Lonely

I feel your pain Bambam. I have been alone for 8 years now and like you I am fine when out socialising but no matter how much you enjoy yourself you always come home to an empty house, no-one to talk to or share things with. I have several friends who I see on a regular basis but that doesn't stop me feeling lonely. I too have found that joining classes or clubs doesn't help much as, like you say, "people just float off after class". I really don't know what the answer is - just wanted you to know you are not the only one who feels like this.

I too am very lonely, unable to leave my bungalow I can’t join any activities, my husband died 43 yesrs sgo, my younger daughter lives 220 miles away so I only see her twice a year , my elder daughter died just over a year ago, my three grandchildren moved away last summer , I live a very isolated life.

I am blessed with friends I have on this forum

I know exactly what you mean Bambam. I too get those pangs of loneliness.

I have lived alone for a similar length of time after DH died. My closest childhood friend died five years ago. We were like sisters. She and I used to talk for hours on the phone too. I am in a similar boat except that I have no family.

In these circumstances, friends and social life become extra important. I understand what you mean about friends having other calls on their time and people floating off after clubs and classes but have you thought about this? There may be someone in one of those classes feeling the same. We don't need a large circle of friends - just one or two good ones. Maybe ask just one person if they have time for coffee after class or a later time. Or maybe consider getting involved in something where you have to be the proactive one getting people together.

Like you, I don't want another partner. I like the freedom being single gives me but equally, unless someone has lived alone, it's hard to explain the sheer effort involved in having to keep engaged with the world and sometimes longing to have just one person to have a good chat too.

Anniebach, I remember reading a recent post in which you said that you were weighing up the pros and cons of moving location to be nearer your daughter - have you decided yet ?

Anniebach I’m sure someone on here must live close to you and could see you now and again. Sending a hug x

Bambam, have you thought about volunteering?

I am not lonely as I have a lovely husband and large family but I meet lots of people through my volunteering and regularly met up with a few of them.

Bambam - I am sorry that these pangs afflict you sometimes; I hope you can find a way of easing this.

It is possible to feel very lonely even with someone else in he house!

Bambam I totally understand your feeling I ve been alone for about 22 years I don’t know that I could live with anyone now as you get so used to being alone I have kids two live overseas, one nearby we get on fine, grandkids are all in their teens and not needing me much I have friends and three close friends and do voluntary work I m not a sad person in any way (quite the opposite really) and keep fairly busy BUT there are lots of hours alone and a lot of time when I wish there was someone to gee me up and say ‘shall we do .....’ A lot of time when I talk to myself or use the radio or tv as my main companion
I think a lot of us are in the same boat we aren’t depressed we aren’t unhappy we are just a bit lonely ?

No, it isn't nice being on your own. It's hit me more this last 12 months even though I've been widowed since 1994 but I lost 3 lifetime friends and a cousin last year.
Prior to these sad passings, I could phone my dear friend, or meet her any time and we'd always have a catch-up and a good laugh about our past holidays.
Cousin I used to see/meet in Liverpool and although he was attending the eye hospital, it was a regular day out which I'd done for over 12 years.

I do have a lovely circle of friends from work but they have their own lives and families etc, but we do occasionally meet up and it's lovely.
My own family are either busy working or seeing to their families.

Like someone mentioned, nobody will ever take over from a lifelong friend and everything that you shared together. I think it's the first time that I've ever sensed loneliness in the sense of the word. I think too that when your health isn't as it was it becomes more noticeable and when you were used to being up and out to meet your friend you don't even have a purpose to do the same when it only involves shopping and nothing else.

To lose a friend is about the worse feeling anyone will have. We knew each other through and through after 48 years of friendship and holidays.

Thanks for replying and empathising with me.
I'm sorry that you all have the same feelings, I sometimes feel frozen to the spot with it and can't get myself to do anything at all.
I've read about your Daughter and family Annie and I know that you are trying hard to get some treatment, so hopefully things will become brighter in the future for you.
Oldwoman, I'm glad that you have your circle of friends, having things to look forward to helps.
And Fountainpen, yes, I know I should make the effort at the classes I go to but a lot of them have been going for years and are in their groups. Of course, very friendly.
There was one chap who I've seen at another class which didn't work out for me. He did ask me in a chatty way, what I was doing after class a few weeks ago and I just said, some shopping then home for lunch.
I can tell that he is lonely, he's very sweet and nervy and on edge and I'm positive that he's not chatting me up but I've probably interacted more with him than anyone else, probably as he's new, like me.
I mentioned it to my daughter and she said, just ask him if he fancies a coffee after class, there's no harm.
I think that why I hang back from getting friendly with someone is because I'm worried that, they won't be my cup of tea and I'll feel bad about it.
I'll have to be brave and try!
My main loss though is my best friend and we were like sisters also Fountain, friends for over 40 years and never a cross word, I was lucky to have her and should feel grateful for that and you are right, it's the longing for just one person to have a good chat with that is the main problem.

You've hit the nail on the head BlueBell: we aren't depressed, we aren't unhappy, we are just a bit lonely.
And Ellan, I feel for your loss of your friends.

If you are physically able, I would definitely recommend volunteering.
A couple of widows in their late 60s moved to be nearer their families, and both I have met through volunteering. It's usually over the washing up or some important but menial job when we chat and put the world to rights and we've become good friends.
There will be a local or national database for volunteering. The Scottish one is:
www.volunteerscotland.net
Saga have some suggestions on their website too.
I know what you mean about people rushing away after classes.
Have you considered a book club?

I’m not lonely as I do have friends and family around but I am alone a lot of the time. My DH only died a few months ago and everyone has been great inviting me to meals, coffee etc but I do very much feel alone with no one who wants to just sit and chat or pop to the shops with me.
I’m thinking I might get used to it but by all of your lovely posts it seems that may not happen, I suppose it’s loss of a companion really but as I fully intend on remaining single I’ll just have to get used to it. Just have to be content with what I have and popping in to GN daily ?

to all who are feeling lonely(i do sometimes)

I'll look into volunteering Grammar and BlueBell and maybe a Book Club as well, I know that I really need to make the effort.
Thank you to everyone, I feel a bit better already.

Bambam before I had a problem which is keeping me in the house , I lived alone from the time my daughters married over 20 years ago. I enjoyed diffierent activities.

Volenteer at drop in centre for people with mental health problems. Several Church groups from flower arranging to bible study . Local political party. Poetry group. Reading the weekly local paper to someone with very low vision. Fund raising for charities . Local history group.

There realy is lots to do, look in your local library , they may like our library have an area where requests for help are posted , you may find something which will be of interest to you. Good luck

I am not moving to Lincolnshire , I am having EMDR therapy and hope I can get out again , I can then meet people and be of some use to others x

I could have written your post Bambam. I've lived on my own now for 20 years and am fine with not having a partner. I love my freedom, enjoy my life and am busy, motivated and with a lot of interests. But there are many hours in a day and I miss a good conversation and laughing with someone who knows me well.

My family are busy, grandchildren growing up fast, and a friend I used to see at the weekends has decided recently to spread her wings and do different things with new well off friends...it's been very hurtful. Only 2 friends left now [others moving away, getting remarried, dying, controlling partner] and can't put on them too often so only see them every couple of months or so.

I don't know what the answer is. I've found people in courses, groups, church, U3A etc. have enough friends and family around them and don't wish to form new friendships.

I've spent today walking and saying Hi to a couple of people along the way, talked to one lady for about 20 minutes as we were resting on a bench overlooking the sea...and it helps. Otherwise I enjoy gardening, walking, reading, tv, swimming and the cinema.

I bet I only talk to one person a week really, apart from shop assistants. But I'm open and friendly and often chat to people along the way [they usually start talking me first]. I'm used to it but have the moments of regret that life isn't as full of people as it used to be. I see my sons and grandchildren every 3-4 weeks or so and count myself lucky.

I'm thinking of putting a personal ad in the local paper, yes old fashioned I know...but it worked a couple of times in the past so worth a shot. I will have to word it so it doesn't appeal to the wrong type of person! And meet in a public place of course....

I hope your ad works well bluebird, there must be other women around who might like someone to go for a coffee with or to the cinema.
I should have gone for a walk in the sunshine today, it would have done me good but anyway, I've made myself a nice lunch and then a Sunday dinner, so I couldn't go out and leave the Roast in the oven.
Have you heard of Meetup? It's groups of single people who meet up and each group has different interests. I'm lucky as there are quite a few near me, some are Pub Quiz Nights, some are walking groups, usually not very long walks. There's one that meets at a local cinema every Tuesday and you can just click to say you'll be there and turn up.
Each club charges a yearly membership of a few pounds and I have joined three but I've only actually gone to one thing, which was a Sunday Lunch. It was great and the people were very friendly. All the time these Meetups pop up in my messenger and I think it looks like something I would be interested in but I never go.
I really need to start being more proactive. I'll try to book on the next quiz and try not to cancel at the last minute, which is what I've been doing.

I went to a couple of meetup groups, but at the risk of sounding a total bore; they really weren't my thing.
I don't want to go on a soul night out, or on trips around London winebars.
I want a mate to knock about with. To watch films, to talk about any and everything and to look after eachother (equally, of course!)

I think ironically, you have to be fairly resilient to do the Meetup thing.

Volunteering isn't all about shuffling a few books about and having a nice cup of tea anymore. It can be damn hard work and people have all sorts of motives and needs.

I've fleetingly thought of starting one, for women who want to do nothing in particular with likeminded other women.

I agree MissAdventure about wanting a mate to knock about with. To watch films, to talk about any and everything and to look after each other. but where do you find someone like that, unless you join different things?
A few of the posters on here, like myself, have lost their best friends as they've passed away and other friends because they've moved away.
People are trying to suggest different things to do, to combat loneliness.
Certain Meetup groups may not be for everyone but there are so many that some of them might appeal.

No, meet ups didn’t work for me either, I’d did try to join in but I got fed up with most things revolving around drinking or meals out. And it always seems harder to chat and get to know people if you’re in a biggish group or sitting around a big table.