Severely depressed and confused

Dear Gurms, don't hate yourself, that is so sad.

Is the son your biological child? I'm only asking because you say he feels it is "his father's house" - but I assume it is your house since your husband died.

If it is your house, you can make decisions regarding next steps, because you also have a life to live.

Find support from someone you can talk to in person who will help you to find the courage to do what's best for you, which will also be better for all the family. It doesn't sound as if the current situation is making anyone happy.

Your son must stop manipulating you and find independence, especially as he is expanding his family.

I wish you all the best.

I meant to add, starting with talking to your GP.

Yes, I have 2 adult biological sons. The house belongs to me now.

As the house belongs to you, it is now his mother's house, (no longer his father's house), and you can make decisions regarding it. It's not selfish to look after yourself! You are not a coward, it just sounds as if you're a bit on the back foot.

Why are family members scared of your son?

If he becomes angry just tell him, "Anger is just an emotion, and it doesn't scare me".

Is this your house….or your sons?? Assuming it’s yours, you have every right to sell and your son (is he an adult or a child?) has been very lucky to have free accommodation for the past five years! This isn’t a cruel action. It’s just you looking after yourself. In my view, your son and his wife should be making their own way through life and not ‘sponging’ off of you (sorry I know that’s painful to hear). As adults, you owe them nothing, not a house, or childcare. We have our children…..they leave the nest….and make lives for themselves. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them. Likewise, you must make a life for yourself at this stage, after your husband has died. I would muster up all the courage you can find, put the house on the market, fail to be influenced by your son…and move on. It won’t be easy but you will be able to do it once you’ve made that decision. My guess is that when they see how strong and determined you really are (and don’t convince yourself you are otherwise), the whole dynamics will change. You will be able to start a new chapter and so will they….

You have been more than kind, loving and generous and from your post it looks very like your son is taking blatant advantage of you.

Who legally owns your house?

Who is legally responsible for the upkeep of this house and all the bills?

Ok, I see it is you.

You need to speak to your other son and explain what’s happening, then both of you need to sit down, calmly and quietly, with your son who’s living with you and his wife.

Do this when the children are in bed and very calmly tell them that if these living arrangements are to continue, changes need to happen.

1. You must agree a scale of both payments and help around the house.

2. You need to put in place a date by which your son and his family will move into their own premises.

If you don’t do this your son will take over your entire home and destroy your life.

There are many things you can do to help manage your loneliness and grief which your son has so alarmingly exploited.

Seek assistance from a solicitor and if your son has threatened you in any way, ever, physically, financially, emotionally or mentally you really need to consider speaking to the police.

What he is doing to you in wrong in every sense.

Please consider grief counselling and seeing your GP.

You are not alone and you deserve support.

Your house , your rules .
Their babies their responsibility,
You have your own life to lead without bullying, if you want to sell they could get a mortgage and pay you the market price , don’t give in to them

Btw, you’ve done your bit bringing up your own children, if your son and daughter cannot “look after” their own children they shouldn’t have had them.

Cut those ties, I know you love your grandchildren, but they are not your responsibility and you’ve (hopefully) got a new life to build for yourself.

Sell up and live your life x

I am so sorry you are going through this. But you need to dig deep and find the strength to tell your son that it isn’t his father’s house anymore, that his father left it to you so it is your house and for your own wellbeing you need to sell it.
You might need to get your other son/family members to back you on this, they might be scared of him but they are condemning you to a life of anxiety and depression due to nobody confronting him. You have nothing to feel guilty about you have done more for your son and his wife than many parents would do in the circumstances and as for worrying about the new GC, that is for them to sort out, you can only offer to help babysit now and again.
Your peace of mind matters, worry a bit more about yourself.
Wishing you all the best. 💐💐

There is such a thing as financial abuse.

Your son is taking advantage of you and your health is suffering. As he is not treating you well I would put the house up for sale and buy yourself a home you can manage and live in alone.
It is up to your son to find accomodation for his family. He is relying far too heavily on you for support.
Constant fights would get anyone down and I think you know you can't continue like this. Time to look after yourself.
Wishing you well. 💐

Why not speak to Age UK www.ageuk.org.uk/ They have information and advice lines that can help you. Some branches have an advocacy service that can support you through the next few months.

You should speak to your doctor about a referral for counselling.

You need support for your severe depression, imo, Gurms, as in your painful and very understandably confused state of mind it is hard to make decisions.

I'd say start with getting this support, it may be some medication - please never feel ashamed of reaching for this - and a counselling figure to support you. Which is hard to get on the NHS, btw quickly, but not impossible.

You do have every right and indeed need to do what you have imagined, as regards getting yourself a nice little place but need to be in an emotional space where you can move forward.

Just to reassure you, it is not your fault that you are being treated like this, you are being manipulated. Your son in my opinion is in need of some help himself! But thats not your job.

I do suffer from depression and am on medication already. However, this situation has made it worse. I have no mood to do anything and just feel so hopeless. I am tired.

Gurms I'm sorry I missed just how badly depressed you are. Please talk to someone in person 😔 - you need more than just support on here.

You are not hopeless. You’re exhausted both mentally and physically.

Can you afford to go away for a few days, just to sleep and relax and then return to start the steps you need to take to put your son son firmly in his place and to start to rebuild your life.

You’re also not cruel nor are you a coward. Please please seek some support from your GP, your other family, friends or all of the above.

Put yourself first. You are a good person and deserve so much better.

Xx

Then Gurms, get this manipulative person out of your life and don't get involved in his cruel manipulation.
Sell up, it's your house and start to live again. You owe him nothing.
Get a solicitor who you trust on your side to help you take these steps - and your GP.
Good luck. x

The house is yours to do with as you wish. You are not a cruel person . You have provided a home for your son and family for 5 years but it’s not working out.
You need a smaller place and they need to find a home of their own. Childcare is their responsibility, not yours. They are taking advantage of you and your generosity, and am sorry you don’t have family support.
Assume your other son can’t help, but have you spoken to him. He may surprise you.
Are you in the US as you mention a condo? Are there any organisations such as Age Uk that we have here in the uk that you can talk to. I hope you can get advice, but remember it’s your house not his. Or his father’s.

Sound advice here that I fully agree with.
Your son is abusing you - move on ASAP. If you don't he will take over everything- including your emotional/ mental health. I understand you are in great distress and I can see why! Do see your GP and tell him / her exactly what is happening- do not protect him by holding back the truth.
Please be brave . Your family are scared of him- that says it all.
Remember this is YOUR house!! Move on and enjoy your life. I wish you good luck. 💐

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you. You are not a coward as you are being bullied. I think Retreads question earlier 'Why are family members scared of your son' is an important one. You implied that his wife doesn't speak up to him as well. Which does suggest that you would do well to seek support, which others have suggested above. I wish you all the strength you need to go forward.

M0nica

Why not speak to Age UK www.ageuk.org.uk/ They have information and advice lines that can help you. Some branches have an advocacy service that can support you through the next few months.

You should speak to your doctor about a referral for counselling.

I think the OP is in USA MOnica use of condo.

Your son is breaking the law by bullying, threatening, manipulating and coercing you.

Contact a Lawyer you trust, perhaps the one who helped with your husbands Will.
Make an appointment to see him at his office, or a local hotel, out of earshot of your son and DI and explain exactly what you've posted here. Then ask him to make all arrangements to put your house on the market, in formally instruct your son and DIL to leave ASAP.

They have no rights to be there, just houseguests who outstayed their welcome, so they have no right to remain against your wishes.

Have you got your eye on a condo or a location where you'd like to live? Start looking.

I have spoken to a Real Estate agent and he has suggested some listings. However, when I am home alone I get so depressed and guilty when I hear my grandson playing that I love very much and I start feeling of all the in convenience for him. SHe is 5months pregnant and I feel that I may not be fair to them . I dont know what is wrong with me. I just feel so hopeless and stuck