely agree quizqueen. I absolutely adore my grandchildren, but they are just that. Had my turn at being a parent....now a peaceful life please!
It isn't about wanting to be a parent again. Being a grandparent is a new and different delight. I had blissful relationships with my grandparents. They have been dead for 25 & 40 years. I still remember and am warmed by their love. I am trying to recreate that with my grandson.
Yes, overnight stays happen and sometimes at my request. As he gets older, I hope it will be at first a week at a time and then maybe longer stays. I'm lucky that my daughter and I feel the same way about it. She loves the break and I love having him.
It's nothing like parenting.
Fine for those of you that don't want a more hands on approach, but please stop denigrating those of us that revel in it.
I didn’t mean to put your choice down Gagajo. I was simply agreeing with someone who feels as I do. I had four children, and now have nearly seven grandchildren. Perhaps it’s more to do with numbers, and sharing your time out.
To be fair, Toad, it was mainly quizqueen's comment 'What is it with grandparents who want their grandchildren to stay overnight and so they can play mummy again!'
Thank you for the generous apology though. Much appreciated.
Personally I get great insight by heading over to Mumsnet in situations like this and I value reading the balancing comments there - eg posts fromnew mums dealing with Mum/MIL after birth of new baby, and the issues they are concerned with.
Genuinely find it helpful and thought provoking to read things from both sides.
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