Not sure what to say re loan repayment....

My ex-husband didn't like the man my daughter married, so when he was violent and my daughter left him, he asked her for £1,000 I think, towards her share of the mortgage. My ex husband would not lend it to her.
Her grandad had given her some money which went towards a car.
The car had to go back. She moved in with friends for a short while, then lived by herself. Then had to go to hospital.
She asked if she could move back in with us - my ex said 'Yes, if you obey my rules'.
So she was breaking the speed limit to get back from her friends' by 11pm.....

Maggie, what a rat your ex was. You poor thing.
I'm sorry to be so thick, but what happened?

There are some assumptions being made, firstly about how wealthy or "comfortable" the OP is. She has said she is not, and she should know. This £40,000 might be what she has to live on for the next 20 years. Not everyone has an adequate pension. Also, that she is expecting a huge fanfare, bells and whistles, a big, fancy thank you. It seems to me that she is hurt because the words thank and you haven't been spoken. I would be too. It's thoughtless, especially if the OP has made sacrifices to enable this loan. Some people seem to think she should be the one saying thank you just for having her own money paid back

As for not lending money you can't afford to lose. Easy to say, and a good rule in general. Not easy when you have children who you love and are struggling. I think most of us would move heaven and earth to help.

I divorced while my children were pre-school,bought a run down house and set myself up as self-employed so that I could work from home.I have always helped them as best I can and always will.I want them to be able to enjoy their lives and children easier than I did.My thanks is the pleasure I feel when I can say " Of course I can" and relieve them of their problem.
Thanks can be silent.

I think a nice bunch of flowers and a " Thank you mum we could never have managed without you" wouldn't go amiss here. Just a word even or a kiss on the cheek,we all like to know we're appreciated.

I think you are really great parents to do this for your daughter. But, though you deserve to be given lots of gratitude, I'm sure that's not why you did it. Best to let it go, and give yourself a private pat on the back, even if you don't get one from your daughter.

AIBU to point out that all these sad tales are about Gransnetters' own children? We brought them up, taught them how to behave and how to be polite. Generally speaking, not always, we reap the results of what our children learned from us.

This deal was just that — a deal -- and better that it was regarded in that businesslike way. It was honoured. Be proud that your daughter kept to it. It's obvious that many don't.

I know that 'hurray' can very well mean, as others have pointed out, pleasure that the deal is finished and a presumed delight on both sides that it has worked out. It is a written equivalent of a shared bottle of champagne from the younger ones.

Helski, it may be many years before you find that in ways you cannot imagine at present, you daughter and son in law help you when you need it — not necessarily financially — and say their thank yous, and 'you were there, when we needed some help'. Don't fret about missing thank yous now. They are only words.

I've loaned or given much money to my sons and their families. I get thanks, and I appreciate this.

I get really upset when the grandchildren fail to thank me for their birthday money, or a special gift if it has been requested by them! So much so, I decided I would deal with special birthdays when they visited us. Recently Our 18 yrs old grandson visited and I explained why I only sent a card for his birthday. I gave him a substantial amount of money for his missed 18th birthday! Result! The sheer joy on his face was immeasurable.! And a complete understanding on his part.

Have they never thanked you for it ever?

If they've thanked you in the past, then doesn't that count?

Thank you for all of your comments.

Yes, I have been thanked, initially, three years ago.

No, I was not expecting fanfare and or whistles. I was just a little disappointed that there was no expression of gratitude in the email re the final payment.

I can assure you that we are not wealthy, this loan was all the money we had at the time. Our choice, so not complaining about that.

But I'm over it and moving on.

We paid off DS's debts several years ago and told him the money would be deducted from his share of our will. But we have now decided to give the same amount to DD so you can use it as she wants. It's already gone on house improvements which they didn't have the cash for. So now they'll both have equal shares in any inheritance.

We've loaned money in the past to both of them and DD has always repaid promptly while DS needs to be reminded!!

I think you were very fortunate Helski that the loan was paid back in full and on time!! Think what you can do with that money now........holiday?

I agree with Alea. A quick email or note saying it's great they're finally free of the loan and shall we celebrate would be a subtle way of doing it.

you are lucky you was repaid over the years i lent my son various amounts of money totalling about £8000 he always said he would repay me and never denied owing it until we were hit by a change in circumstances and i asked him about repayment [he has a very well paid job in IT]. That apparently made me a shit mother he cut all contact we haven't heard from him over a year and don't see his kids , he also dragged his brother into it we don't see his daughter either because his wife says so . moral is don't lend or give money to family,

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I really can't see what all the fuss is about. We have given both our sons a helping hand to buy a house and were only too pleased that we could afford to do it - just as my parents helped us. I thought this was what families do: help each other however they can. Of course they were very grateful and said so and I don't expect repeated protestations of gratitude at regular intervals.
One word of advice: when we gave the money to our elder son, we took the advice of the solicitor doing the house purchase and designated the money as an interest -free loan - just in case, as she said. 10 years later when divorce happened and the house was sold and proceeds divided between son and ex-wife, we got our money back. Always been grateful to that very wise solicitor

Increased value of their house, frequency of holidays and eating out are totally irrelevant, IMO.

Given some of the horror stories PPs relate about loans not being repaid, I'd suggest that effusive thanks are due from Helski to her daughter for honouring the agreement!