Visiting son and family abroad

It is difficult for you, and I'm sorry that you're not enjoying your visit. But you've been invited and you are there, which is good.
I think some of the problem does come down to cultural differences - the long working hours for example. Maybe going to bed early when staying with you was because your DiL was finding the cultural difference difficult too. My Japanese penfriend lived with us for 6 months nearly 30 years ago and there were times when there were misunderstandings even though we got on very well (we'd been penfriends for nearly 20 years).
I agree that the language is difficult. I tried to learn it over the course of several years, but can't remember much.
Probably much of the problem is because you haven't had the chance to spend time together except in 'hot-house' conditions of all being under the same roof (we have the same problem as we live too far from DS' family for short visits).
I hope that, as they get bigger, your GC will be able to communicate better with you - and at least they know who you are and have spent some time with you.
Perhaps if you can find out the best way of showing your appreciation for your stay, Japanese-style, it will ease your relationship with your DiL. And say 'thank you' in Japanese if nothing else!

So I think you should try to see the positives.

Your ds and dil are clearly hard working successful people? Happily married and you have the gift of grandchildren.

They invited you. So they want you there.

Maybe as the grandchildren get older they can come stay with you in Britain and think how exciting it will be for you planning places for them to visit?

My advice talk to your son. Ask him if there is any way you can help dil! Ask if she’s ok and can you help in any way with the kids.

Smile and count your blessings. They are a successful unit and that is in a way is down to you being a great mum

Did you have a different image and expectations in your mind before you went?
How long is it since you have seen them?
How long are you staying?

Could you just have a chat about things with them?

One thing I missed here is that you don't state they invited you. It sounds as if YOU have hols right now, but THEY don't.

How were the arrangements made? Did you check if this is a good time to come?

What a great opportunity for you to see your son and his family and see and experience this great country which is at the forefront of technology. I would go to Japan just to have a ride on the bullet-train.
Leaving facetiousness aside, you must start to enjoy your stay with your lovely grandchildren - language is no barrier to love.
But as someone else has said, it looks like your visit hasn't been planned very well. You should have visited during their holidays, so that you can all spend time together.
That being said, just make the best of your stay. Japan is a long way for you to visit often. Good luck !

'Could'

Is the cherry blossom still out in Japan? If so, can you arrange an organised trip for a couple of days to see the cherry blossom which is supposed to be spectacular?
You could take photos, then share them with the family.

Try to make the most of your trip, your son may be worried about how he can entertain you when they are all so busy, so perhaps you will have to make some of your own arrangements.

Thanks everyone. Sorry for the meltdown. I am feeling a bit more positive today. They did invite us and paid for the trip as it is easier than them travelling with three children. One of the problems is that I have to have British school holidays which doesn't coincide with their holidays. As DiL also works in a school this isn't easy. I think a lot of it may be down to cultural differences. My perception of married life being different to theirs. My DiL is lovely and perhaps she is just wanting to give us time with our son . I just worry that life is passing them by as they work so hard and that they are not happy. Anyway she has arranged a night away for us all at the weekend so hopefully we can all be together then. Thanks for listening and the advice. I will try and enjoy the rest of our time together.

Maybe you could do some nursery rhymes or 'finger rhymes' with the little ones. They might not understand the words but they would enjoy the rhythms and it would develop your relationship with them.

How sad thier dad did not speak English to them from the start. Our GC speak French and English and di so from when they were small . They can fit in perfectly in both countries. Perhaps your DS could start now to improve their English. DILs are difficult you just have to grin and bear it and if she does not want to spend time with you so be it . At least you do see them unlike so many other GPs.

I hope you are able to enjoy the rest of your stay. I agree with Floradora9 we have a mixed family and it is so much easier to learn a language from the start. I would encourage your son to speak English to them as much as possible. Could you have a bit of fun getting the GC to teach you words for things like cup, plate, TV etc and you could teach them the English word. Cultural differences can be difficult to handle, again our family has people from all over the UK and boy are there some cultural differences - we love it.

I agree with Flora what a missed opportunity by your son. They will learn English at school eventually and he could have given then the advantage my GC have. They are bilingual and were somewhere between 3 -4 when it dawned on them that their grandparents were too stupid to understand one of their languages. They have been endlessly patient with us!

I'm glad you are feeling better today, it is a long journey with a lot of emotions involved. I agree there are cultural differences, there are in different parts of the same country so even more in such a different culture.

I suggest you plan to visit some of Japan while you are there, it is one of the few countries which is totally different and there is so much to see. I could go on and on about the wonders of Japan!

It seems unusual that Dad hasn't spoken English? Not doing a cultural superiority thing, but it would be very useful in life.

daughter in law may be giving you time with your son

I would add OP, that you are perfectly entitled to feel dow, low, disappointed, worried and any other negative emotion. They don't magically disappear because you are abroad.

My Korean friend (brought up in NZ since she was 6) went o work in Japan and fell in love.
Although she spoke basic Japanese he spoke no Korean so they had a hand-held translator.

One speaks English (or indeed any language) into it, press a button and it speaks back to you in the language you want, in your case Japanese. Ask your son to invest in this for you and then you can communicate with your grand-children.
Watch this video to see how it's used:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeByuOD8k1c

Enjoy your holiday, your family sound lovely, even if very hard-working.

Hi Shirleyjmac
I sympathise with you, and totally know how you feel, as I am now a gran!
But as an ex-full-time teacher, I just want to say that teaching is a wholly consuming and exhausting job!! It sounds as if your DIL is very dedicated to her job, and when she comes home simply has no resources left. I know because I have been there, and seen fellow teachers in the same position. You'd love to be like other people but this job takes ALL your energy. Stay friends with her/them and show yourself caring (and understanding). It could build towards a really good relationship in future...which is what you want, and need. Said from the heart!!

See the positives. My grand daughter and I visited a japanese family two years ago and they were all children and adults completely programmed from morning till night when they fell into bed exhausted. It was August in Tokyo. To give us their girls bedroom they bought an air conditioner for us and the family all slept on rugs on the floor in the lounge. We were very grateful for their hospitality and fascinated by a culture that is so hard working. We were grateful for any time together. My grand child went shopping for groceries with the father on a bicycle. Quite and experience and we used the underground for trips. A marvellous experience. the last time I visited Japan was 50 years ago when I stayed with an Englishman who was on holiday as he taught English as a Foreign Language in a local school in Osaka. That was quite a different experience.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I am sad that you are finding your visit difficult. As you are only there a short time there are a few things you can consider to make the rest of your time with your family a little easier.

1) As others have said your DIL may be trying to give you time with your son.

2) She may be running from one end of an exhausted day to the next and doing the best she can. Working at a boarding school she may have "house duties" that keep her at work after the school day. So her going to bed could have lots of reasons, exhaustion being one of them.

3) Google "Culture Shock" your post reads as if you are suffering at least some of the effects. You do sounds as if you are feeling anxious and somewhat off your normal balance - you are allowed to feel these feelings. Be a little kinder to yourself and in turn this will help you relax. It really is worth a quick read around "Culture Shock".

4) As sad as it is that you and your DGC are struggling with the language you are there with them. Body language speaks volumes and children are the best at reading it as I'm sure you know so best face forward - to misquote the saying.

5) Examine the expectations you had about your time there.

Look hard at what ideas you put in your mind about How your visit Should be.

Look at What you Expected their family structure to be, structure of time, how they parent, what time would they normally have as a family on a working day if you weren't there etc.

Have a think about those things and then look again and see if in all their daily tasks they have tried to make some space for you.

I'm sure they have and so are you, you have given them some credit so you are finding your balance again.

However, not only is the country culture different but their family patterns sound very different to the patterns/structures you had when you were parenting your son.

It is the most natural thing in the world to go into a situation thinking it will be very similar to one we've experienced in the past only to find this situation is very, very different and that will throw us off balance.

6) However sad and not yourself you are feeling right now it is clear you are doing your best to make it work. Give yourself credit for your efforts at this tough time, be kind to yourself, that kindness gets passed round.

And "This Too Shall Pass". As you know only too well this time will pass very fast so you clearly want to make the most of it for you, your son and the DGC as well as making it as easy as possible for your DIL.

Good Luck and may you find joy in the rest of your visit.

As others say, your DIL must be exhausted working the hours she does, even although the Japanese work ethic is something she was brought up with.

Any changes probably have to be suggested gently by you through your son.

Japanese children are still expected to respect their elders and girls to consider themselves less important than boys. Your poor DIL probably is scared silly of offending you, you know.

I'm not sure you could have planned your visit better.
According to www.quora.com/How-much-vacation-time-is-normal-in-Japan-for-a-full-time-worker
137 days a year is normal holiday allowance. This includes national holidays, and I don't think employees have any say in when they get the rest of their holidags.

Another thought: could you buy a book with pictures of animals and 'read' it with them? You could tell them the animal name in English and they could tell you it in Japanese. They will probably love teaching you and laugh when you mispronounce. I think that could be a good bonding experience.

There might be ways you could play with whatever toys they have when language wouldn't be important.

The fact your dil has given you space in her home is a sign she's acknowledging your place in their lives. Honestly if you are a person who needs a lot of downtime and early nights, guests are quite a strain, so she's probably doing as well as her own stamina can cope with. Maybe it would be helpful if you another time you could find a nearby hotel or self-catering apartment so you could not be there some of the time, give her a chance to unwind some evenings. Not criticising you at all, just pointing out that she might have different energy levels and personal space needs from other people you know.

Different cultures so make the most of your son and grandchildren while you are there as you will not change your DIl. She is who she wants to be and it is no reflection on you as you are who you are so why change for her .
Be assured as your GC become adults they will want to know you and their father's cultures and learn his mother tongue so keep in touch once you are back on familiar ground as I am sure your son will not let them forget you.