Stepson wants more from late father

I am so sorry to read of your loss. You must be devastated, I think your reply is all you should do at this time. This is not the time to make commitments for the future, you are in shock and need time to heal. Do not feel you have to say anything more, explanations can be questioned and argued about so, just leave it at what you have already said.

Your stepson has been insensitive and rude, and asked a question that most people would never think to ask. What you decide to do in making future provision does not have to be shared with anyone.

Are you the reason that your DH first marriage was so short, I do hope not because a will can always be contested in court unless that first son was later adopted.

Still I'm so sorry for you loss.

if he feels he was sidelined for your children throughout his fathers life then he may feel he deserves something more ..as they had a full time dad and he didn't.I always try to view things from the other perspective so do that once you feel able,and surely giving him a bit more wont be a bad thing,his siblings must see that he should be included too.

I agree with paddyann. it often happens that children from a first marriage lose out when a parent dies. I have a number of friends who this has happened to and it can cause some upset in the family.
This happens because the bulk of the estate is passed on to the second spouse who then often leaves it to their own family and children from a first marriage often feel left out.
We dont know your personal situation or relationship with stepson. I suppose i am saying try to be fair. He has lost his dad for a second time.
I am sorry for your loss. Give yourself time, its early days with a lot for you to deal with.

No. We met & married 4 years after DH divorce

When DH and I married with both had adult children and he had a son who lived with us for a number of years. When we did our wills we have left all our estate to be divided equally between the children when the second of us dies.

When we married our assets were roughly equal and we have operated as a couple - one entity - since being married regardless of who has the greater income and we never mention that. This arrangement with the will does in fact mean that my children lose out slightly as he has one more than me in the equation - but everyone is aware of the situation and we think this is the best way to proceed. As the solicitor said this arrangement does need trust between you that the surviving spouse honours the agreement.

We had two children together. My husband was a solicitor and was well aware of his intentions when he wrote his will 15 years ago.
If he wanted, he could have made extra provision for his son from his first marriage. That was obviously not his intention. He gave him lots of time and helped him for months over recent work relaged legal problems . Stepson also spent months in our holiday home writing -his profession- when we and our kids stayed for the odd week when he wasn't there.

The bequests given to his 3 children (two by me) even took into account money he'd given his first son when he bought a flat 15 years ago. I/we have yet to give our 2 children any funds to buy a property

I don't feel guilty inheriting what I have, because that is what my DH wanted!

I need to be able to look after myself and not rely financially on my children. After I've given the 3 children the bequests, totalling £210,000, there won't be that much more spare cash to live on comfortably.

It really doesn't matter who married who when or why unless he was a dependant and then it is his father's will not yours that would matter. Nor do you have to make any other reply to the one that you did.

If you have carried out the bequests your OH made you have done all he asked to be done. Whatever the step-sons reasons for asking what would happen - to be honest, on your death - he was crass and unfeeling and has no right to know. No one does. Your will is between you and your solicitor.

The first marriage may have been short but the son of that marriage was for life .

Well, it sounds as though the son is getting quite a hefty bequeathement anyway, Annie - and being sentimental about the situation doesn't excuse his rudeness in questioning the OP about her intentions in the future.

This man is 40 years old, for goodness sake. He's acting like a bully!

First, condolences for your loss. You have or will carry out your late husband's wishes. Your DH being a solicitor would have been well aware of the possibility of making provision for his son after your own passing if he had wished but chose not to.

Unfortunately when someone dies some people see only an opportunity for gain. When my late husband died one of his brothers contacted me to say I should make some provision for him from the estate because my DH had helped him out from time to time with loans (which were never repaid). His other brothers took him to task over this and after speaking to a solicitor friend I wrote to him and told him I would be seeking repayment of the loans my DH had made to him over the years. He never mentioned it again.

Good for you Sunseeker!

In my head I feel like deducting the actual rental cost and bills of all the months dad stayed at our holiday home. He wasn't the same after i asked him to return the key to me as i needed to rent it out during the summer season to help pay outgoings. He dropped the key off at my son's gym.

Not forgetting dss football season ticket DH contributed to over the years...he never rarely took our ds.

I was very upset yesterday, now I'm getting angry for him treating me like this at this time.

Opps for dad read dss

eh it was his DADS holiday home too ,so why would you want rent off him.honestly I see you must still be griefstricken but as someone else said this man has lost his father for a second time. Maybe you'd be best to say nothing or you'll stir up a lot of bad feeling ...however he was treated and regardless of his age he is STILL your husbands son and as such he needs to grieve too .As to the football ticket ,his DAD gave him it and surely it was up to him who he took unless there were conditions made when it was given .

paddyann - his father was a solicitor and as such would be aware it is possible to make provision for children after the death of the surviving partner IF THAT WAS HIS WISH. He chose not to. From what the OP has written he was helped more than the other children. How is asking what he is going to receive in the OPs Will helping him to grieve? We do not know that he has lost his father "a second time". It sounds as if he had plenty of contact with his father. Yes he is still his father's son but to approach someone, anyone, and ask what provision they will make for you in their Will is crass.

Trueblue condolences to you on the recent loss of your husband.

He assumes-rightly-I will leave everything to my own 2 children & grandchildren.

Why would you do this? Whatever you and your husband accrued over the years was as a result of a joint effort.

Your stepson was obviously insensitive in his enquiries but I can see his point of view. It was also noticeably insensitive of you to refer to a short-lived marriage - the length of the marriage has nothing to do with the son's fare share.

My best friend was widowed a couple of years ago and has an adult stepson - her will is leaving equal shares to stepson and her two birth children.

MY condolences on your loss , its obviously very new and raw.

I'm speaking as someone who has a step brother and sister , although I would never refer to them as such and I would think if you asked they would not consider themselves as such.

We are family.

Their Dad was not my Dad but when he married my Mum he took on my sister and I , going on to have 2 more children. When my Mum passed away we all benefited equally down to the last 1p.

Over the years my Mum 'treated' my brother more than any of us girls - we knew he was her favourite and he benefitted greatly through her life ( luckily my brother is one of the nicest people I know - we all love him endlessly).

But at the end of the day - my brother was the one who was her executor and he made sure everything was clear and transparent and everyone got their share - BECAUSE we're family . Step has nothing to do with it.

I think you should reconsider - he may not be your birth child but he is one of your children through your blended family . To cut him out would be cruel in my opinion.

Nanaandgrampy, but you were living in the family as one unit. My dss lived with his mum and stepfather.

My DH contributed to dss school fees because his mum was educated privately-our daughter went to state primary.

I don't begrudge what DH did but we both lost our fathers quite early in life. Both fathers never left us anything, it quite rightly went to our mothers. His mother ran out of money and DH helped her financially, even though he was paying maintenance and contributing to our household when I had babies. Everything we had we made without the help of our fathers and never asked our mother's to help us.

That is why I'm so upset at dss attitude. My own birth children have not mentioned anything about money. In fact my SIL asked if he could help cover expenses as the funeral came to £16,000 + as DH wasn't covered

Our children should never expect anything monetary, especially to deal with their grief. You need to separate money from emotions.

I would expect my children and dss to be able to stand on their own feet and perhaps help to look after me one day. Thank goodness DH left me provided for!

Did some of you not read the part of the OP's post which said her DH had left bequests to all three of his children, which amounted in total to £210,000?

However that sum is split, it certainly seems as though the stepson is already going to inherit tens of thousands of pounds - it's not as though he's been cut out and left penniless!

Sorry to ask - but is this a wind up? £16,000 for a funeral? Really?

Peep - my own DH's funeral was over £9,000, add to that the cost of the plot and the headstone and dying is an expensive business. Of course it can be done cheaper but if someone has the money and wants to spend it then it can cost a lot more.

Tell him to get lost. If your husband had wanted to leave him more then he would have put it in his will.

Yes. Not including the stone. I think London Jewish funerals are extortionate but they look after the gravestones & grounds very well

You have lost a husband, but your step son has lost his father. You have already decided that your step son won't get anything from your estate and your step son wants to know if there is anything for him. Can you not see there are similarities between you? At a time when both of you should be mourning a loved one you are counting the pennies. Your second post indicates that you have always resented money spent on your step son and the attention his father gave him. He is perhaps fully aware of your attitude. Your children haven't asked because they know you will provide for them. Your stepson is probably far more concerned with the personal effects than the money and he certainly should be invited to choose from these.
A friend whose dad died suddenly was in much the same position, her step mum gave her very little and when she died left everything to her daughter. It was years ago but my friend still remembers and wonders what happened to certain things and if they are as cherished as they would have been with her.
Invite your step son to see his father's things and let him choose what he wants, you may find it isn't money he wants but recognition and something he has always thought of as precious.