bargaining with kids

I think it's reasonable to ask an older grandchild to choose what they want for lunch out of options you have available. I also think that it is fine to let them choose between activities which are cost free or very cheap. I prefer to spend lots of time with my grandchildren rather than lots of cash. I often say no when we are out, though I will splurge on an ice cream or a magazine quite often. I don't seem to need to do more than say no firmly. They're used to me now

Everybody has to learn to negotiate so what is wrong with starting young? My children grew up knowing that if I said, "No and there's no point in keeping on about it," I meant there was no negotiation at all. If I was happy to do a deal, they would barter until I said, "And that's my final offer!"

I don't think I ever managed to say no. My kids were too clever from a very early age for me. When they wanted something, I was immediately in their shoes and wanted it too. Not a good start in life, probably, but they're managing.

No is no (hopefully always reasonable) and that's that. Can't be too bad as all DGC kelp asking to come again!!

in the midst of tantrum season

I look after 2yr old and 3yr old
So its 'No' followed from me
Followed quite often by
'but why?' From DGS,
A short explanation from moi.

If there looks like a melt down
Then Distraction is needed
If out something from my pocket
Eg a balloon.
Or the promise of game they like to play when we get home

At home then its usually 'would you like to help gran load washing machine?'. ( favourite job)
Or even a banana or some raisins
I'm sure someone will say naughty gran

Agree with Riverwalk
I'm not a dictator
I'm their Grandmother

I'm not a NO person but I am quite strict with things I think are important ,like good manners and behaving well in public, as for food I always give them a choice as my mother did and her mother before her.My mum used to say why would she expect a child to eat things they didn't like when there was no way she would do it and I'm the same.I never eat fowl ...never have and it was always factored into meal choices so I didn't have to.So I cant expect them to eat things that as we say here make them boak

If I am asked if a GC can have something or do something, and I say 'No' I will have my reasons and it is strictly non-negotiable. If the request is reasonable, then I will ask why I should grant it, and let them persuade me, but once deciding 'no', that is it. They know where they are, there is none of the whining and pleading, because they know it won't change the outcome. I believe children are actually a lot happier knowing what the boundaries are, they push, wheedle and whine because they don't know, and will push to see how far they can stretch them, it doesn't make them any happier. In the same way if I have to say 'do that again and I will take it away' there is no second chance, I don't give in to the pleading 'but I won't this time....' I was brought up never to break a threat or a promise, and I will do my utmost not to break either.

I agree with bibbity. Sensible choices when appropriate give children the chance to practice decision making and knowing that decisions have consequences.

I am a nursery Nurse and was always taught to give children a choice over things that don't really matter. ie Do you want to wear the green shirt or the red one ? Or shall we go to the park before or after we go shopping ?
In that way they feel they have some control over what is going on in their lives.
Also not to make a question over things that you need to do no matter what. So it would be Right we re off to the Drs now, rather than Shall we go to the Drs now?
Another good tip, is pick your fights. Somethings just really arnt worth arguing about.
Having said all that I don't see anything wrong with a little bribe occasionally. Sit nicely on the bus and you can have a biscuit from the bakers type thing. X

Sometimes when I say no I haven't thought it through properly, so my lot all know if they can come up with a good reason they may persuade me to change my mind. A good reason not a winge or tantrum. Plus they know adults can be negotiated with if they use some common sense

I find it hard to say no to my grand children but they do know when they have gone too far, i only have to give them the look and unacceptable behaviour stops.

I do give choices where food is concerned as like many on here i wouldnt eat something i didnt like. In fact had this senario on Weds with one grand daughter, she had never tried boiled egg and soldiers, and agreed to try but she couldn't stomach the yolk of the egg only the white and didnt want the bread with butter on it, so it went in the bin and she had cheese on toast instead and ate every piece.

My DM didn't actually have to say no, just a look was enough. My aunt often used to threaten her children with aunty M and her withering look.

I think over disciplined/controlling parenting is as unhelpful as poor control! As others have said kids do need to learn to make choices, to negotiate etc. They also need secure boundaries.

My DGCs are all pickles in their own different ways with likes/dislikes, how they try to manoeuvre their own way etc. But they are (usually) aware when the boundary has been reached!

I know one DGD does not like mashed potato. She is 8 she knows what she likes and does not so I will offer a choice to all 4 DGC e.g.: sausage and mash or hot dog! Not a great problem and 4 happy kids!

I usually give DGS a choice of two, if it's a meal or an outing, and normally the choices are both things he enjoys, so he really has to make a decision. If something goes wrong I point out that it was his choice, but I'm always ready to offer an alternative.

What I can't (and won't) tolerate is whining and demanding. He's recently started the I want, I want mantra so I call him a whingeing willy. He thinks this hilarious, which (usually) diffuses the situation and we are able to negotiate a settlement! I do not agree with 'do what you're told because I said so' and much prefer 'let's do this and then we can do that'.

Each child is different and each scenario will also be different. I want him to be comfortable in challenging things he disagrees with as long as he can explain why he challenges.

Exactly Swanny

DGD age three tells her Mummy that Nana never tells her off. Totally inaccurate, but it has led to a few sideways looks from DD!

PS. I fervently agree with swanny.