Cinderella - The Gransnet Panto!

Buttons: 'Cinderella, Cinderella, here's an invitation for all the ladies in the household to go to the prince's ball. That must include you!'

Cinerella: 'I ain't no lady, Buttons. I've been around long enough to know there'll be no fun in meeting some chinless wonder who goes on about organic vegetables all day long.....'

(Buttons has offered a chicken leg and retrieved the card)

The ‘Why Cinders doesn’t need a prince’ rap........in the style of N-Dubz (ask your grandchildren)
Yo! Yo! Cinders, time to go, the Prince is looking for his ho’
It’s 12 o’clock in just a minute, you’ll turn to mingin’ girlfriend, innit?
Get shiftin’ see you laters, bitch....before you’re left without a stitch
You’ve narked the Uglies, girl, you get me, they’re cussin’ you from here to Stepney
Looks like their ganja has been palmed - they catch you, you will be embalmed
They don’t take light to bein’ narked, they done clocked where your coach is parked
Get on it fast and budge your bones, before the prince finds out you’re stoned
Your Step-Blood they won’t help you out, forget the shoe – it’s full of snout
The rozzers they are on your case, you left your dabs at Buttons’ place
Your homeboy he’s complainin’ how you robbed his stash for bling, and now...
you’ve conned your way into the ball, you Chav, you’re no princess at all
You’re just a low-life on the make, for you there’ll be no wedding cake
Give back the threads, glass slipper, coach; flush the weed, put down that roach
Turn yourself in, face the facts, skivvies like you should watch their backs
Your tag is beepin’ fit to burst, breach of licence makes it worse
Back to jail and fingers crossed, you’ll get a bender, some time off....
for good behaviour, unpaid work, Prince’s Trust, to dig the dirt....
in local woods, where you might meet a biddy who will size your feet
in case you meet a royal Blood, Prince Charles by name – a blue blood dud
He’ll ask you if you wanna dance, just tell him ‘shove it! There’s no chance
I’ve bin there once you chinless twit, gerrout my way - I’d rather sit....
in ashes on the kitchen floor, and spend my lifetime bein’ poor
No point in looking for a man, who needs a pre-nup weddin’plan
You is bad, you mess my mind, I don’t want nuffin’ with your kind
Where’s my dealer, give me crack, Cinders hasn’t lost the knack
I ain’t bovvered, cos I’s the Queen, I’m tops, I’m Teflon, know wot I mean?’
(flips a finger at prince – ‘swivel – you get me?’)

You're right , you're right
It wouldn't do
He can't marry a feminist
Like you!!

Cinderella: 'Buttons, just leave me to it here in the scullery, will you? I'm cynical and jaded and see no point in aspiring to the aristocracy.'

No No to this I take offence
I'll leap to my dear girls' defence!

Delightful all in form and face
Walk elegantly and dance with grace
(And though they all are bright and sweet
I worry a bit about their feet.)

Cinders: 'It's like deja vu - I've been over and over this scenario so many times in my dreams and it never comes out right. I think I'll give the ball a miss and just stay here watching 'The Only Way is Essex'

Is this the end?
Concede to Cinders?
I think I'll go and clean the winders!

If we decide to meet again
Get in touch. gimme the gen!

Meanwhile Prince Charming has wandered out of the palace to make a mobile telpehone call to his mistress from his hut in the shrubbery. he has to explain that she was for the chop pro tem while he begets and heir and spare.

Buttons - But.............yesterday you were longing to go!

Fairy Grand/Godmother appears - (beehive hairdo, lots of makeup, skintight running gear, cleavage and sparkly fairy wings. And a Welsh accent. Ruth Jones and Ruth Madoc both turned down this part...) :
Psst Cinders ow are you doing babe? I couldn't like 'elp but over year you. Just now like. I know you don wanna like, swap matriarchal servitude for patriarchal servitude (combined with all those public duties and compulsory celeb status like) But give this ball thing a bit of a think. When was the last time you ad a night out like? You can 'ardly have a girls night out with that load of poisonous cows can you? (Points up the stairs)
Do you good babe. Bit of a bop and all that. No - look - I don want an answer now. Things to do and people to see like. I'll be back later. See you da'len. xxx

Cinders: who the hell was that? Not my idea of a fairy godmother! Still, she has a point - a bit of fun would do me good. I hope the pharmacy (sorry - Americanism) is open tomorrow, cos I might just get lucky and bed the prince. I hear he's partial to a bit on the side.

(Cat - I heard from the palace cat that the entertainment will be a bit raunchy too Wish I could tell her that!)

Stepmum

Oi Cinders
To go to the ball you may be twitchin'
But here you'll stay and clean the kitchen
I'm sure it will be just a cinch
For one of MY girls to snare the Prince.

(Exit stage left, with evil cackles)

Alors - here are zee danceurs - a leetle late because zee French air trafeec controleurs are on strike!

All ready the Chorus Line?
The costumes look beautiful, all those lovely frilly frocks.
OK, arms round each other's shoulders, big smile..
Right go for it, give it your best, BREAK A LEG! (No not literally).
Ta tata tata ta ta tata..
Ta ta ta ta ta tadatada tum Ta ta ta ta ta tadatadatadatada
Beautiful cartwheels - tada tada tada
Legs up twirl and twirl and twirl
Ta ta ta tatata tum ta ta ta tattata tum
tum tum tum tum tatatata tum tum
Leap and splits tiddle um tum tum tum tum TUM TUM!

Oh well done everyone, well done
Champagne and Deep Heat all round
I can hear the rapturous applause from the other side of the Channel!

French tarts! ....mmm, yes and we'll have some Eton Mess, and how about a tower of profiteroles. The catering really is improving here in the palace. Do you think you'll be ready for the ball, chef?

(They're dancing at the airport already?)

Stepmum
Bravo! Bravo!
( But behind the hand comment)
My girls could rival those high-kickers
Some of them weren't wearing kn......!!

Oh dear - I think we were a bit early. We are very expensive you know - we have to help save France's triple A rating.....

Stepmum

Pardon me for being nosey
Is one of you Madame Sarkozy?

Fairy grandmother

Cinders will be homeward winging
When the midnight bell starts ringing
So prince get up and start to dance
Or surely you will miss your chance!

Oh - you mustn't ask - Carla hates publicity...

Audience: this is rubbish....boo....boo....gerrof!

Oh no we WON'T!!