Lonely

Yes, you're right, BamBam.
I had a nice enough time at the initial couple of lunches.
Just not for me though.
I would certainly join a group again, if one appealed.

Meetup seems overly complex to me and the tone of some of them is quite forbidding. I understand people don't want to organise things and nobody turns up but there seem to be rather a lot of rules and regulations.

I joined a local walking group but I was inundated with emails and complexities, so it wasn't for me.

Do you have a WI near you, Bambam? In addition to monthly meetings lots have other groups, book groups, theatre trips, craft etc. So there are opportunities to meet and make friends. I hope things improve for you soon.

I've just remembered emails informing meetup members that failure to attend two meetups without prior notice would result in being removed from the group, and so on..

Oh I'm sorry.
I'll shut up now..
Being negative, I know.

There's a WI in another village a couple of miles away and one a bit further away which appears very friendly.
It's definitely something to consider rubysong.

Oh all you dear ladies I really do feel for you. I have a friend who lives on her own, albeit she is active, joins groups galore and has many friends. It struck a chord when she said to me one time ‘I wish I had someone to do nothing with’. I understand what she meant. And she said she missed having someone in the house where you could do something spontaneous. As she said everything is arranged now, in her diary.

Anyway ?? to you all. Loneliness and life’s slings and arrows must be hard to bear at times.

I don't know about you Bambam but it's the one-to-one conversation I miss. I'm involved with lots of group things but it's meeting up with a friend who has time to talk one-to-one that I enjoy the most.

I would accept that invitation you described upthread. If you feel you and he don't have that much in common after all then you don't have to feel obliged to meet again.
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Re Meet Up. It's not a free service. Group organisers have to pay a fee according to the size of the group and will divide that cost between participating members. That's why they delete non-participating members fairly quickly as they can raise the cost of having the group hosted by Meet Up, costs which have to be met by those who do participate. That's my undertanding of how it works.

Ah yes, that makes sense.
I knew it wasn't free to start a group because I once thought I might like start one.

Luckily a lie down on the settee with a cold flannel on my head put paid to that idea..

There aren’t any meet ups in my area and without a car it’s hard to get to the U3a, not impossible, but hard. but like others have said it’s not that that’s missing , it’s the hours in between the organised activity
Urmstrongs friend hit the nail on the head ‘someone to do nothing with’ and in my case also someone to spur me into action otherwise all the action goes on in my head, I plan no end of things but I never do them they never get beyond my head
I hope the Male companion works out Bambam I ve never ever found a man who wants friendship only The last time I embarked on a Male friendship I had talked to him for ages, a couple of years on and off (on a local website) I made it plain from the outset I was not looking for a boyfriend and he fully agreed he didn’t want a relationship either, so when he suggested a pub quiz I felt confident just what the doctor ordered, an evening with a friend in different surroundings. He was a nice chap and we got on quite well over a couple of drinks and had a pleasan evening Within an hour of me getting home I was bombarded with text messages telling me what a wonderful evening he’d had what beautiful eyes I d got, how my smile was perfect, how he couldn’t wait to see me again, 8 am the next morning I got more messages it was the best night ever when could we repeat it ... so that was that I don’t think I would even go for a drink now with a man unless he was gay

Anyway that’s not it is it it’s the long bits inbetween
We need an inbeteen club ?

Making friends was such an easy and natural thing to do when we were younger wasn’t it? Especially with colleagues when working.
I felt lonely when I moved away from friends to be nearer family and tried various options but in the end found them all too ‘artificial’ or (I know this sounds horrible) full of very needy people.
In the end I found like-minded people with shared interests.
So if you have a hobby or an interest then look for clubs or groups near you...or start one yourself.
I run a small, but friendly, Writers’ Circle from my home and we meet most Fridays for a couple of hours. But it could be anything you like and enjoy.

Hi just poking my nose in here but have any of you tried contacting Silver Line. It was set up by Esther Rantzen for people who wanted someone to do nothing with.

I can empathise with most of what is said on here. I think loneliness is something that affects most of us as we get older, although I never admit it to my children. I try to assure them that I am leading a very busy life and they have no need to worry about me. When they do find time to visit, they have no idea how it makes my day. I would love to have a holiday, but don't want to go on my own. I'd love to get a dog, but it's not a sensible option when you are on your own. There's no-one to take over, even for a few hours, so life would be even more restricted. I adore my cat but she's either out or asleep - no company at all!
There must be so many of us feeling the same way.

There must be so many of us feeling the same way
That is so true and it might help to give us a different perspective, realising that this is not unusual, in fact possibly the norm as we get older.
Ignore the likes of Facebook where everybody seems to be on cruises/ holidays/ exotic trips/jolly family parties/pub nights with friends. That is not normality for the vast majority.
Nobody posts a picture of a meal consisting of egg on toast and admits they haven’t spoken to a living soul all week.
Likewise I never admit to the DDs that I feel lonely, as “needy” is the last thing I want to appear and I often steel myself to do something, go somewhere on my own for fear of sinking into “me, the dog and the telly”
When Paw was alive, our freedom (my freedom) to go to places was severely curtailed and I used to “dream” of being able to do things on impulse. But when you are on your own it is simply harder.
I don’t like to ask around for a friend to go to the cinema with, for fear of rejection.
I can’t just pop into a pub for fish and chips - one of our Friday “treats” and find it difficult to galvanise myself into action.
Hey ho. I am the only person who can change that and even if I become that mad old biddy who talks to complete strangers I have to risk that and get out or I will become a recluse.

It is important to distinguish between “alone” and “lonely” and if we can develop strategies for dealing with the former, we may not need to fear the latter.

Willow that’s it exactly I was looking at holidays yesterday just an unremarkable week in some sun then thought but why would I spend all that money and all the travel hassle just to sit on my own and eat on my own and before someone says there’s lots of holidays for groups etc I know Im my own worst enemy but I can’t join an unknown group as much as I d like to
No one but me can sort this but it s very hard when you are your own stumbling block
I too Willow never admit to anyone that the true me is a very very far distance from what my friends (yes I ve got plenty and we have fun when I see them) family and acquaintances see

“and in my case also someone to spur me into action otherwise all the action goes on in my head, I plan no end of things but I never do them they never get beyond my head “
I could have written this BlueBelle. I also would like to go on holiday, but all that planning and arranging on my own petrifies me. Last time I went away it was at the beginning of the hot spell and all my potted plants died. I must investigate a drip system.

Maw everything you've written in your post at 08.37 resonates with me. Couldn't have put it better myself.

I think a lot of us are frightened to appear "needy" to our families but, really, why not?? Maybe it's time to have a gentle word with your family and explain that you need to see them more; that you need them to remember you and to make more of an effort to include you? It's not being needy, it's being Honest, and asking for their help. If they were lonely, wouldn't you want them to ask you for help? It's time that they started to look after you, rather than the other way around (it's the natural course of life).

I know what you mean, Urmston you're so right. We widows miss having 'someone to do nothing with'. I don't want another partner. I try to keep busy with my hobbies - reading, sewing, etc, just general pottering really. I try to keep interested in things.
I put a brave face on it but most weekends the only person I speak to is a shop assistant. I'm not one for clubs. However, when my brother and his wife get back from their holiday we'll resume going to quiz nights at the local pub. I'll enjoy half a pint of beer.
Also the responsibility of having everything on my shoulders can weigh a bit heavy sometimes. I'm all right when things are going swimmingly but a setback can feel like the end of the world sometimes and I despair - it's like 'one more thing.' Most of the time I muddle along.

Re joining things - I'm not able to go out much (due to a chronic illness) but I've seen a friend of mine (who lives alone) try a number of different things and she has persisted - gone week after week, even when anyone hardly even says "hello" to her and now, 2 years later, she is well known there and is now getting invitations to go to the cinema, to meet for lunch, etc. She tells me that she has made one good friend (who is also a widow) and a few other friends who may become closer with time. (Her choices were: a choir, aquafit at a local gym, and a local gardening group). Pick groups that reflect things you are really interested in and KEEP GOING - don't give up too quickly (don't forget, members are used to people turning up once or twice and then never again, so they won't start to "invest" in you until they see you are persistent). Also consider your local church and doing some voluntary work.

It's not just widows who feel this. I feel the loss of my children, the recent loss of elderly parents and friends who basically are constantly " busy" whatever the means.

Have you thought about joining the U3A? Some of their groups are friendlier than others but I do know several lonely people who have made new friends through them

Hi I was , am in a similar situation I went to a meet up group for over 50s and their opening gambit was we are not a singles , dating group which reassured me
Went to the first Sunday lunch thing , can’t do evening ones
Spoke to a nice couple ladies and said my aim was to meet up with others away from group for coffee lunch matter type thing
Now meet up with two of them for lunch , coffee and tonight Zumba , !
Have explained that willmean shaving legs as tracksuit bottoms ate 3/4 type and as that Normally doesn’t happen until March they may need to supply a chainsaw
Have a lovely day ladies , we all have friends on here sometimes takes a bit of courage to walk in and say hi

Grammaretto is right to suggest volunteering. I have seen first hand how new friendships develop quite quickly between volunteers. I would suggest finding a volunteering job somewhere where several people are volunteering together. In my area that might be helping out with a lunch club or food bank, working at a library, CAB or even the volunteer centre itself. Somewhere where you will meet new people in a similar position. I think from this you can find new friends "to do nothing with". I have seen this happen time and time again and would do it myself if I felt as you do.
I hope you can give it a go. Speak to a volunteer centre about what you want out of it (honestly) and what you're prepared to put in.
Good luck!

No one is really a perfect fit. When the nervy man asked why not go for a coffee? I was widowed in 1992, yes you do have moments of loneliness, having a couple of smallish dogs helps. I have had love affairs too am reluctant to totally give up my home time just being on my own can be a soothing pleasure. To make friendships you have to risk being rebuffed, what is wrong with asking others round for a cup of tea, make a cake, it is about sharing. Do you like the cinema put an advert in the paper for any others that might like to venture out as a group, etc etc.