Am I being unreasonable?

Could you not collect the children from school but go to your home to cook and all eat together there ?

Don't allow yourself to be taken for granted.
Seems like they view you as staff to provide a service.
So they won't drop in on you if there's no advantage to them in doing so.
I've seen this so many times.
Are you paying for the groceries too.
Just get a t shirt with a doormat logo.

Yorklady well I guess I could but it just makes mess in my house. I do have some health issues which make me tired and a bit slow. What I am looking for is one or two spontaneous visits. Have my grandchildren in my home

Welkbeck you are completely right. Everything is completely to suit them. They are very self focused. I am really just looking for some ideas how I can nudge it around a bit.

What Yorklady says. I preferred to bring them to my house. I liked to prepare the food in my kitchen. Very often , my daughter used to do sone shopping, but tbh it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t mind doing that, but used to smile when little granddaughter preferred her other Nan’s cooking. I would say, well D , when you’re in Nan’s house, you must eat what Nancooks for you 😂 - to be fair, her Gran is an excellent cook, especially her cakes…..

I too used to have my grandkids more often in my own house and preferred that because I could be getting on with something whilst looking after them or inbetween games When I had them at their house I felt I was twiddling my thumbs.
I would expect to feed them with my own money, blimey it’s only once a week, not every day wellbeck. If you can’t buy your grabdkids a tea once a week that’s poor do s
About the popping in I don’t think people do ‘pop in’ so much now. Why not invite them all to a Sunday lunch or similar or invite them over for a fish and chip supper or takeaway if you don’t want to cook or anything really but if you’re waiting for a pop in you might wait a long time, they can’t read your mind
None of my kids are pop in people and I’m glad they re not I like to be prepared

I don’t understand but it just makes a mess in my house
Surely it’s the same mess in their house as it is in yours.
That’s assuming you clear up after cooking in their house.

You have a good relationship and get to feed the family once a week. Many Grans on here would love that. I do something similar with my granddaughters and do it happily. After school the children are happier in their home and if we do something messy, like baking, the mess is in their house.
Count your blessings.

I get this, I think.

I looked after one lot of grandchildren in their own home because it made more sense that way round. I have had 2 other lots here because that made sense too.

The ones that I had here are much more at home here than the others- helping themselves to anything they want, getting out all the craft stuff etc and putting it back.

TBH making a mess of our home is something we relish.

It sounds to me that you don’t really want them in your house, as it makes a mess, and you have health issues. Perhaps the family have picked up on your displeasure and are trying to make sure you keep in contact with the DGC without worrying about mess. You can’t have it both ways. And, sorry, I don’t see how that makes you a doormat.

I think I am like Pleasebenice.
And the 2nd paragraph of BlueBelle.

Why not just invite them round to your home for some reason or another or just tell them you would like them to call in.

I am afraid I am one of those people who prefers to just go ahead a nd say things, obviously I will choose my words, but it makes for far less upset if everything is in the open.

Presumably you see the parents when they come home and have a bit of a chat before you leave. So you get to see your family once a week. That’s really nice.

If they’re at work all week I’m not sure when they would “pop in” to be honest.

I think maybe you’re viewing it as someone who isn’t at work and has free time whereas they will be trying to fit in work, house, garden, children, other relatives , friends.

Their lives are full to overflowing and for them seeing you once a week seems about right.

You don’t describe how the GC parents are with you when you’re in their home Thistlelass, you don’t explain why you buy the ingredients for the meal you cook there. Is there no food in their house? Do you all chat over dinner? Do they get up from the table and leave you to clear away alone? Do you ever have a conversation with them at all?
You also claim that having the GC at yours would make a mess……maybe the family have picked up on this and feel uncomfortable in your home and afraid the children will make a mess. Maybe, because of your health issues, they think it would be too much for you.
There’s so many variables and so much that you’re not telling us but one thing’s for sure, you need to have a conversation with the family, invite them over, ask what stops them visiting, tell them you’d love to cook for them - if that’s what you yearn to do. But you have to accept that children often bring a little chaos - and I mean that kindly - you cannot expect them to sit and do nothing. Toys and books etc can be restricted to a specific play area, organisation is not difficult.

Well, spontaneous might be hard, given (I’m assuming) both parents work.

However, why not invite them across for a cuppa and slice of cake?

Not sure, having worked full time myself and had four children, that a weekend would work.

I know from experience that often children of this age do activities/clubs.

Our 11 year DGS plays football in a local team, that’s Saturday on training, and Sunday matches, during the season. On top of this he has dancing/musical theatre on Saturday mornings, and scouts to fit in during the week. Friends coming over for sleepovers and the parents social and work life.

It’s an awful busy life

I'm reading all of them. Re the mess in my house, when I cook at theirs they generally clear up and put the dishes in the dishwasher etc. I do have illnrsses which leave me very tired and I very much struggle trying to get and keep my home in order.
Yes I do have social chat with them while I am tbere. Part of it might be that they know this is the case not sure.
It is very hard to get something to make that all the family would eat. I cook pretty much from scratcb when I sm there and the grocery bill csn be in the early £20 mark. That is quite a lot I think.
As a family they are regularly away in a camper at weekends.

Well you see them once a week, don’t like mess in your house, they are a busy family - I think expecting them to pop in as well is a bit much. If you weren’t able to do the weekly pickup maybe they would make the effort. I think you are being a bit unreasonable to be honest.

Okay Vegansrock. I don't feel it is unreasonable to aim for reciprocity with adult family members. At the moment I do all the giving.. It is not as simple as someone not liking mess in their homr. I have major depressive disorder and other conditions which physically limit me. It is an ongoing struggle to remove clutter from the house and get it organisef. I would happily welcome them in for cake and a cuppa as someone.said.

M0nica

Why not just invite them round to your home for some reason or another or just tell them you would like them to call in.

I am afraid I am one of those people who prefers to just go ahead a nd say things, obviously I will choose my words, but it makes for far less upset if everything is in the open.

Agree with Monica.

Just say " I'd love to see you at mine sometimes. As a starter why dont you come over for tea and cake soon. Lets get it in the diary!"

Whilst they are with you say how lovely it is to have them over and they are welcome to drop in whenever and how much you would like that to happen.

Having said that, as they see you and chat weekly they probably feel there is less need to drop in to see you maybe?

Well I still don’t understand if your at there house you have to cook a £20 meal every week When I looked after mine on a school day they d probably have had beans on toast with an egg surely stuff like that is in their fridge.
I still think you ll be waiting a long time for a ‘pop in’ invite them over, they can’t read your mind

A Polish family who used to live here have called in unannounced around Christmastime 2 years running. They now have 3 DC under 5!

Luckily I keep a box of toys and there was food because there was cake etc.

It was nice to see them but I would have preferred some warning, I think.

In your case I don't think it's the dropping in you want but just a bit more appreciation for all you do.

I'm not sure why you cook everyone a full meal every week. Especially buying all the ingredients. Presumably they manage to fend for themselves the other 6 days. Tell them its too much and just do something on toast or a jacket potato for the kids.

Do you take DGC out? Or is the only social interaction at their house with you cooking? If so the £20 a week is cheap if you consider the cost of outings! Soft plays, cinema even a park trip with possible cafe or ice creams

I cook a full mezl for everyone because my son has been working manually since 7.30 in morning. Carpenter. And DIL also has a good appetite. The cooking at their house is something I view as good for me as does not happen at home. My grandchildren have tried out various recipes I have made. Not always successfully 🙂 Yes I do sometimes take them out to the Cinema. All three of us enjoy that. I think I am going to have to bite the bullet snd try to tell them how I feel.