Severely depressed and confused

Gurns
What a situation to find yourself in when you are still grieving for your husband.
It sounds like your son only cares about what he wants and not you. The fact that family members are scared of him says it all.
You need some support in this, do you have a friend? Is there a local organisation which you could speak to explaining what is happening?
The house is yours he cannot do anything if your name is on the deeds. Do you live in the USA? Or another country other than the UK. Things may be different there you need to check this out.
Try to keep calm speak slowly when he is challenging you and walk away if you feel threatened. In the UK you are allowed at some solicitors 30 minutes free consultation. Research the solicitors who offer this service.
Don’t feel guilty about your son and family, at the end of the day it is his responsibility to take care of his own family not yours, you’ve done your bit bringing your children up, now it’s your time to have a good life.
If you need to talk things over, you can send me a private message, I will be only too happy to listen.

Do you want to sell your house and move to a condo, or is it the only way you can see at present of moving your son out?

From what you have said I cannot see him leaving readily, and you seem scared of him, so he HAS to go. Whether you stay is up to you, but you will feel better when you have taken action.

You need to be very clear about your intentions, and you need your family to support you in this and possibly legal backup.

Hi Gurms, it doesn't sound much fun living with your son at the moment. He sounds a bit coercive & controlling, towards you as his Mum & I don't see why he thinks it is his father's house so he has every right to be there, when it's yours and anyway you have another son who is living independantly.

I think Age concern could be very helpful. It is your decision where you live and no-one else's. Do not let him make you feel guilty, it's him who's guilty of taking you & your home for granted.

It's possible that once you have firm plans in place for your future, you will feel better. What I would do is speak to your other son, work out a plan for putting house on the market when your new grandchild is 6 months old (next spring). That gives them plenty of notice if it does sell quickly, giving you a firm date when you take back control.
Maybe if your other son doesn't want to get involved, Age concern could provide an advocate to help you explain your plan to your son & his family, and that it is not negotiable and that pressuring you to change your mind would constitute financial abuse.
Good luck anyway & I hope you have a lovely second grandchild.

Gurms, I really hope that you will find a solution to your sad problem and that then you will start to enjoy life and be happy again.

To misquote "America is another country they do things differently there". We think of them both as democratic countries but theirs is not socially democratic. This can make for stronger families or a high sense of family entitlement as this is often the only fallback. There seem to be few figures on whether this leads to greater elder financial abuse but those available seem to suggest this is the case.

Fallingstar

There is such a thing as financial abuse.

And this sounds very much like it…😬

It's more common than one might think, Padstow13.

I can recall my abusive husband standing hustling full 6 ft plus and shouting in front of visitors, "I can say what I like to MY wife in MY house.

But I didn't have any children or anyone else to be concerned about.

Please do go for help Gurms Please make those phone calls, but a call at the doctors is essential, and tell it like it really is for you, no soft soaping.

Your family won't interfere because they're scared of him?

Big red flag.

Is he very intimidating about being "entitled" to the house? Good grief - this isn't medieval times!

M0nica

Why not speak to Age UK www.ageuk.org.uk/ They have information and advice lines that can help you. Some branches have an advocacy service that can support you through the next few months.

You should speak to your doctor about a referral for counselling.

I think the poster may be in the USA M0nica.

Jaxjacky

M0nica

Why not speak to Age UK www.ageuk.org.uk/ They have information and advice lines that can help you. Some branches have an advocacy service that can support you through the next few months.

You should speak to your doctor about a referral for counselling.

I think the OP is in USA MOnica use of condo.

In which case she should contact the National Council on Aging www.ncoa.org/

Sorry - spelling error - that last sentence should read

I needed to basically shouting out loud enough, a lovely lovely solicitor:

So:
practically start with that phone call to the older persons agency,
some quiet advice from a solicitor,

and asap going to the doctor to let him or her know just how bad it is. xx

welbeck

This is domestic abuse and elder abuse.
I think you should contact the police.
Sounds like son is trying to cuckoo you out of your own home.
You need help.
Real help.

Yes.

If you were in the UK I'd advise a phone call to Age UK, so if you are in the Sates Gurms you need a similar helpline.

I maybe wrong, but amI right thinking you are partly afraid of being alone as in fearing you will lose access to your grandson and future baby as he is controlling to his wife? that is very understandable but do not assume that will happen as they are likely to want child help.

In my opinion, having divorced a Coercively Abusive man at age 71, and knowing quite a bit about MH too, he is not only controlling but has pretty much got some MH stuff too.

You re going to need a lot of support. I did. Basically shouting out loud enough, a lovely lovely solicitor. practically sat with that phone call to the older persons agency, some quiet advice from a solicitor, and going to the doctor to let him or her know just how bad it is.

Well done. You have consulted an agent and you've got some listings. That's a great start.

This is domestic abuse and elder abuse.
I think you should contact the police.
Sounds like son is trying to cuckoo you out of your own home.
You need help.
Real help.

I have spoken to a Real Estate agent and he has suggested some listings. However, when I am home alone I get so depressed and guilty when I hear my grandson playing that I love very much and I start feeling of all the in convenience for him. SHe is 5months pregnant and I feel that I may not be fair to them . I dont know what is wrong with me. I just feel so hopeless and stuck

Your son is breaking the law by bullying, threatening, manipulating and coercing you.

Contact a Lawyer you trust, perhaps the one who helped with your husbands Will.
Make an appointment to see him at his office, or a local hotel, out of earshot of your son and DI and explain exactly what you've posted here. Then ask him to make all arrangements to put your house on the market, in formally instruct your son and DIL to leave ASAP.

They have no rights to be there, just houseguests who outstayed their welcome, so they have no right to remain against your wishes.

Have you got your eye on a condo or a location where you'd like to live? Start looking.

M0nica

Why not speak to Age UK www.ageuk.org.uk/ They have information and advice lines that can help you. Some branches have an advocacy service that can support you through the next few months.

You should speak to your doctor about a referral for counselling.

I think the OP is in USA MOnica use of condo.

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you. You are not a coward as you are being bullied. I think Retreads question earlier 'Why are family members scared of your son' is an important one. You implied that his wife doesn't speak up to him as well. Which does suggest that you would do well to seek support, which others have suggested above. I wish you all the strength you need to go forward.

Sound advice here that I fully agree with.
Your son is abusing you - move on ASAP. If you don't he will take over everything- including your emotional/ mental health. I understand you are in great distress and I can see why! Do see your GP and tell him / her exactly what is happening- do not protect him by holding back the truth.
Please be brave . Your family are scared of him- that says it all.
Remember this is YOUR house!! Move on and enjoy your life. I wish you good luck. 💐

The house is yours to do with as you wish. You are not a cruel person . You have provided a home for your son and family for 5 years but it’s not working out.
You need a smaller place and they need to find a home of their own. Childcare is their responsibility, not yours. They are taking advantage of you and your generosity, and am sorry you don’t have family support.
Assume your other son can’t help, but have you spoken to him. He may surprise you.
Are you in the US as you mention a condo? Are there any organisations such as Age Uk that we have here in the uk that you can talk to. I hope you can get advice, but remember it’s your house not his. Or his father’s.

Then Gurms, get this manipulative person out of your life and don't get involved in his cruel manipulation.
Sell up, it's your house and start to live again. You owe him nothing.
Get a solicitor who you trust on your side to help you take these steps - and your GP.
Good luck. x

You’re also not cruel nor are you a coward. Please please seek some support from your GP, your other family, friends or all of the above.

Put yourself first. You are a good person and deserve so much better.

Xx

You are not hopeless. You’re exhausted both mentally and physically.

Can you afford to go away for a few days, just to sleep and relax and then return to start the steps you need to take to put your son son firmly in his place and to start to rebuild your life.

Gurms I'm sorry I missed just how badly depressed you are. Please talk to someone in person 😔 - you need more than just support on here.

I do suffer from depression and am on medication already. However, this situation has made it worse. I have no mood to do anything and just feel so hopeless. I am tired.