Small children attacking each other

Oh, I hope he's going to be alright, alternativegran. My 3 year old grandaughter got bitten twice on her arm at nursery, leaving teethmark shaped bruising. She named the child and parents got together and said to both children that biting is an absolute no-no (my daughter was bristling about this, but listened and agreed that my grandaughter wouldn't think she was being blamed). The perpetrators mum handed a bag of chocolate buttons to her daughter and said she must share and be friends. There's been nothing of concern since then.

I hope he will be OK. My daughter works in a primary school in a decent area and some of the stories she tells me of the behaviour of some of the children are horrendous.

Well I think the playgroup has a duty of care and while no one has eyes in the back of their head, they do bear the responsibility. If they had any concerns about the "aggressor" they should have been more diligent and taking the necessary precautions. I can understand why they will not divulge the child's name to your DD but she deserves a full account plus assurances that they will be more diligent.
If you feel it was a one-off and befriending the child it might be good to encourage a play date (your territory of course) sometimes mini bullies crave friendship and who knows, he might stand up for your DGS in the future if necessary!
Did anybody see The Secret Lives of 4 year olds? (I think I have that right) It showed anti social behaviour by tinies , often emerging from their parenting, but also how befriending could happen by some very mature and understanding children.

Biting is fairly common amongst two and three year olds and 'aggressive' behaviour is often about children testing boundaries - they are only just beginning to empathise and often have little concept of the harm they may be doing. Toddlers are also just beginning to use words to communicate so they rely heavily on their actions to show what they are thinking and feeling. Some children are more 'emotional' reactors then others and so need to be encouraged to use thinking skills. In other words, both of the children need encouragement and support in situations such as described by alternativegran - and some parents are more adept and able than others to socialize their children well.

alternativegran - I do hope your grandson recovers without lasting harm.

My DGS then rising 2 was assaulted at a soft play area by an older boy This was when I took him. I was keeping my eye on him all the time and he seemed to be talking to a bigger boy. DGS is small anyway and was up to his knees in a ball pool and could not easily escape. The bigger lad was pinching my DGS's cheeks which and left bruises.

By the way the mum of the offender reacted I am pretty sure he had done such things before.
DGS did not cry at the time but shot off up into the climbing area and I think hid for safety. He was very upset when I spoke to the lady at the desk and he buried his face in my neck.

The owner did take it seriously but the marks did not show straight away.
He has not been put off fortunately.

I felt really dreadful about that. It's unlikely DGS would have remembered it. Realistically I could not have prevented it as you cannot be hovering over them every second.

The playgroup can't wash their hands of it. They need to speak to the child and his parents and report back that they have dealt with it.

Children can be very aggressive as they don't have as much self control. It is our job as adults to teach them right from wrong and support/encourage them to develop empathy and self control.

The best father/son chat I ever saw was after a fight when the father very quietly asked his son if he wanted to grow up to be a man. The boy said he did. The father then said that a true man only fights if his life or the life of others are in danger. It is the measure of a true man that he can walk away when others try to goad him because he knows that violence solves nothing.

While they may not be entitled to the name of the agressor the parents are entitled to know what disciplinary action the play group has taken and what safe guards they are putting into place to ensure there are no more attacks. They should possibly consult with the parents of the agressor and ask if they would be willing to meet with your daughter and discuss things. I understand that children do sometimes turn agressive very quickly, but if there is enough damage to cause scars why didn't a member of staff step in earlier? Your daughter should ask to see the accident report and make sure that the incident has been properly logged. This child sounds as if he/she needs help and making sure proper records are kept is an essential part of this.

Thank you all so much for your replies,

My grandson, unlike his siblings, found being separated from his mother and going to a playgroup difficult but has really increased in confidence which is why this is so sad, as he has been very frightened.

I am not sure whether or not the law requires such incidents to be written up so that children who are consistently agressive can get the help they need. I hear stories of babies arriving at nurseries with sick in their hair and their overnight nappy still in place, so many parents are under such pressure that it must have an effect on their children, which is why I feel that perhaps the state should introduce a socialising programme at an early age.

I can understand why the name of the child is not passed on to the "victims" family. Given the aggressive way some parents appear to behave at kids football match, what they might do to the "offender" or one of their parents does not bear thinking about.

The alleged perpetrator of this assault does sound particularly aggressive.
As there appeared to be a significant injury to the child the playgroup should have a good look at this incident and report back to both sets of parents. It should be noted in in their accident book etc as part of safeguarding proceedures.

When'im That sounds like a sensible resolution.

I still remember the horrible two yr old next door biting my four month old DD on the cheek and a few weeks later when DD was in her pram this little girl held DDs fingers and bit them leaving marks. What you feel like doing to another child hurting your own is dreadful.

Please do not jump to the conclusion that all children's aggressive behaviour is down to poor parenting. My DGS's x 3 are all on the autistic spectrum. The eldest has Asperger's syndrome. He can lash out, biting, kicking etc., when he has a sensory overload. My DD would be horrified if she thought his behaviour was down to her parenting skills. Most of the families in the village where she lives know about the boys condition and are very supportive. Some who don't, give her funny looks. The boys had to be taken home early from a party at the weekend, as the popping of the balloons was hurting them. My eldest GS says the sound feels like being stung by wasps and nettles. Sorry I seem to have wandered off topic here!

Playgroups and nurseries are subject to OFSTED. Your daughter should ask for a copy of the accident report and their Child Protection Policy and set up a meeting, with your GS's Key Worker initially, to discuss how this situation can be avoided in future.

Your GS has a right to feel safe at Playgroup.

My DGD's nursery has an excellent recording system where any marks on a child for any reason are marked on a sheet of paper with a simple body outline once they are noticed. This includes marks the child may arrive at nursery with and bumps and bruises which happen but aren't reported at the time because they seem to be minor. This may seem a bit over the top but it is very reassuring for parents who worry about their children.

Thank you Anya and Trisher, that is helpful, its only a small play group, I didnt realise my grandson would have a key worker.

I am sure the problem wasn't a child on the autism spectrum hildajenni, I have two friends with autistic grandchildren and have been impressed with the care given in primary school, including a small tent for one of them where he can go if he needs to retreat.

Do you know what actually happened? I just wonder if a toy got thrown and your GS happened to be caught by it. Accidents do happen and it seems a shame to label a child without all the information.

If a child bites it doesn't necessarily mean it is their fault, they may have been bitten and think it is what people do. My GS bit someone at a party, we don't know why, but it was dealt with and he hasn't done it again.

Children do all sorts of things we find unacceptable but it is what we do about it which matters. I find it very hard to blame a 3 year old for anything.

I hope you GS is fine.

It's not always someone else's child, one of my grandchildren attacked her own sister so savagely that, alarmed and needing to stop her, I smacked her. I know a smack is now equated with GBH but it did stop a potential serious injury.

I'm with you apricot very occasionally that is simply the best solution. I do stress very occasionally - and I am assuming it was a smack on the leg or bottom rather than a smack round the head!!!! Like everything in life there are grey areas and people have strong views about punishment. Personally I always thought (and still do) that a short sharp smack to show the severity of the misdemeanour (ie damaging someone else or putting themselves in danger - running into the road etc.) was preferable to a packet of sweets and a "there there" approach. Time enough for that when the perpetrator had had it explained to him/her and repented. Hang me now!!!

Smacking children here in England is legal btw so nobody has to feel worried , if they think a smack is called for.
Children hitting biting or kicking each other does happen at playgroup now and then and even the best run ones can't see or prevent it happening all the time.That doesn't mean they should absolve themselves though, and they will no doubt keep an eye on the perpetrator in the future.

I think that sometimes in a potentially dangerous situation a smack is the best way to put a stop to something instantly. Once you are out of that situation it can be talked through for as long as necessary.

A couple of times now GS3 who is 18 months old has hit his cousin who is 10 months older very hard. Now we know this may happen we are watching for it and hoping to diffuse their arguments more peacefully.

rosesared I would prefer to say smacking is "not illegal" rather than say it is legal. That is nitpicking but there is a subtle difference.
But that there are far better ways of dealing with a childs naughty behaviour.

There was a recent press report of a mother who gave her three year old a single slap on the hand as they were leaving a shop. An observer reported this to the police and the mother was questioned by them. She was exonerated when she explained that her child had taken a bar of chocolate from a shelf. The slap, and being made to reurn the bar of chocolate, were intended to deter the child from taking anything in the future.

Find out who the brat is give it a slap and punch the mother

And what do you class as a decent area ~ stuck up or what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like the kiddies are loose again!

If used sparingly a short, sharp smack on the hand or the back of the leg can be effective especially if the child is doing something dangerous and you need to stop them instantly. You can then explain and discuss the behaviour.