AIBU to expect DH to spend less time with his mum

Seems to me that your husband has changed the nature of your marriage and is all set to continue in this way because you are accommodating him. I can well understand that he wants to be close to his mother but it's not usual for a man to completely elevate his mum before his wife, and quite frankly this is what he is doing. He will carry on this way as long as you go along with it. You need to discuss this frankly, is your marriage still a marriage? Does he really spend two weeks of each month sitting at his mum's bedside or does he socialise with old friends? Tell him that you want to rent out the house in France to enable you both to re-settle in the UK for as long as it takes. The rental income in France can fund a more modest home in the UK. You may not actually want to do that or be prepared, but you will get to the bottom of the situation. If he refuses you will know that he wants to be away from you. That's the point at which you have to make a decision.

My advice is: plan your social life in France for when he is away. Take charge of the situation. Say to him, "When are you going to be away, next, darling? I'd like to have the girls round for a coffee morning." or something similar. I am from abroad myself, and know how easy it is to slip back to your comfort zone when visiting your old stomping ground. Sit down with him and put the 'away' dates into the diary, then plan your life around it. You sound like a perfectly reasonable and kind person, and you'll be ok.

No easy solution. Somehow u need to get him to open up, almost impossible at times. He needs to explain exactly why he feels the need but in a way that he doesn't get defensive and angry. Or could u write down exactly what. Need to know from him and give it to him. This way there would be a way forward without an argument. On the lines of.... I totally understand u need to support ur parent and I'm happy to come for a few days every month to support u, but I feel I'm living too much on my own. Ask him if he really wants to live permanently nearer his family and explain your views on where u want to live. Get it all out in the open before u can move onward. Good idea to find out how much of each day he spends with his parent , how his sister feelsetc. Good luck and let us know how u get on. U could send letter to him in U.K. Or keep till he comes back.

There are some very interesting suggestions. Thank you.
Princesspamma, thank you for your very sensitive and insightful message. I recognise a lot of what you say and know it's very true. It was reassuring to read your account and get a better balance back into my head. Coconut, thank you. I think you made some very good points and I have also been thinking of taking some time away. I like your 'not tit for tat' comment.....
Angela, you are right that he has less interests and involvement than me and there possibly is some comfort in the familiarity of being back 'home' sometimes.

Are you sure that is his only reason for being there so often ? I'm not suggesting another woman but more has the move to France been the success he had hoped it would be? Does he engage with life over there when he is with you. Does he have interests, diy,gardening,travelling about visiting places, meals out, coffees all the usual expected day trips etc. Maybe he is ' escaping ' back to his old life without wanting to upset you about wanting to move back.

I am guess there is some one else in UK he can't just live without.
Ring your sister on law she must be fed up with him staying all the time.

Perhaps he likes the UK better than France!

Difficult dilemma for you, and if his Mum dies, will he then resent you for making a fuss ? Do go back with him sometime to try an assess the situation. When he is away, what would he say if you told him to stay longer if he wants to, as you are going away with friends, maybe judge reactions ?? Don't say it in a tit for tat way, say it as if you are helping him and don't want him to feel guilty that you are left alone. You may get to the bottom of things that way, because twice a month is a lot for you to have to deal with. Good luck ?

MIL washes and irons it, not PIL!!!!

I can see that from your point of view it is not the way you want to be living, and of course no, it is not ideal, particularly as you are the one who is living away, without family close to take up the slack and support you. However I think it is seriously jumping to conclusions to say that he doesn't want to be home. Perhaps that is the case, but perhaps he simply feels like he just to be there, close, just in case his mother needs him. In his situation I would be doing exactly the same, no matter how much I wanted to be home with my partner - i would view it as the last thing really that I really do for my Mother in exchange for all her years of love and care for me. Our family has a similar situation happening. My pa-in-law spends at least a week of every month overall, and often up to half the month, up helping his own father who lives up in the Midlands while we live down south. The old man is in his mid 90's and still manages, with this support and help, to live alone in his own home. Mum-in-law and 'gramp' do not get on and never have done, but each time PIL comes home he brings the dirty laundry and washes and irons it ready to take up for the next trip. Even though there is no love lost between them, and even though she does understandably wish that her husband was around more so that they can enjoy their retirement together (she is in her 60's, he in his 70's), she can and does understand that if he went up less often he would just be worrying about the old man and how he was coping and feeling, what might have happened, etc. You husband may feel the same - that all he can do is worry if he isn't there, and perhaps he feels that the time you do have together is better this way, not spoiled by him always worrying and stressing about his mum?

It may be giving him an excuse to avoid confronting other issues. Does he prefer here to France but knows you are happy there and doesn't want to tell you? It could be a number of things and clearly they won't be addressed unless you initiate the conversation - difficult I know but you can't continue living with such uncertainty. My mum has dementia and had to go into a care home this year and with the best will in the world, you can only visit for so long. Some homes actually have visiting hours as well so you do need to be asking these questions. Your suggestion of a week a month is very reasonable btw.

Thank you for all your interesting comments. They are all valued and I shall give them all some more thought. I think I have been supportive and sensitive but now it seems taken for granted that things will carry on.
Nanaandgrampy, I think you comment is the most poignant and is the feeling that nags away when I'm on my own although DH denies it.

He doesn't want to be home does he? Because if he did it would be happening.

I don't know what the solution is but you need a frank discussion with him because he is taking his happiness at the expense of yours OP.

I would ask his sister (casually if possible) how much visiting his mother he does whilst staying with her.
As in daily
Twice a day or
Just some days here and there
I would also be interested to know how long he the visits last
Hours
An hour or less
I think the answers to these questions are IMHO relevant to your situation and relationship

A friend of mine had a problem with her husband, who went round to visit his widowed mother (she lived within walking distance) EVERY evening Monday to Friday, for most of the evening, EVERY week and this went on for years until this mother died. Different scenarios but both say a lot about the marriage IMO.

Well I think that's excessive too, 2 to 3 weeks every month is really him living here and popping over to see you Perhaps he really wants to move back, perhaps you need a good old talk with him
I can't imagine many children living overseas flying back every other week especially as he has a sister living nearby to alert him if his mum needed him, she is not alone, her daughter lives near her care home
His love for his mother is definitely overriding his feelings for you and your life

I completely agree Devongirl. I am very happy for him to go over every month for a week and, if necessary stay longer sometimes. He says he will but every time something happens or he's worried about his sister (who has a husband and 3 adult children nearby) and he stays or goes back after a week. Last year for various reasons he wasn't at home for more than 10 days at any one time.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think he is.
At the most I would reasonably happy with once a month, but only for a short week.
You are entitled to a good life with your husband, this isn't fair.

I can understand why he feel s that he wants to spend so much time with his mum as you say how much longer has he got, however I would feel the same as you do.
Is it possible for you to got with him some os the time, maybe a cheap hotel say everyother month or stay at sisters could be a giggle sharing a single bed/airbed.

Could you go with?

TBH since she is 95 I don't think this is entirely unreasonable, maybe he could stay for a slightly shorter time? Or at least agree to not more than a week, then he would be dividing his time equally between you.