Am I a toxic Granddad? My wife passed away when our granddaughter was one so all thoughts and dreams, we had of days out sleepovers and holidays where now no longer an option for me.
My daughter stopped working when Imogen was born and is still not working her dad has had numerous jobs in the same period totaling about 4 years.
My granddaughter was 9 last November. I have always wanted to take just her out for dinner or lunch or to a pantomime or show I figured she was now old enough. I accepted the fact that a young lady has toilet needs and a granddad could not assist, but now she is 9 and can look after herself I have asked my daughter, but she refuses.
Whilst I have had lots and lots of shared time with her and mum with great days out doing and going to fun places, for which I am truly thankful this includes mum mostly and dad when he wants to be included. When she was 3 and again when she was 4 and 5, I wanted to take her with Mum and Dad to see Father Christmas in Lapland her dad did not want to go so we could not because he wanted to be with Imogen on her first Aeroplan flight. When she was six, I took mum and Imogen to Disneyland Paris, but we had to drive because dad did not want to go. On our return her bestie had just come back from a villa holiday in Portugal Imogen asked if I could take her and mummy to do the same her dad said yes if I took him also, I was happy to do so this would at least get over the flight problem so of we all went to Portugal. Then Covid came along the world changed we are now on the way back to normality.
My Daughter and partner have never had a night out together since Imogen was born (I find this odd its not a money problem perhaps I am odd thinking it’s odd) so I have never even had the chance to baby sit. Whilst mummy and Imogen have had many sleep overs at mine Imogen never by herself. I thought this might be because I lived in the middle of nowhere so during covid I moved to a much nearer location. Still no sleep over.
I have a great relationship with Imogen and never missed any event that can be attended school plays, sports days, sports matches what ever it is if spectators allowed, I am there. On the occasions I am allowed to collect Imogen from school she still runs across the playground flies through the air expecting me to catch her she might be bigger and heavier now but for me that is still a magic moment. I am nearly 80 and dread the day I have to tell her I can’t catch her any more she is quite the young lady now so will probably stop soon says I hopefully.
I know I spoil Imogen she can have whatever she wants providing its ok with mum and dad, I only have the one grandchild and while I can I do not want her to miss out on anything. I do want her to have some quality time just with me and whatever is around us not just for me I want it for her also, her mum thinks it is me wanting it for me and its not something Imogen needs or should have. Perhaps I am just an old man with rose tinted glasses that needs to take them off.
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Granddad in desperate need of advice
(101 Posts)I hope Imogen is not her real name - privacy in the internet is very important
I think you are lucky to have such a good relationship with your family and gc.
There is a mismatch of expectations, which is very common.
It is also not odd that your daughter and her partner have not had a night off since your gc was born, many parents do not want to do that and prefer staying home with the kids
I don't understand why you would think you are toxic?
I wouldn't worry about alone time with your granddaughter though, just enjoy spending time with the family.
You sound like a lovely grandad StanDad and it's obvious that you care very deeply for your grandaughter and she for you. But sleepovers, days away and holidays alone with her can only ever be conducted with full agreement from her mum and dad. It sounds as though you spend a lot of time with her already, a lot more than many grandparents get; perhaps just enjoy and value what you already are lucky enough to have, without seeking more. It would be a shame to spoil the relationship with her parents by demanding more than they're comfortable with.
ask if she can come to yours for 3 hours one morning or afternoon, to perhaps bake some bread or to make some cakes. Just a small activity in your own home. You will need to be patient and to take those small steps during the day. Its quite a big thing for a parent to leave a young girl alone with a grandad overnight, so small steps for now
My widowed brother looks after each of his 3 grandchildren but he is 60, I know he does activities like baking bread or fishing
If you do woodwork, then make something with her, show her how to carve wood safely, use a drill, use a screwdriver
I understand how you feel Standad, I would feel the same in the same circumstances, but I think the problem lies in the relatonship between your DD and her husband and the care they are taking of their daughter.
Many parents today are, what I would consider over protective with chlldren, especially girls. They read stories of all the child abuse that has occurred and reach a stage where they will not let their child be alone with any man at any time.
I do not mean that they suspect that you, personally, would abuse your darling graanddaughter, but they just have a generic fear of abuse that ends in a blanket, every man a danger. A bit like the feminist claim - every man a rapist-.
That may not be the reason, you never go out alone with her, but it is one that is possible. Could you ask your DD outright what the problem is?
Lovely grandad - I too am hoping that Imogen is not her real name. You have a great relationship with your family. Don’t rock the boat !
It sounds as though you have a very loving relationship with your granddaughter. As she is still quite young just enjoy the fun you have together. Her mum must feel she is not ready to have sleepovers etc yet.
You and your granddaughter are very lucky to have each other.
m not saying it is, just a thought. We (my husband and I) look after our granddaughter a lot and to be honest it is much easier when there is two of you. Maybe just ask her.
There have been many threads on here from grans wanting sleepovers etc. personally I have never understood the need to have a child overnight if the parent isn’t comfortable being apart from them.
You appear to have a lovely relationship with your granddaughter, try to enjoy it without longing for more.
You sound completely lovely it’s a huge disappointment but don’t let it spoil things with your precious granddaughter I had the most special relationship with my granddad he only ever had me on my own to take me for a walk he bought me my first camera and we used to go for walks to take photos
He died when I was 16 he was only 61 and it totally broke my heart
I hope you are allowed to take her for a meal alone how special would that be but if not continue doing what you’re doing she will have wonderful memories of your time together and you have so much more than many many grandparents
Esspee
There have been many threads on here from grans wanting sleepovers etc. personally I have never understood the need to have a child overnight if the parent isn’t comfortable being apart from them.
You appear to have a lovely relationship with your granddaughter, try to enjoy it without longing for more.
Quite agree. l
StanDad you can only offer the outings and treats you think your granddaughter might enjoy.
Consider though that your daughter and her partner may have still turned some of them down even if your wife were still alive.
Try to be philosophical and not take these knock-backs personally. You do indeed sound like a lovely grandad ?
Thank you for your comments I have taken them on board
When I said they have never been out together I did not mention the times he is working he is of out drinking every week at least once till the early hours and off for weekends away with the boys. It is my daughter that has never been out by herself with her friends because he does not like them. They are both over fifty
My last comments in response to Hithere
Oh dear ☹️
It really is best to stay out of their relationship though, even if/when you can see the glaring inconsistencies...
Sadly, it is up to your daughter to speak up if she is unhappy with the situation
Standad I really don't think you need to worry there is anything wrong with you from what you have said.
Their marriage is also their business unless you are asked for help, hard as that is.
Just enjoy being with your daughter and granddaughter, they seem to come as a package deal and that's not a bad thing
StanDad
There’s nothing wrong with you from what I’ve read ?
I have 2 grandchildren still at the sleepover stage.
I know that my son in law and daughter love and trust me very much, but, my son in law loves his children to be at home in their own beds.
They do sleep over when mum & dad are going out and are going to be late. That doesn’t bother me one jot.
You are one lucky Grandad! You have a sound relationship with your daughter and spend lots of time with your granddaughter, please be happy with your situation. If the child’s parents choose not to go out in the evening that is fine and their choice! Whatever the marital situation is for your daughter it is her business , just be there for her and don’t expect more than she can give. Enjoy the time you have with them and stop craving a sleepover for your GD it is clear that is not going to happen, so please respect that.
Shelflife
You are one lucky Grandad! You have a sound relationship with your daughter and spend lots of time with your granddaughter, please be happy with your situation. If the child’s parents choose not to go out in the evening that is fine and their choice! Whatever the marital situation is for your daughter it is her business , just be there for her and don’t expect more than she can give. Enjoy the time you have with them and stop craving a sleepover for your GD it is clear that is not going to happen, so please respect that.
This is exactly what I would have posted.
Your daughter and granddaughter are lucky ladies indeed.
Enjoy what you have and don’t hanker after sleepovers.
I really wouldn’t push for sleep overs as your daughter often stays at yours along with your Granddaughter.
Every time you spend with her is ‘quality time’ and they both obviously enjoy being with you.
You seem to have a lovely relationship with them both, please don’t spoil it.
The relationship you have with your D and GD is priceless StanDad. So many wonderful memories are being made so enjoy the making of them. They are lucky to have you in their lives, and you are lucky to have them.
I would have said exactly what Monica said but not half as articulately. I would also add the suggestion of ageism. No, I'm not saying you're old. Certainly not but I am suggesting that, in the minds of your GD parents, you are more vulnerable by virtue of age and that is a huge consideration for them in terms of their D's welfare. I have experience of this but had a kindly and satisfactory explanation. There y'go...... Sounds like what you have is pretty wonderful. I find sole responsibility a constant awareness even amidst the absolute joy. Good luck.
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