Problems with my adult son part 2

I would go to the zoo and try and enjoy it. Unfortunately it is not up to you to fix the relationship between your son and daughter. They need to do that themselves.
You have to accept that they are not going to be best friends however much you would like them to be.
I would keep well out of it, if not you could lose your son.

Hello dragonfly 46
Thanks for your reply
But what do I do about inviting them together for a Sunday lunch. ,which I like to do ?
What if my daughter says she doesn’t want to come ?

You cannot force a situation where they both come to your house at the same time. You risk losing contact with both your children. Please leave them to sort it out or not. Stop interfering with their relationship or lack of. I understand it's hurtful for you to see your children at loggerheads, but don't bring it up with either of them. Your son is already angry at you.

As dragonfly says it’s not job to fix them. Why would you invite them for lunch when you already know they are at odds.
See them separately and hope they see sense. What you want maybe ideal to you but it’s really up to them maybe they just don’t like each other much which happens in families.

I would let things settle now Notjustaprettyface your son and daughter need to sort this out for themselves. Pushing the families together is not helpful. Enjoy time with them separately and things may improve. It's hard to see your children at odds with each other I know but you have to leave them to it now.

I think it would be better for everyone if you just see your son and family and daughter and family separately.
Resist all temptation to be a matchmaker and don’t discuss your daughter with your son and vice versa.
My late MIL drove me mad forever banging on about how wonderful my SIl and children were and trying to make us all friends, it just drove a bigger wedge, since my MIL died we all get on much better.

Just keep out of it. They’ve got to sort themselves out without you fuelling it by thinking of inviting them to Sunday lunch together. That’s something you like to do but you’ll have to adapt to the current situation.

Agree with dragonfly. I have a friend whose adult (now middle aged)son and daughter havnt spoken or met for about 20 years.
It’s not a happy situation fir her, but she sees them separately and doesn’t get involved and never discusses one child with the other. While it’s difficult and very distressing she keeps out of the situation between her children. It’s up to them to sort things out but so far they havnt snd frankly don’t think they ever will,
You just need to accept this, you can’t change how they feel and if you keep trying to sort things out/get them together you risk losing one or both of your children.
You can’t control this however much as a parent you want to,

Takes me so long others have already posted but seems advice is the same. I am sorry.

I completely agree with the other posters. Do not get involved and do not take sides. See them seperately. Adult siblings do not have to be friends. Do not talk about one to the other or you will end up in the crossfire.

I imagine your son and his wife would like their little girl to be the centre of attention for her birthday. If your daughter's children are there too they will dominate the situation. Just a thought.

Sorry to hear things are still difficult despite having patched up your previous issue. I think I said something similar when I posted on your previous thread, as much as it greaves you that your son and daughter are in conflict, you need to keep out of it and leave them to it. They are adults and the days of you being able to intervene and act the parent are gone. No good will come of trying to make them get along. It's his child's birthday and as the parent he gets to choose who he spends it with. He doesn't want his sister and her children there. That is his choice and you need to respect it. You can suggest another day out for the whole family any other day of the year that suits you. If you can let go of trying to control things and trying to insist they all get along, you will make life much easier for yourself. Enjoy what you have and try to stop wanting more, that will only keep you unhappy and dissatisfied.

What do you do about inviting them together for Sunday lunch? Simple answer, you don't. You are going to have to come to terms with the fact that there is animosity between them, regardless of who is at fault.

If you keep interfering you will be the one to lose out. Your son and DIL will cut you off and you won't see their children. Sorry to be brutal, but I would have thought the situation was glaringly obvious by now.

I haven't spoken to my brother for at least 25 years and whilst my mother naturally wished otherwise, she did not interfere or try to engineer happy families where one did not exist. She accepted the circumstances and continued to enjoy both our company separately. It wasnt difficult. It is fair to say that she saw more of me, as mothers often do with daughters,

You need to accept that life is not perfect, that your son and daughter may have irreconcilable differences and keep your nose firmly out otherwise you really are headed for a fall. See them separately and enjoy the time you spend with each of them.

agree with Nell8.
OP, i think you are skating on thin ice.
you keep trying to interfere in your son's family life.
that is not respectful.
you were an invited guest to the zoo b'day.
that's nice. and an honour.
you need to behave like a guest, not as if you are in charge of that family.
maybe your son thinks your daughter's children are noisy and too boisterous, would spoil the gentle occasion they want for their child, and for her to be the special one.
who knows. it doesn't matter why.
it's not your business to know why.
they are entitled to run theri family as they wish.
you are lucky they asked you at all.
i can't believe you started arguing with your son again, after all the previous trouble.
you are making your life more difficult than it need be.
i don't see it as your son being jealous of his sister. not at all. that is your idea, to put down his choices in your mind.
you need to eat humble pie now, and keep quiet, and be ever so grateful on the trip.
to have any hope of being included again.

As it happens I don’t see my sibling either and our children as cousins don’t know each other as adults.
My mother wasn’t happy and tried hard to get us together, but since she died our relationships is zero.

Sometimes we have to accept that our children just don't get on. I don't get on with my brother and most of my friends have issues with at least one of their siblings. Of course you'd like to have one big happy family but concentrate on your relationship with each of them separately and stop trying to get them together. That might happen naturally in time but you can't force it

Well put Welbwck. OP please take on board all the advice you're being given, people are trying to help you avoid making the situation worse and ending up with you not speaking to or seeing your family. It doesn't need to end up like that but it it's up to you to make sure it doesn't. These comments are all meant kindly.

Agree with Welbeck. I think you are perhaps interfering in the hopes that you will all be one big happy family but if your son is jealous of his sister you are making the situation worse. Your daughter has a zoo pass so can go anytime, so your emphasis on the fact that she has 3 young children to keep happy on a January afternoon is irrelevant unless she was already planning on going and now feels she can’t.

Thank you all for your comments and advice
I will do what you recommend
It’s going to be hard for me but that’s life
My husband wouldn’t want this situation either
And I really hurt badly

It's not your birthday trip.
You are a guest along with the other grandparents. This event is totally about your son's child. An opportunity to make a fuss of them.

No reason to invite the birthday child's aunt or cousins. They are only inviting grandparents.

Please don't make this about what you want....
I would have loved to go out with all 4 grandchildren and I want them to be close as cousins.
...this is a birthday outing for one child, their parents and grandparents.

I think you are not thinking this through.

As an aside, I have seven grandchildren, they don't all get invited to everyone else's birthdays - why should they? Maybe you think they should be - so that I get to see them all-together?

You cannot,and should not try to orchestrate other peoples lives..

So many problems in families, mine being one of them but I keep my nose out. At the end of the day it is your children that have to sort this mess out, not you. As long as you make both families welcome when they arrive at different times that is as much as you can do. Do not play piggy in the middle as you may cause problems for yourself too. They are grown ups, don't act like it, but still grown ups. They are not excluding you from days out with them,but if you get involved, they might do, it is not your problem to solve, it is theirs.

You say "^It’s going to be hard for me^" but it doesn't need to be. It is just you (as someone said earlier) wanting more... instead of just going to the zoo.

Have fun on the birthday trip. Put the other stuff aside. It was nice to have been invited.

Lots of good advice for you to take on board.

How lovely to be invited to Gc birthday zoo trip as a guest. Not the host.

See your AC separately with no pressures from you. Enjoy their company separately. So many on GN are estranged from their AC and GC. Don't make the problems worse. Accept how it is.