Do some (considerably!) older people never climb down!

I certainly don't think you should be expected to support her in her choice of care home if, as you say, she has the means to support herself in one that accommodates her means. She sounds rather bitter and angry, and it's not as though you've neglected her as you say you have always put her needs first. She's being rather churlish I feel and if she doesn't get over this reaction she could end up very lonely. I think I would probably go and visit her. Just keep cheerful and don't let the nursing home fees become an issue. Don't even bring it up. Her pride might be stopping her getting in touch and she might be glad if you make the first move. Just keep it all light hearted. Good luck.

I think that's a good suggestioin, bnonna.

Is it possible that there is a degree (small) of dementia, lillie?

There's definitely no dementia that bags because throughout the past 30 years she has always expected us to fit in with her and pay for holidays, transport, meals out etc. so nothing has changed. Instead of being grateful for our support she now wants even more from us.

Thank you Bellanonna. Yes, sadly she will end up very lonely and probably never see it as her own doing. I will try and think of a way we can contact her light-heartedly. I just hate being made to feel guilty for something which was out of order.

Lillie, you are not alone although I do not think it has much to do with age. There are just a few very nasty people about and inevitably they end up as very old nasty people.

My story is too long and tedious but suffice it to say the old person involved never relented and just got nastier and ever more bitter. Outsiders might not understand and certainly anyone who came along at the end of the story would have met with a smart, charming old man. We, his children, knew better and can thankfully support each other knowing we tried our very best but it was never good enough.
We still feel guilty and sometimes ashamed at what we see as our failure but deep down we just know he was a nasty man who could manipulate anyone.

Lillie, hold your head up high, you have done what you could, I doubt anything will change, just enjoy your family and those who do love and respect you.

Are you exceedingly rich?

I assume you must be if she thinks you can afford to pay for her residential home without doing without yourselves.

What a selfish old woman

I always assume now that the people who do this type of behaviour know exactly how unreasonable they are being.

But now I come to actually write it, I am not so sure!

They must know deep down, surely?

She certainly seems to have a sense of personal entitlement and high expectations of her family. She sounds more than a little spoiled and selfish.

My FIL is very like this.....has high expectations and places unreasonable demands on a family he didn't really bother about in days past. He's even told DH that he's no son of his, cue 7 year silence from DH. He also told me when ds was 6 weeks old to stop sitting on my a... like Lady (maiden name) and get a job. Now he is a widower he expects everyone to jump when he says so. We are actually in the process of travelling down to see him at the moment. Been up early, showered, sorted out cats for the day and now have 3 hour drive to arrive in time for lunch. He's informed us that he doesn't want to go to our usual restaurant-fair enough-but he has decided we're going to another one which involves us in a further hour's drive. After that DH is meant to take stuff from his garage, including an ancient and heavy microwave, to the skip. He's plagued and pestered him to do this for weeks, but he has regular visits from local gc who could easily have done this. DH has had 2 heart attacks and shouidn't really be lifting heavy items. Fortunately we only have 1.5 hour drive back up the road as we're staying halfway at dd's for dgs birthday celebrations tomorrow. As you might have guessed I'm not looking forward to my day, I'm only going to support DH

I would be very tempted to make sure he knows that. Does he psay for lunch?

No way annsixty....it's a standing family joke as to how seldom he opens his wallet. Grippy isn't the word but he could well afford it. He also berates waiting staff if the food/service isn't to his liking.

I shouldn't have asked really as I knew the answer

At least you have tomorrow to look forward katek

Very true....that will be my focus for today, look beyond it! DH has just informed me that FIL wants us to see DH's sister who doesn't finish work until 6! That means it will be after 7 before we get away. Wish we'd taken train now as we would have had reason for leaving at specific time. Grrrrrrr.

Oh, Lord, don't tell me about tight, selfish old people! OP, please don't feel guilty - unless you are so loaded that you wouldn't have missed the money, it was utterly unreasonable of her to ask or expect it.

Dh had an old aunt (childless, no dementia) who was unbelievably self centred, and tight, despite having plenty of money. I used to call her Queen Midas. She hated the idea of paying for carers, and wouldn't, even when she needed them badly - her neighbours were supposed to help her, 'for love'! She would never have put herself out for anyone else. And most of her neighbours were very elderly themselves and more or less decrepit - I would have them on the phone wailing that they couldn't cope any more.
She never gave a toss about anyone else - would demand dh go and see her when he'd just come off a long night flight after a business trip and was so tired - and it was a 2 hour drive. I said to him once that if he dropped dead from running around after her, all she would say was, 'What about ME? What about my food?" (She was food obsessed).
Eventually dh managed to get her into a care home - what a saga that was! - but she then said that if the care home staff knew she had any money they would find a way to steal it or cheat her. So she insisted on dh paying the fees, and she would pay him back. But getting her to sign those cheques - oh Lord - 'HOW MUCH???' she would screech.
If she'd had a tombstone I would have wanted to put 'HOW MUCH??' on it - it was her favourite cry in later years and was even mentioned at her funeral - someone said it as just as well she didn't know how much it was all costing!

Oh dear, isn't it sad that things never change where a demanding person is concerned? In our younger days my DH and I used to put up with MIL's selfishness, but now we realise how much pleasure we get from directing our efforts towards people who ar really grateful. I'm so glad you all say we mustn't feel guilty not to be contributing towards her care. No, we are not rich and we both work, the monthly amount she expected from us actually amounted to 30% of my salary! Ironically I've had a bit of fun over the past few months putting that amount away for our summer holiday and will enjoy spending it all the more!!
And yes, time to enjoy those we really love and who respect us.