Cant see the wood for the trees

Is there anything in your distant past that you remember enjoying or having a talent for? I spent a long time caring for my husband and couldn't actually think of anything else to do after he died. I started writing short stories and even sold a few. But that wasn't the point. I really enjoyed doing it. Another friend went back to an instrument she played when she was young and another one has just spent a month cooking as if she was in WW2. Sounds weird but it gave her a lot of fun.
Learn a language maybe and plan a little trip to test it out?
I do know how hard it is to find the person you used to be when it's buried under layers of what life has thrown at us

DTE is there any chance of finding part-time paid employment?

Hi Downtoearth. As I read your post, I thought that sadly this is not untypical for many of us through different stages of our lives. It is often the bit where children reach their independence - especially poignant for you as you have had to centre so much of your life and give up your own support systems because of the needs of your DGD. And I 'hear you' doing the weighing and sifting - you seem to have a very good idea of what the problem is and also why it is tricky to solve.

Have you ever thought of doing an online counselling qualification - e.g. diploma and volunteering for some sort of advocacy support? I am thinking through something along these lines for myself - it is often people who have had to take on the systems and work with grief that have a great deal to give to others. Just a thought. I have a relative who is trained in counselling and she does her support work by telephone.

I found myself having to re-evaluate and make life changes earlier this year and a.n.other big difference for me has been more reading, but it seems to me you do need the people contact.

Take care,
xx

Thanks Eglantine I have always been a problem solver and a helper and supporter of others and neglected myself...I started a new life at 50 with partner and within a few weeks E was living with us ,I had jyst got my own children off hand and hand to start again alinf with an elderly frail mum so have got to the age of 64 having always been a 'doer' without investing time in my own needs and interests now opportunities are scarce and options limited....I realise I miss the old busy bustling in and out with too much to do me...anywhere accessible takes an age to get there....and have just realised my stamina is none existant as all household chores are mine .... how pathetic I sound although I do feel better getting it off my chest

It's hard when you've always been the giver. No matter how awful things are at least you don't have to worry about what you are for. You have a direction in life even if it isn't by choice.
Do you still want to help others? Imperfect seems to have found something for herself. I know I felt I had just run out of that kind of energy. I didn't want to be responsible for anyone else, anymore.

I feel the same as you Eglantine..I just seem to have run out of steam.of being the care giver and want something for me that absorbs me and apart from normal aches and pains and a few problems with my feet I am able to get out and about...domestic duties hold little interest...cooking even less its almost like a bird in the cage that has been held captive and then the door opens ..but it dosent know any different....

Hi Imperfect my voluntary roles where all as advocates, or sign posting information and advice benefit up take etc have also volunteered as support for families ..these have all been charities but with all cut backs these roles seem to have dissapeared in our area, in the past have also done lots of workshops and short courses along side particularly with Domestic violence too....the opportunities where we live are very limited..and transport issues dont help...I do feel that I need something to focus on that is going to use the grey matter...Riverwalk I am looking to find some P/T work but jobs are hard to come by here....small market town in Norfolk...I did re train in dispensing which was one of my past jobs and gained an NVQ11 in that and also retail...I am so used to being stretched that this situation is driving me mad also need to exercise the body as comfort eating seems to be default setting

You don't sound pathetic at all downtoearth! A lot of people on here will certainly identify with what you're saying. And it's hard to remember who you once were and what interested and inspired you. When I left work I think I sat around for a year or two feeling like life had little meaning and feeling that I was a bit pointless. Now I have joined a Red Hatters group which offers lots of social activities which you can pick and choose from. I've got an allotment, which I get so much pleasure from, never been into gardening before but absolutely love this, and have joined a couple of other groups too. If there's a film on and no one I know wants to go I go on my own. It feels really important to take steps to re-engage with the world, not always easy, but we deserve to enjoy our retirement after working hard all our lives. Best of luck and well done with GD!

I moved to a rural location to be near AS and family first port of call was local community centre lots of classes available Zumba Pilates craft groups most let you go for one session to decide what interest you. Once that is established you will find most groups are friendly and welcoming lifts are readily offered if you want to join others e.g. U3A etc. The first step is often the most daunting good luck I finding some interest to enrich your time

The very fact that you've come on here and feel able to air your dilemmas is indeed a starting point and decidedly courageous in my opinion. Bravo! I can't think of anywhere you will get the all encompassing advice and experience more than GN. Sublime to ridiculous is covered here and I'm seriously impressed.

Where I live we are so short of volunteers for community events - gala week, Highland games, brownies etc. It is good fun getting involved, but the younger ones with all the energy are busy with families. Try going to some local events and you will be made very welcome.

Forgive me if this is inappropriate. I devoted a year to me. It was easier for me because there was only me at home. I lost weight, got a new hairstyle, bought some very different clothes (not expensive just very different), did my nails every week, had my eyebrows shaped, definitely saw to my horny feet, in general just rediscovered the (fairly) attractive person I used to be. It took up the whole year trying out new things. I felt so much better and more confident.
Maybe your GD would like to help (or might roll her eyes-as they do!) and your love life might take a turn for the better.
I'm not making fun or treating your problem lightly, believe me. Your analogy of the bird in the cage is perfect, that's just how it is. I'm trying to tempt you out.?

Have you thought of an allotment, that way you get out of the house at times to suit yourself and free food (sort of) and company and fresh air...........or a bit of agency work, so you could work as and when it suited you, even the most rural places need care people, so transport need not be such a big issue.

I feel the same as you, exhausted by life and voluneering and stuck indoors too much and over eating......have just rediscovered my garden and do manage to be out there even if just for a short time every day. I have terrible mobility problems and such weird phobias now........too much time thinking has done that. there are times even in the dead of frozen winter when I have to sleep in the car for solace..........not sure how that helps me but it does.

Have you written down what has happened to you, that can be cathartic and is a lovely thing to leave for your GC for whom you made such huge sacrifces.

I salute you for all that you have done.

what about trying something like dog walking - you'd get paid a bit and it would help you to get fitter as it would make you go out more. Often people like to have somebody older who is perceived as more trustworthy. Also people talk to somebody with a dog much more than if they're on their own. A friend of mine took it up and was overwhelmed with work once she got going. Good luck and be kind to yourself!

Hi Downtoearth, sounds like you've done a fantastic job caring and being the mainstay for others till recently. As Eglantine says, I suggest you give yourself some 'me' time now.

Thanks for all your lively replies ...we did have a dog but behavioural problems meant she had to go back to the trust where we got her and partner has put his foot down no more pets...she followed after losing our lovely black lab..I think the problem is that there are few facilities left this area and not having a car dosent help..I do keep myself in check with clothes and beautifying myself etc...I think its just hit me as well that OMG I am 64.5 when did that happen feel that now E is 18 was always defined by either my job title or K&M's mum E's nan ...those status dont fit anymore....all of a sudden those retirement...although retired at 62 ...issues.have come to the fore demanding to be dealt with...and maybe empty nest syndrome as well ..I think the way to go will be voluntary work of some description and as Imperfect suggested some sort of on line course along that line alongside ....maybe hospital visiting I had been thinking along these lines and losing sense of purpose and direction...thankyou for all the kind words

Have a look at what Future Learn offers. I think with all your life experience you would be welcome as a mentor to a young person. Don't lose heart and as Eglantine suggests devote time to yourself.

My personal experience - go to the local golf course and ask about lessons. The ladies will soon absorb you into so many social activities you will have no time to think! Also, your local Care Home will welcome you with open arms to talk to the residents, help them to reminisce, play games , crafts etc. I realise that without a sense of purpose in retirement I would struggle getting out of bed. Good luck

If you like to talk to people maybe you could try becoming a telephone befriender. There are at least two organisations that I know of who have volunteers who do this. They phone people who are housebound or /and lonely for a regular chat say once per week. Maybe you need someone to ring you?

Hi downtoearth I know exactly where you're coming from! I have spent all of my life either looking after or pandering to others and now I am alone wondering where my life has gone and why there is barely anyone left around me apart from when they want something! My kids are all successful but lead their own lives, I have 1 or 2 friends but they are busy working. I am working but my contract finishes soon and I'm unsure which direction to go in! I can't give you a magic answer but wanted you to know you're not alone! If you would like a penpal to chat to message me using the personal message button!

I was also going to suggest dog walking. The Cinnamon Trust welcome volunteers to walk dogs for people who can't get out and about for various reasons, and if you live near countryside it is good for body and mind to get out in the fresh air. You can commit to once a week, or more, as you like.

If you like using your computer, I find entering competitions is enjoyable, with the bonus of sometimes winning a nice prize. The site I use most is www.theprizefinder.com/ but there are often competitions on facebook and other sites such as sixtyplusurfers.co.uk. I also complete surveys which are paid for in a variety of ways, my preferred one being Amazon vouchers. Jigsaw puzzles are also fun if you are that way inclined and the time passes before you know it. Of course these are all sedentary suggestions and may not suit you.

downtoearth ?
Sorry that you are having a hard time.
Be kind to yourself......read books, watch tv, have your hair done, play games online like puzzles.Meet a friend for coffee.Are you near enough for a GN meet up?

I am so sorry to hear you feel like this, however you have made the first brave move to share, reach out and connect with us here.

It must be difficult when you feel 'lost'. Have you tried picking up some lifestyle magazines? I have found them full of interesting subjects which might strike a chord with you and help you to find something of interest.

Here's some suggestions: Breathe, Mollie Makes, Gardeners' World, Garden Answers, Coast, & Country Living.

It may also help you to practice mindfulness throughout each day, and this can be done any time any where. Become aware of what's around you, the sensations in your body (like the feel of rain on your face, the rush of the wind). Take a look around and appreciate the details around you - a view, the sky, trees etc.

Have you tried walking? Clears thoughts or maybe introduces new ones. Take time to reconnect with yourself.

I hope this helps to get you started, and I send you a great big hug xx