What to do when patience is exhausted

Fidelia Mon 07-Oct-19 13:05:34
Saved!
Many years ago I had a smart modern kitchen but now the doors have warped, the hinges are wobbly and the drawers sag ... (bit like me). My husband is a DIY enthusiast and for the past five years at least has refused to let anyone else remedy the situation while at the same time insisting he can do it. Nothing has been done though and it is grim. Needless to say my mood is grim as well. I have saved up so his excuse that it is too expensive doesn't work.
Any help about tackling this problem and avoiding the rage that ensues when it's mentioned would be appreciated.

Apologies for quietly smiling. I used to call my late H, Mr Gunna-do, for the jobs he used to say he was " going to do " but never did----all with good intentions of course. I gave up being a nag and lapsed into complacency when he became ill .
Years later I sold up and the problem/s became someone else's. Though I don't expect you to take such drastic actions I sadly don't know what the answer is, unless you just go ahead and book someone to do it without his knowledge and take a chance with any would-be lashback.

You could tell him that you've got the money put aside for a new kitchen you're going to have one installed. He still has the option as a DIY enthusiast to make the much needed repairs or fit a new kitchen himself, but if he wont then you'll get someone else to do it.

That's what I'd do and TBH I'd have done so a long time ago. Good luck.

Sympathy Fidelia, I've known two households like yours, both of the men were builders whose effort was saved for other people's properties.

My first thought was the same as Smileless, get some quotes and say you're going to get it done though that assumes you can afford it. Does he or would he go away on a short holiday so that you could secretly get it done?! Have you got children or relatives that you could persuade to be on your side? That would help with his rage which sounds like it could be a problem.

My daughter has just done a work workshop on getting what you want out of people by working out what motivates them and then approaching them with that hat on. I'm sure there are lots of such things but her workshop was called Insight social styles tracom.com/social-style-training/model. Is it the money he resents paying someone else to do what he feels he can do? Is it pride in his own skills and in his home? Is it you interfering in what he thinks is his area? Is he a procrastinator? Is he getting older and just can't face the work? Only you know!

It's just a thought but I've faced anger and it can be frightening, it may not be that bad for you, just annoying but you probably need to get past it? Depends how cut and dried you can be with him and what he will accept. Best of luck! A new kitchen is just wonderful.

I have heard of DHs like yours and used to wish mine was a DIYer. He isn't and I am rather relieved because I always get someone in and we are usually both pleased with the result However, just this once we have hired a floor sander and embarked on what has become a project. I think the time it has taken so far, the sore backs, dust in the lungs and not very professional finish has gone to remind us why we get someone in.
I can't afford a new kitchen so our retro one of 40 years, shabby though it is must suffice, I have had a cupboard and drawer repaired thanks to a local joiner.

Just be brave and get your new kitchen.

If nothing has been done, you need to take action to start the wheels moving. No good having drip periodically and then letting it rest.
Say you are tired of waiting and you want it done before (insert date here). Then start visiting showrooms (keeping him informed) and be sure of exactly what you want.

If he flies into a rage , you fly into a rage too. Don't let him browbeat you, your wants are as important as his and he's had his chance.

Tell him you going to get the kitchen sorted out. Get some brochures, get some quotes and assume that he is going to go along with it. You might be surprised.

Make it clear that you are giving him a deadline and then you will pay for someone else to do it.
You will get money from DH to pay the workman.

Stand firm. enough is enough!

No more meals till you have a new kitchen!

Just say “I can’t cook in there.”

Hi Folks
Thank you so much for your helpful replies. You have energised me into action and I can also see the 'bigger picture' more clearly now.
Gratefully,
Fidelia

After 47 years of not doing any DIY, now that he’s retired, my OH has decided to have a go and he really shouldn’t!

We’ve now got a wonky extractor fan in the bathroom and two gaping holes in the bedroom wall.

I need to get a teeshirt printed with ‘DI don’t’ on he front.

Please come a back and tell us if your deadline and ultimatum resulted in action after the expected rage.

Personally, I don't think he has any right to rage at all - but you have!

Ladies- be realistic!

You need to put your foot down with a heavy hand. Arrange everything, tell him, its not negotiable and as for his rages, well you either rage back or you just walk away from him and maybe go out.

He will behave like a kid throwing his toys around, so treat like one. Good luck and enjoy your new kitchen.

Love it Maw!

That's him Maw! good likeness

poor Sussex Luckily mine has never shown interest. When I say I'll sort those books (of his) he says - I'll do it, leave it to me and he's been saying that since I first met him. It ain't going to happen is it. When will I learn?

When DH was capable of doing domestic tasks he never got round to them and we reckoned his motto was “procrastinate now”!

Mr C is fond of saying "I'll do it now in a minute", apparently a saying from his childhood area, sometimes it's now sometimes in more minutes than I can count, sometimes never. I've sort of got used to it . Hope you're progressing Fidelia, let us know how it goes. Good luck.

Yes I agree. You have to stand up to your husband.

It is so much fun looking round kitchen showrooms and deciding which one you love.

The big showrooms are best to gain ideas. Great fun which you shouldn’t be denied by a stroppy husband!