Bit of a dilemma

Absolutely true. Life's too short nina. Re rubylady - its such a catalogue of reported failings by the DD that it would be interesting to hear her side of it.

Good for you nina, life's too short to do things that you don't want to do.

Good decision nina - enjoy the afternoon - hope it's nice where you are Sun is shining off and on here but very windy - OH wants it to rain!!!!

Jomarie I did feel we'd been invited to make up numbers
Well........ I decided not to go. 'Ann' and her DH are lovely down to earth people but they both have really well paid jobs a large house and mix with people DH and I would have nothing in common with.

breathe

harrigan the 4 meds are for the breathing, that's not to mention the heart pills I take every day, morning and night.

harrigan I currently can hardly breath, am on 4 lots of medication and nearly got took into hospital on Friday. My DD knows how ill I am, I do send the odd email but with no response. If she wants to invite me to her wedding she knows how to get in touch.

And I will say what I want online, I know the risks. It has been a very long time kept in and believe me, there is plenty more rubbish in my life where this has come from and more from other family members which I keep to myself.

Jomarie Thank you,

Nina - if your OH is happy to go to BBQ then do pop along, a bottle and/or bunch of flowers is sufficient to take with you - agree with suggestion of pre-arranged signal between you for leaving - but if OH isn't keen (or is saying it's up to you - it doesn't bother me) then don't feel you have to go - after all the invite has come rather late in the day don't you think? If it came 3 or 4 weeks ago then it's a different matter, but a day or so before the event, seems a little desperate to me. your choice!

Rubylady - good to get it out there - I think you are so right in just letting it be and keeping well away. We give birth and do the best we can for them and then sometimes it goes right, sometimes it goes wrong. I think you have made the right decision - let her get on with her chosen way of life - you don't have to be there if you don't want to be. Whatever you do you know she will turn it to her advantage - she's just that kind of gal!! Sometimes we have to turn our backs on loved ones to protect ourselves and our other loved ones - strange but true.

ruby you've got enough problems without worrying about 'outfits that will never be worn again'.

Why do so many people do this, I just wear something cheap and cheerful, at both DD graduations I wore a pair of black trousers with a new shirt and a borrowed coat for the winter one. I wore my best shoes which I keep for special do's and the clothes can be worn for work.

I never saw anyone wearing posh outfits at either graduations.

I feel the same about weddings and other occasions, as long as I am clean and smart I wear something that can be worn again.

I vow to go to a second hand shop if DD ever gets married and re sell the outfit afterwards.

ruby do be careful what you say on a public forum, it could come back to bite you on the bum. To not attend your DC's wedding is unthinkable, you could be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Last summer we flew to an alcohol free wedding and had a lovely time. I like a drink but my enjoyment doesn't depend upon it!

I agree with those who say go and then just leave if you are not enjoying it. Be open minded you don't know what you may miss if you don't go. The last wedding anniversary party we went to they said 'no presents' but of course we took a card. Maybe you could take a bottle or some flowers?

Maybe it is easier for me as we have moved around a lot and therefore gone to lots of events where we knew no one but I now take the attitude that if I like people I will socialise and if I don't I won't. I don't actually give much thought to whether they like me or not as that is beyond my control.

An alcohol free wedding Ruby - and no cake? Definitely not worth the bother!

Sometimes all you can do is accept someone the way they are - and keep them at arms length.

(Can't wait to hear if Nina went and had a good time)

ruby
Nina doesn't mind at all.

ruby its good that you can let it out I'm sure Nina won't mind too much.

I'm sorry to have hijacked this thread, it just seemed to all come out tonight, must have been in my subconscious.

NfkDumpling They are not having a wedding cake even, just cupcakes.

One crux came when holding my newborn second DGS in my arms for the first time (2 days old) and she told me that she would have had him aborted had he had anything wrong with him. I was so horrified, I couldn't speak and it's gone over in my head many a time since that she could even say it when he had just been born, if at all!

It's a good job my mother never thought that as I, and my sister had life saving heart surgery shortly after birth. How do any of us know what we will encounter with our children? Autism for instance isn't picked up in the womb but it still comes with its challenges. In her eyes all children should be aborted who have problems.

Her job? : - Youth worker manager.

A job she has had since before leaving university so about 7/8 years now. She is 27 years old, my DS is now 18.
She did voluntary before this from age 15.
When her brother was going through a really bad depression some 4 years ago, she wouldn't even put herself on a train to come to see him once. She would leave her eldest son with his dad to go on work conferences or taking the kids from work out for youth camp but no visit to help her only younger sibling. She is professionally trained for youth depression, apart from it being her flesh and blood. He was a child in need and she was his adult sister. I asked her again and again to help but no.

Do you know, this stuff goes over in my head and I think at times I am being unreasonable but when I write it down, it isn't, is it? And that's just the tip of the iceberg. She stole her prom dress because I had no money and then got her friend's grandma to buy her her shoes. She got another friend's mum to pay for her to go to the leaver's dinner because I said she was grounded and then lied to me about it being a privilege that prefects were being paid for by the school. I know these are a while ago now but lies are lies. She lied about getting pregnant by accident when she had done it on purpose. I don't think her fiance still knows that one yet. And he has given his university course up twice to get a job to fund the family. Her eldest was sick on a visit from us when he was a few months old and she told me I had "freaked him out" and made him vomit. Charming. I have to stop because it is doing my head in. Loads and loads more, it's amazing really. But I am not responsible for her being like this. I did not bring her up to behave in this manner. My mother is very similar and I think genes will out.

Oh, Ruby, aren't you tempted (just in your imagination of course), to go and spike the lemonade punch? Slip something in the teapot? Take a cannabis cake?

I can completely understand why you're not going. I hope you can keep in touch with your daughter and her family - if distantly.

Nina - if you do decide to go make sure you have a signal for your DH so he knows if you want to leave (I discovered today that my DS and DiL drop Mary Poppins into the conversation!) and an agreed excuse. Having two different reasons for leaving is a dead giveaway.

Thanks for all your good wishes my friends. I am ok, although my new counsellor next week will probably have red ears by the time I am done with her.

As I see it, if we bring our children up to be independent, to go out in the world and make their own way, hold down a job, create a family of their own (although DD fooled her boyfriend into doing this), be a part of society, then we have done a good job.

I used to blame myself for the way in which she has turned out. But I did not teach her to lie, steal, deceive, manipulate. I have stopped berating myself for the outcome of her upbringing. I am accepting that I am generally a good person who will help anyone if I can. I feel better about myself by not being in touch with her, I used to put myself down all the time. Even though I do have issues, get down at times and have rubbish health, me, my son and my dad do have lots of laughs together. That is what counts, making memories, having some fun, making my dad feel good (dementia) and have my son remember some laughs when he looks back at his time at home when he leaves. My DD used to steal his limelight all the time, he has, touch wood, calmed down a lot since his stressed out period a few months back and now is a real pleasure to be around.

Thank you all again, I thought I might get told to just go to the wedding and put up and shut up but I cant. I have left it with her, saying that she is welcome to come here and tell me why she has lied and done what she has done and to clear the air, but it will never happen in a month of Sundays. She buries her head in the sand, pretends it doesn't exist. I do wish her well for her day. I just don't want to be there to cause conflict and upset her. I might not like her, I am not proud of her behaviour over the last 15 years or so but I do and always will love her.

So sorry ruby to hear of all the upset you've had.

Should say hug for you Ruby

Oh dear Ruby, what a pickle. Thank goodness you have DS. I bet this message will read all wrong but it is meant to convey sympathy and a hug for, too.
The behaviour of some people/family members leave one speechless at times. You deserve better.

Ruby, sad, but better to accept things as they are. Life never turns out the way we expect does it?

See what the weather is like first and what you feel like on the day. I don't like barbeques neither, food always looks dodgy.

One of the niggly reasons I'm not even going to my DD wedding in two months is because I don't know anyone, not even the groom's family. No alcohol, no speeches, no sit down meal, groom playing in his own band, reception in a wooden hut in a field, carving up a pig (with it's face still on!).
I would be sat, with a cup of tea, on my own, noone knowing who I was (as not allowed to walk her to the registrar, no church and no speech) looking round at a roomful of people I don't know, don't want to know and will never see again, don't want to see again as mainly groom's side and they are Salvation Army (hence no alcohol). I've even given up smoking so can't go outside for a smoke!

On DD graduation my DS and I travelled, all ecxited, all dolled up for 2 hours, sat through the rigmarole and then got ignored by DD until she wanted me to pay for official photos. No meal afterwards, we were sent packing.

So no, we (me and DS) are staying put in September. No hiring a hotel at cost I can't afford, or paying for clothes which will not be worn again (like the graduation outfits). Once bitten, twice shy, DD or not. She wants to stay still and us all to revolve around her. Well, she'll have a husband to do that for her soon. They have lived together for 5 years and have two children so married in all but legalities anyway.

Oh, and the main reason we are not going - she uninvited us when she hadn't officially invited us in the first place!

So do now with your life exactly what you want to do. What feels right and what sits well with you and won't upset you after the event. I've had 15 years of my DD upsetting me, time for me to do my own thing now.

I was wondering about the 'present' aspect too...

The thing is...... We are not YOU, so all our replies can't really help much I don't think. I would not go, other people's bbq's are often awful, I only like our own because Mr Roses is a bbq 'ace' all is well cooked and on time.Like some others, these days we only go to things that we want to go to, unless the invitation is from a good friend.You were invited at very short notice to a 60th party, and will have to take a present and card.Just do it if you want to.