Late sister

I can understand your feelings, but as her closest relations, it was up to her children to decide things really. Perhaps she had told them herself she didn’t want a lot of fuss, and preferred a quiet send off?

It appears they took up some of your suggestions, and allowed your family to take part. Regarding the reception, maybe it wasn’t just the cost, they genuinely didn’t want one. As for obituaries in the local paper, yes, that was very commonplace in our town years ago, but now it’s quite expensive to place one in, plus the local rag isn’t ‘what it was’, and not many people buy it nowadays (me for one). You see more local deaths on the Facebook page.

It’s sad you are now estranged. Is that what your sister would have wanted? Life’s too short for bad feelings.

My BiL died this year and his DD did not want a reception after the funeral. She just could not cope with the arrangements or with talking to people.

Many people don’t put an Obit in the newspaper anymore, it’s expensive and I figure that those who need to know will be told.
Maybe your sister wanted a private family only funeral?
We didn’t have a reception after my Mum died, I couldn’t face it and we had a long journey home with a small baby.

Could they have been shocked /upset over her death and just didn’t manage to get their act together Do they also live in this small village or further away if they are all in different parts of the country / world it may have been difficult Perhaps no one took the lead . Were they close to their mum?
It sounds as if you and your son and your brother did all you could
Very few people buy a local paper now so it s not really a younger persons thoughts to put obituaries in newspapers
Can you be sure your sister hadn’t said ‘no fuss please’ was it an unexpected death ?

Perhaos you could organise a celebration of her life in her village and invite her neighbours and friends to talk about your sister, her ups and downs and laughs and tears make a pin board with memory photos on it say a month after her death or on the anniversary if that’s already gone

I think it’s sad you ve estranged her children would she have wanted that !

And that’s why I’m having a Pure direct cremation, none of these problems will arise..

BlueBelle

Could they have been shocked /upset over her death and just didn’t manage to get their act together Do they also live in this small village or further away if they are all in different parts of the country / world it may have been difficult Perhaps no one took the lead . Were they close to their mum?
It sounds as if you and your son and your brother did all you could
Very few people buy a local paper now so it s not really a younger persons thoughts to put obituaries in newspapers
Can you be sure your sister hadn’t said ‘no fuss please’ was it an unexpected death ?

Perhaos you could organise a celebration of her life in her village and invite her neighbours and friends to talk about your sister, her ups and downs and laughs and tears make a pin board with memory photos on it say a month after her death or on the anniversary if that’s already gone

I think it’s sad you ve estranged her children would she have wanted that !

Such a good idea to arrange a memorial to your sister with friends & neighbours from the Village I would also offer an invite to her ACs and try and repair the estrangement from them which is a sad thing to have happened.

Hippie, I am sorry for your loss. Did you actually talk to your sisters children about the funeral arrangements? Perhaps they were so upset they struggled to come to terms with losing their Mum.
We all handle grief differently and not everyone thinks a wake after a funeral is necessary or even appropriate.
BlueBelle makes a good suggestion about you arranging a celebration for your sisters life in her community.
Don't be angry with your sisters children, I don't think anything is to be gained by estranging yourself from them, on the contrary, they might just need your support even more now.
Above all, remember the happy times.

I'm wondering if they actually knew what was expected of them? It's a pity that you couldn't all get together and sort something out. I would also consider extending the olive branch to her children.

I am so sorry your lovely sister has died and send you much sympathy. I recognize how you are feeling about what happened and there is no way of knowing why they reacted as they did. However please try and heal the rift with them , I am sure your sister would want that. Sending good wishes and ?for a happy solution to this distressing situation.

Mil died in July she specifically ask for it NOT to go in the local paper.
No photo on the order of service. No flowers from anyone including
Her children. She didn't want anything afterwards but that was one
thing we ignored.
Maybe they were following her wishes.

Sorry to hear of the upset & loss of your sister. Sounds like her children were happy for you to add to her funeral ceremony. They were trying to please you. Harsh to say they “couldn’t be bothered”. Not every family wants or needs a traditional funeral or even see the importance of it to others.
Hopefully they were nice to their mum while she was alive?
Don’t cut them off. Family are precious.
You could write to them to say would they mind if you organised an event for your sister. If they agree invite them too. Presumably you’ll be paying for that?

I am so sorry for your loss, however, another post where OP tried to take over and make it about herself.

My thoughts exactly Hithere.

Thank you everyone for your comments. Her daughter never bothered to visit her even during the last months of her life and she lived an hour away. Her son was more interested but the opposite to his mum. My sister was very social and in the small town people still look in the local paper for obituaries. When her late husband died 3 years ago the obituary was put in the local paper and a lot of people came to the funeral. Not all older people are of the facebook generation. I regret posting my post as I feel some people have misunderstood it. It was not about me. It was extremely stressful as I live several hours away. Imagine knowing that 2 days before your sisters funeral that the hymns and funeral songs hadn't been chosen. Would you not have wanted to help to give your sister a fitting send off. I won't be responding to any more posts as some of the posts have added to my sadness.

Please don’t tar us all with the same brush I tried to give you some constructive ideas to perhaps help you
I think some of the posts were harsh (Hithere and Chrissy particularly harsh and quite rude) but some were sympathetic to you, in life you have to take all sorts some good some bad, try to ignore any harsh ones and concentrate on trying to come to terms with your darling sisters death
Was it very recent ?
Have a lovely post funeral celebration of life in her village hall with all her neighbours and friends you don’t have to invite her children if you don’t want to just do it for you and her Your own personal tribute to her
I think you did all you could at the time with the restraints of her own family please don’t take lack of empathy from some to make you feel even worse

Thank you Bluebelle. I appreciate your kind comment.x

it certainly won't be in the local paper when i 'go'..... mine will be a private affair, no one present is my wish.

my mother died suddenly when I and brothers were in our early twenties and we had no idea what was required of us apart from the funeral.

I suppose this is why you should make your feelings known and write it all down beforehand. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister x