Bit of a dilemma

* Nina* the simple answer is to do whatever you want to do.

If you 'sort of want to go' ninathenana then go, I'm sure everyone will be very friendly and you'll have a great time helping someone celebrate their special day and you did introduce your friend and her DH to each other.

I've reached the age where I never accept an invitation if I don't know anyone. It's hard work trying to make conversation with strangers and unless there's definitely something in it for me, I CBA.

Different when I was younger. Making an effort often resulted in lovely friendships.

I'm afraid I probably would be reluctant to go, and would then feel bad that I'd let an opportunity for a pleasant time slip through my fingers. So I'd go...and tell myself that a barbecue is actually an easy event when you don't know anyone, as there is such a lot of moving about to get food, check on the cooking, admire the garden etc etc that you could happily end up having some very nice conversations

So go!

If you have been invited by the hosts DD I would go. They clearly wish your company, otherwise they would not have invited you.
Once there see how the evening pans out, you may meet some really interesting people.
If it is too boring, make your excuses and leave early.

It's not unusual for people not to know everyone at parties or gatherings, especially if you are the invited persons partner.

Go and enjoy!
X

I find that OP very confusing. "a friend of a friend"? Whose DD did the inviting? And who is 'S'? Totally

I wouldn't go because bbqs are awful.

Just pop in for a quick drink on your way to pressing appointment!

Ok jings not using real names.
Sally (S) is my friend. Our mutual friend is Ann, I know her through Sally (they went to school together) it's Ann's 60th. Ann's DD Lucy messaged me on FB to invite DH and I. I should have said it's a surprise party that Ann knows nothing about.

The only people we will know are 'Ann' and her DH

I would go you have DH to talk to . Barbecues are usually very informal and it's easy to mix and talk to lots of people if you want to. You can obviously make polite goodbyes whenever you want as it's not a sit down meal. Do whatever feels ok

I am not a party person, whereas my DH was very sociable. Some months after his death I was invited to a party by people we had both known but who were really his friends. I was reluctant to go knowing everyone there would have known my DH better than I. I went with the intention of making excuses and slipping away early. I actually had a very good time, with everyone recalling some funny occasion involving my DH (he had a great sense of humour). I know this is somewhat different from your situation but you may find you are able to join in with memories of 'Ann' and her DH, perhaps how you introduced them!

Why not go and if you need to explain you've had a call away text have have to leave?

Oooops I'm rubbish at punctuation lol. Put your own in and see how many meanings my last post can have lol.

You answered your own question, you sort of want to go, so do so. It would not be my thing as I loathe BBQs and my digestion would not tolerate it.

I think if you'd quite like to go then you should go. As sunseeker found, some occasions that I haven't been looking forward to have turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable (and vice versa!).

The thing is...... We are not YOU, so all our replies can't really help much I don't think. I would not go, other people's bbq's are often awful, I only like our own because Mr Roses is a bbq 'ace' all is well cooked and on time.Like some others, these days we only go to things that we want to go to, unless the invitation is from a good friend.You were invited at very short notice to a 60th party, and will have to take a present and card.Just do it if you want to.

I was wondering about the 'present' aspect too...

See what the weather is like first and what you feel like on the day. I don't like barbeques neither, food always looks dodgy.

One of the niggly reasons I'm not even going to my DD wedding in two months is because I don't know anyone, not even the groom's family. No alcohol, no speeches, no sit down meal, groom playing in his own band, reception in a wooden hut in a field, carving up a pig (with it's face still on!).
I would be sat, with a cup of tea, on my own, noone knowing who I was (as not allowed to walk her to the registrar, no church and no speech) looking round at a roomful of people I don't know, don't want to know and will never see again, don't want to see again as mainly groom's side and they are Salvation Army (hence no alcohol). I've even given up smoking so can't go outside for a smoke!

On DD graduation my DS and I travelled, all ecxited, all dolled up for 2 hours, sat through the rigmarole and then got ignored by DD until she wanted me to pay for official photos. No meal afterwards, we were sent packing.

So no, we (me and DS) are staying put in September. No hiring a hotel at cost I can't afford, or paying for clothes which will not be worn again (like the graduation outfits). Once bitten, twice shy, DD or not. She wants to stay still and us all to revolve around her. Well, she'll have a husband to do that for her soon. They have lived together for 5 years and have two children so married in all but legalities anyway.

Oh, and the main reason we are not going - she uninvited us when she hadn't officially invited us in the first place!

So do now with your life exactly what you want to do. What feels right and what sits well with you and won't upset you after the event. I've had 15 years of my DD upsetting me, time for me to do my own thing now.

Ruby, sad, but better to accept things as they are. Life never turns out the way we expect does it?

Oh dear Ruby, what a pickle. Thank goodness you have DS. I bet this message will read all wrong but it is meant to convey sympathy and a hug for, too.
The behaviour of some people/family members leave one speechless at times. You deserve better.

Should say hug for you Ruby

So sorry ruby to hear of all the upset you've had.

Thanks for all your good wishes my friends. I am ok, although my new counsellor next week will probably have red ears by the time I am done with her.

As I see it, if we bring our children up to be independent, to go out in the world and make their own way, hold down a job, create a family of their own (although DD fooled her boyfriend into doing this), be a part of society, then we have done a good job.

I used to blame myself for the way in which she has turned out. But I did not teach her to lie, steal, deceive, manipulate. I have stopped berating myself for the outcome of her upbringing. I am accepting that I am generally a good person who will help anyone if I can. I feel better about myself by not being in touch with her, I used to put myself down all the time. Even though I do have issues, get down at times and have rubbish health, me, my son and my dad do have lots of laughs together. That is what counts, making memories, having some fun, making my dad feel good (dementia) and have my son remember some laughs when he looks back at his time at home when he leaves. My DD used to steal his limelight all the time, he has, touch wood, calmed down a lot since his stressed out period a few months back and now is a real pleasure to be around.

Thank you all again, I thought I might get told to just go to the wedding and put up and shut up but I cant. I have left it with her, saying that she is welcome to come here and tell me why she has lied and done what she has done and to clear the air, but it will never happen in a month of Sundays. She buries her head in the sand, pretends it doesn't exist. I do wish her well for her day. I just don't want to be there to cause conflict and upset her. I might not like her, I am not proud of her behaviour over the last 15 years or so but I do and always will love her.

Oh, Ruby, aren't you tempted (just in your imagination of course), to go and spike the lemonade punch? Slip something in the teapot? Take a cannabis cake?

I can completely understand why you're not going. I hope you can keep in touch with your daughter and her family - if distantly.

Nina - if you do decide to go make sure you have a signal for your DH so he knows if you want to leave (I discovered today that my DS and DiL drop Mary Poppins into the conversation!) and an agreed excuse. Having two different reasons for leaving is a dead giveaway.