Sudden death of my Husband.

Join U3A. Many of the members will be in a similar position and our’s has a special group for Members on their Own. Does your local church have a bereavement group. Also, ask at your GP surgery for local groups.

Apologies - I also want to say that I am sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself - it takes at least two years to get over such a bereavement.

I want to say this very gently and kindly but I think you may be expecting far too much of yourself at this stage in your grief. You said his death was sudden and unexpected - I’m so sorry. Yes the way in which everyone else’s life continues as usual when a wrecking ball has demolished yours ….. Do your children live near you?

Bellab I’m so sorry for your loss it must have been a great shock for you. There must be lots of groups around but difficult to advise not knowing where you live. Can I suggest that you contact some local hospices as they often have such groups or perhaps ask in your local library they are usually very helpful. Otherwise, do you have a local Facebook or WhatsApp group where you could ask the question? maybe other recent widows would come forward.
I do hope you find something suitable.
💐

I am sorry to hear this, Bellab. I want to add my voice to those saying that it's very early days. Don't expect too much of yourself yet.
By all means dip a toe into a local Knit and Natter group, or a meeting of the WI, but don't jump too hurriedly into something you might change your mind about later.
Good luck.

Thank you all. Dont know what I want . It is probably too soon as you say but I just feel so lost.

My sincere sympathies,
You are probably still in shock to a degree and any thoughts of “going back to your former life” optimistic.
Be gentle with yourself, in the early weeks and months you may feel yu have the energy to take on the world but that is also a reaction.
Bereavement counselling might be able to point you in the right direction but what I found most helpful was the kind friends who would include me in a lunch, or coffee outing or a trip to an exhibition where we had interests in common.
Sometimes I liked to be out, others I hunkered down at home, watched daytime tv, cried, power washed my patio (!) or just did what I fancied.
It is all so unreal in the early days , just go with the flow. Groups for the bereaved do help some people but they were not for me. We’re all of us different.

Hi Bellab
First of all I'm very sorry for your loss.
My church and think most churches run a bereavement group.
You don't have to be religious to go .
They will listen to you and are amazingly sympathetic and understanding.
Just take it easy .
Don't expect too much of yourself.
And when the non - stop unsolicited advice as to what you should be doing with your life -walk away .
Please do whatever makes you happy .
Take care ,Esmay 💐

I didnt want to read and not post.
Even though I dont know much.
And like others, sorry for your loss.

Of the people I know who experienced a sudden death, I would say it took them two years before they, and not sure how to put this, felt more like being able to cope?

It seems like you want to talk.
If there isnt a group nearby, perhaps you would like to make one? Though that may be out of your comfort zone, or you are nowhere near ready yet to do something like that.

Firstly, sincere condolences for your loss. Secondly, please do t expect too much of yourself. I empathise with your desire to move on positively. My husband died three years ago , by this stage of our lives we have some experience of grief and bereavement. I’m still finding my way (positively ) forward in this life without his love and companionship

I’ve taken up a new hobby, I’m blessed with a challenging Labrador who keeps me actuve and involved in training groups. You sound resourceful so will find activities with like minded people.

Be kind to yourself x

Rosie’s words are very wise. Kind friends - I hope you have some - especially those who ‘take charge’. Not the ‘let me know if I can do anything’ but those who messaged with firm dates for lunch or cofffee or saying I’m in Waitrose, can I pick anything up for you’ ? I needed to be with people I felt safe with - that I could cry, or laugh, or say nothing and just sit holding someone’s hand. Rosie’s right that we’re all different but it took me a while before I wanted to or could be with a group of strangers

About three months after my husband died I attended a bereavement group, but never again. There was nothing wrong with it, but I realised I did not need to be with others focussing on their grief, it was all too much. I needed to be with others with a different focus. Maybe this is what the OP means by trying to think more positively.
I support the suggestion of u3a and similar. I have joined two which certainly keep the mind occupied, which is what I needed and still very much enjoy.

BellaB i was in the same position as you 21 months ago. Totally lost and didn’t know what to do with myself,
I took up art for the first time in my life and have Meade wonderful friends in my art group. Joined U3A and one of their exercise classes. Made a friend or two there as well.
Joined a local walk and talk group (or try to see if talking tables is in your area) and met a lot of new people there.
I attend my local church and have joined in afternoon teas and did help at the playgroup for a while.
There are things out there but it’s hard to make the effort when your whole world has been torn apart. Look for knit and natter groups in the library . Local things on Facebook. I hope you find something that suits you.

So sorry for your loss definitely take one day at a time and do as much or as little as you can. Be kind to yourself these are early days.

BellaB others have said it’s too soon and I understand what they mean. I think it all depends on how you feel. I couldn’t bear to stay in the house on my own. I needed company. I joined my art class two weeks after Dh died. I often used to go in the toilets and cry then dry my eyes and go back. I would cry every time I set foot in the front door. But I have made such good friends at art. They took me under their wing right from the beginning. Allowed me to talk it out over and over again. Went for coffee with me and gave me a hug when I needed it. Bereavement groups at church are not the same as bereavement counselling. We have a monthly service where people come and chat over tea and cake. We talk about all sorts of things. I was told to wait at least 6 months before having counselling as it was too soon before that. I didn’t think so at the time but I realised after its was true.
So sorry you are going through this. You will find there are a lot of people out there going through the same. Only they can really understand how you feel.

Do you have any friends that live away that you could go and visit? I found getting away after the funeral to a friend who lived by the sea very helpful.

Let your friends know that you are happy to go out to all the normal things you usually do with them, if you would like that.

There was a thread a while ago where lots of posters said they would hold back and give people several weeks space after a bereavement, so you may need to let them know if you feel differently.

I am sorry for your loss💐

I think you're all right. I feel I need to talk but bereavement groups are not right for me,I do need a different focus. MyHusband was so positive about everything and I'm trying my best for him . He would be so worried about me but it is too soon to think of anything else. I'm not much of a joiner inner any way. I thank you for kindness and understanding,it was said that friends seem to back off.My son says I have to say what I need but it's difficult.

So sorry for your loss. I understand
Yes, it’s the fortnight after the funeral that is the worst. I was only 14 when my darling Dad passed away. But I remember the house being full of visitors, day-in and day-out, then the ‘seventh celebration’ and after that, everyone returned to their ‘day jobs’. I was the youngest of 9, so just Mum and me. There was this emptiness.
Bellab I hope you find something to keep your mind occupied.

I'm so sorry to hear you're in this sad sort of limbo. I agree that bereavement groups might not suit you. There's something about just a nice group of friends who understand the situation and are happy to listen and let you talk and just be supportive. Also, as Maw says, be assertive. Suggest coffees or cinema trips etc. Take care. Give yourself permission to do whatever you feel like doing.

I am so sorry this has happened to you and your family.
Grief can be a very personal thing, but it is also a process that takes time.
I am not going to advocate for 'joining' things either, and I also understand your wariness of bereavement groups.
Feeling lost is perfectly normal- nothing prepared you for this.
I think your son is right, you need to say what it is you want (all you probably want is your husband back) from other people you know and can rely on, rather than seeking the company of strangers.
Have your friends really backed off? Maybe they think you need a little space, but also they may be waiting for you to contact them?
Most of all give yourself some time, take small steps and most of all be kind to yourself.

Bella, I signed in to Gransnet after my husband died three years ago (same time as Iam64). I've found comfort and interest here.
You are in shock.
Try to keep regular hours with regular meals. I still find it useful to have a telephone conversation with someone (my daughter usually) while I eat, so that I don't eat too fast. And walk for half an hour every day whatever the weather.
Time for bed now. Thinking of you

I am sorry to hear your news.

Cruse is a specialist bereavement support charity,
call 0808808 1677 for telephone support. Also they have a good website and can put you in touch with local groups to you. They invite a charitable donation but nobody who can't, is turned away

www.cruse.org.uk/

You could also enquire at your local Hospice for info on local bereavement groups. Or ask at your GP surgery notice board.

Some times it's more comfortable to unbutton to a total stranger who has put themselves there to listen and doesn't know your husband, family or you. You can let out every kind of emotion without regretting it later .

Bellab 💐

I am so sorry for your loss. If bereavement classes aren't your cup of tea, maybe try something upbeat like line dancing or join a leisure centre and take part in classes or just have a swim, then coffee and chat with a friend. This is an extremely sad time for you and you will be on a wave of emotions, but allow yourself to also have happy thoughts, it is good for your own health and wellbeing to smile, laugh, have fun. Let your tears flow when you are feeling sad, but your husband wouldn't want you to be sad all the time, and take comfort that he will always be around you and you will be together again some time. Children are a great distraction, cuddle your grandchildren and maybe get more involved with their lives. Parents are often so busy, so your little ones will treasure time spent with you reading, chatting, or being taken to the park. Just imagine your dear husband smiling at you and willing you on 🥰. It's early days, allow yourself to grieve and heal from the shock, you will feel like you're on a rollercoaster of emotions, but your family all love you and will all be feeling the loss in their own way. I wish you all the best as you move forward, do it at your own pace. Take care 🫂

I too lost my DH right before the holidays and was devastated. I know how you are feeling and you have my heartfelt sympathies and prayers that with time life will start treating you better as you deserve. No one is prepared for such an experience and it is so hard to comprehend the sorrow for those meaning well but having difficulty giving what you need. I pray for days of comfort, peace and sunshine ahead for you.