Caught in adult kids conflict

You don't have to tell any of them anything. It is up to your children to tell each other. You should not interfere in any way and whatever you do don't even think of interfering or "helping" it never comes out well. Adult children cant imagine how it would feel if their own children fell out permanently so you will always be in the wrong. Sadly you just have to let it go. They will either sort it out, or not. The grandchildren will be fine, not deprived

I agree with confusedbeetle but can see that it is very difficult for you if you find your DD on the doorstep and GC with you. You are just going to have to sit it out and hope they all come to their senses. I am assuming this was a serious falling out and not something really petty.

I agree with confusedbeetle but can see that it is very difficult for you if you find your DD on the doorstep and GC with you.

Is it though?
What do you do if a friend is sat at your kitchen table in full flow snotty tears over her recent divorce and your DD texts re popping round or arrives at the door?

You simply say "not a good time right now but Ill call you after okay?"

If seeing the GCs matters more to you than facilitating what your DD wants, its not actually hard to keep that one day free for just the grandkids.

You can still see the DD any other day/time... you aren't being asked to chose you're being asked not to interfere.

If you are REALLY claiming that you cant possibly dedicate a bit of time to JUST your GCs, then they cant mean that much to you

Ok but its not a divorcing friend its ournana s family.

sigh the point is the OP is claiming that it isnt easily possible for her to have her GCs round without OOOOPSEEE them seeing the DD, which I call BS on.

"Are you free for a cup of tea mum?"
"I will be after 5.30, any good?"

Not hard
Unless you're actually trying to set up the GCs seeing the DD and just acting innocent about it...

If you see the GCs on Monday and see DD on Tuesday you are staying neutral.

If you cant keep monday free for the GCs and have DD round on Monday too when you have the whole rest of the week to see her, you are chosing DD over grandkids.

It doesnt matter who is right or wrong, the OP here is chosing her side rather than staying neutral and making time to see both sides separately.

"I'm expected to tell my daughter not to call when they're there." Does "call" mean "visit," OurNana, or " ring up and talk on the phone?" Many posters here seem to be taking it to mean "visit.' However, you say, "I don't think I should have to tell my daughter she can't talk to her niece and nephew." So I think you're speaking of phone calls.

I don't think YOU should be the one to tell them that either. I agree with those who say DS and DIL have to get up the courage to do that. However, I don't think they have the right to control who calls your home or whether or not your DD can call her DM (dear mum).

I would let DS and DIL know they should speak to DD and let her know she can't talk to their kids, and that if she calls you, their rule for the kids will be enforced. You will need to enforce it though ("I'm sorry, DD, I have to respect the parents' wishes.)

Another option would be to avoid having your GC in your home while this is going on. But then, you may get to see them less often.

So sorry you are facing this!

Tell all involved that your home is open to all of your loved ones, at any time.
Then they can negotiate visits according to their own agendas.