Your experiences as a new parent

If you’re willing to share what decade you had your first, I think that could also add some interesting context. No, pressure, of course. I’m just curious about your stories if you’re open to sharing.

What was the arrival of your first child like in relation to your parents?

I don't understand this question, in relation to what?

Were your mother and/or MIL present at the birth?

no neither were

Were they in the hospital waiting room? no

Did they come in to your hospital room to meet the baby on day one? yes

Did they stay at your home to help? only to watch the other children until I came home

Was that by their request or yours? mine

How often did they visit or did you visit them in those early days? they didn't as they lived quite a distance away

Did they offer childcare (or conversely, did you request it)?no, neither
Did they take your infant for sleepovers and if so, when? no

Was that something you were glad about? no I'd have loved to have got rid of them sometimes

Did their expectations match yours? I have no idea

Are you going to answer your own questions?

JaneJudge

What was the arrival of your first child like in relation to your parents?

I don't understand this question, in relation to what?

Were your mother and/or MIL present at the birth?

no neither were

Were they in the hospital waiting room? no

Did they come in to your hospital room to meet the baby on day one? yes

Did they stay at your home to help? only to watch the other children until I came home

Was that by their request or yours? mine

How often did they visit or did you visit them in those early days? they didn't as they lived quite a distance away

Did they offer childcare (or conversely, did you request it)?no, neither
Did they take your infant for sleepovers and if so, when? no

Was that something you were glad about? no I'd have loved to have got rid of them sometimes

Did their expectations match yours? I have no idea

Are you going to answer your own questions?

Oh I’m sorry if my first question was unclear. I suppose I meant, was it stressful in terms of expectations from them or were they on the same page?

I’m happy to answer my own questions. I’ll answer my own questions in the next reply.

What was the arrival of your first child like in relation to your parents?
I wanted it all to be for my husband and I but they would have liked to have been involved

Were your mother and/or MIL present at the birth?
absolutely not!

Were they in the hospital waiting room?
no. And I was expecting a home birth anyway

Did they come in to your hospital room to meet the baby on day one?
no

Did they stay at your home to help?
absolutely not

Was that by their request or yours?
ours

How often did they visit or did you visit them in those early days?
both sets came once in the first week. My parents on day 2 and my husband's on (probably) day 5 or 6. I couldn't keep either set away any longer

Did they offer childcare (or conversely, did you request it)?
both offered. We didn't take them up on it

Did they take your infant for sleepovers and if so, when?
when they were able to decide if they wanted to go. Probably about age 5.

Was that something you were glad about?
not bothered either way

Did their expectations match yours?
their hopes were for more. They didn't expect

was it stressful in terms of expectations from them or were they on the same page?

They (my parents in particular) were always keen to "help" and (sadly) we were fiercely independent. In retrospect I think i could have been more generous with my babies but as time went by and we had more children I suppose we became more independent rather than needing/wanting more wider family time/ help.

My parents had SO much love. The children all (except the youngest) can still remember that love and all talk so fondly of them even though they didn't have as much time with us as they wanted.

My mother, stepfather and brother came, marched into the room before I even had a chance to wash without being asked and took a lot of awful pictures they wouldn't give to me afterwards.

No one stayed, no one helped at all, no one ever babysat when I needed it.

Late 90s

What was the arrival of your first child like in relation to your parents?

I don't know how the arrival of our first daughter in 1960 was for her GP, other than she was one of many and they loved her.

Were your mother and/or MIL present at the birth? No

Were they in the hospital waiting room? No

Did they come in to your hospital room to meet the baby on day one? Maybe they met her at the window? I don't recall.

Did they stay at your home to help? Certainly not, I didn't need help from anyone apart from my husband.

Was that by their request or yours? If I requested they would have, I suppose. None of them were pushy, they were polite - no requests.

How often did they visit or did you visit them in those early days? Once a week, or longer - maybe 2 weeks, for a few minutes.

Did they offer childcare (or conversely, did you request it)? Neither

Did they take your infant for sleepovers and if so, when? Was that something you were glad about? Not until age 5-6, when our children could understand all that was involved in night wakes. Child initiated, not GP initiated.

Did their expectations match yours? I've no idea, but they did as we asked without seemingly having an upset.

My mother was present with my first. We were grateful for her presence. My husband was the only other person present for my last two. We had visitors in the hospital. Only my MIL was pushy and demanding and it set the tone for a less than warm relationship all these years later.

My family offered help and we accepted when we needed. There was no pressure from my side. They gave us space when we needed. Never demanded a visitation schedule. Brought food and had the self-awareness to never overstay.

My MIL was a different story and is the precise reason I have taken the opposite approach to my own DILs. I let them know I am there for them but do not burden them with expectations. We get along well because of it. One asked me to be in the delivery room with her and I of course obliged.

If you are asking for insight because you are struggling with the expectations of others while your baby is still young, please keep in mind that it serves neither you nor your baby to take on the burden of being people pleaser. Your obligations are to your child and to keep yourself emotionally healthy for both you and baby. I also wouldn’t get wrapped up in what you think the norms should be for birth/labor/post partum. Do what you feel is best for you. All extended family has a lifetime to bond with baby. Take care of yourself and baby right now. Best of luck!

Since someone asked me to answer my own questions (that’s fair):

Year: early 2020

What was the arrival of your first child like in relation to your parents? It was stressful. My mil had a lot of expectations and demands that did not match ours (for example, she expected to move in with us for the first month and told my husband not to take the rare parental leave offered to him. He had to explain this was valuable time that he planned to take and that we wanted some time to get to bond with our child as a family of 3. We met her halfway where we could, but ultimately put our needs first.

Were your mother and/or MIL present at the birth? No

Were they in the hospital waiting room? No. My MIL wanted to but it felt like the pressure of someone waiting for a table to become available at a restaurant. I had to have a scheduled C-section, so we asked them to not arrive before the scheduled surgery time and encouraged them to come a few hours later, since I’d be in post-op recovery. They showed up about 2 hours before my surgery.

Did they come in to your hospital room to meet the baby on day one? My in laws did. They brought the entire family. I had 9 people in my hospital room on night one. My mother and sister came a day later. My mother wasn’t interested in visiting, but I asked her to.

Did they stay at your home to help? No, but MIL pushed very hard to. We declined the help, as my husband received generous parental leave and provided all the help we needed.

Was that by their request or yours? It had been her request, which we declined.

How often did they visit or did you visit them in those early days? I had a 4 day stay in the hospital and my in laws insisted on visiting every day we were in the hospital. After that, we requested 3 days of private bonding time after I was released from the hospital. My mil was very upset about that and pushed back hard. We didn’t think 3 days of privacy was a lot to ask and held our ground. After that, they visited every 2-3 days until the lockdown. My mother (who lived a couple hours away) visited once about 2 weeks later. The lockdown started before she got around to visiting again.

Did they offer childcare (or conversely, did you request it)? MIL did, rather forcefully. When I explained I planned to stay home for the first year, she said I was making a mistake and that she would provide full time care for our child. We declined. She constantly offered/pushed to babysit, but I had postpartum anxiety and couldn’t bear to be away from my child.
Did they take your infant for sleepovers and if so, when? She offered constantly, but we were not ready to be away from our child. We agreed to a sleepover when he was about a year old.

Was that something you were glad about? No. The pressure put me in a tough position and caused me a lot of stress. It also caused tension in our marriage, even though he had no desire to agree to the sleepovers, either. We were older first time parents and it had taken a long time to get pregnant. We didn’t want a break, even though she insisted we must’ve. I couldn’t bear being away from our child that long.

Did their expectations match yours? No.

What was the arrival of your first child like in relation to your parents?
My husband rang my parents (approx 200 miles away) and his (approx 60 miles away) when he got home.

Were your mother and/or MIL present at the birth?
Nope. The subject was never even raised.

Were they in the hospital waiting room?
No

Did they come in to your hospital room to meet the baby on day one?
It was a ward. No. The paternal grandparents visited at visiting time the next day.

Did they stay at your home to help? Was that by their request or yours?
No, and no such request was made. Nor even thought of, I suspect.

How often did they visit or did you visit them in those early days?
My parents came to visit in hospital on the second or third day. I was in for five, as was customary in the early 80s. Any help needed came from always available nurses/midwives.

Did they offer childcare (or conversely, did you request it)?
No. Neither.

Did they take your infant for sleepovers and if so, when?
Not until the kids were school age and I was pursuing some professional training. Paternal GPs had them one half-term hol and maternals had them another.

Was that something you were glad about?
I was grateful.

Did their expectations match yours?
My mum was shocked that DD2 had holes in the knees of her trousers the week she had them. She didn't want to be seen with her "grandkids in rags!" 😂 So she patched them very nicely.

I also did not allow sleepovers until we were good and ready, not before one year. I did not bend to pressure from the one person who thought she had rights to our children. No guilt whatsoever.

Two children in Mid 1970s and it’s a no to all questions.

In those days fathers were not usually present ether birth so grandparents certainly weren’t around. O was in hospital for the usual 7 or 8 days snd only fathers were able to visit.

First child in 1974.

Different times, but even DH not present, he was at work and not aware I was in labour.

As for nowadays, definite no to anyone being present apart from your DH/partner.

It’s not a spectator sport, why would you want anyone else there?

Would not have dreamed of being present when my DD or DIL gave birth.

It’s for the two of you, no one else needs to be there.

silverlining48

In those days fathers were not usually present ether birth so grandparents certainly weren’t around. O was in hospital for the usual 7 or 8 days snd only fathers were able to visit.

Fathers were only just being allowed when DC1 arrived - grandparents would certainly not have been allowed.
Thank goodness DH was there in hospital when DC3 arrived as the midwife had buggered off gone off for her lunch and never came back.

1960's my first baby was born.
Nobody was allowed to be with me at the birth.
My parents and his visited on day 2 at the hospital. We had to stay in hospital for a week!
We had some help from parents but preferred to look after our son ourselves.
When I returned to work both sets of parents would help out occasionally with sleepovers but the eldest was about 7 then.

My DH had to ask if it was ok to be at the birth of both. It wasn’t usual.ist were in the corridor smoking cigars,

We didn’t expect or get much help either practical or financial. When I needed a babysitter I already belonged to a babysitting group.
It couldn’t be more different from now.

I had my first child in 1965. I spent the first yeas with a baby on one arm and Dr. Spock in the other hand. Both sets of grandparents were happy to babysit but we didn’t have the money to go out often.
As to the birth,. Alone, no husband and 10 days in hospital afterwards.
But we muddled through and enjoyed it mostly.

Oh yes, Dr Spock! 😀

Early 1970s. Husband present at birth, mother certainly not! (Silverlining48, husbands were normally present in my experience.)
Parents visited within a day or two.
My mother stayed for a few days to cook meals etc, not to look after the baby.
My parents babysat occasionally, but never had the baby to stay. I wouldn’t have asked them to.

Mine had to get hospital permission to be present at the birth. 1975. Dads, if they were there, and often they were not becayse they were at work and not contactable, generally hung around the corridors, smoking and waiting until their child was born.
Call the Midwife is fairly accurate overall to remember back in the day. Think they are up to the late 60 s now.

1st child 1979, second 1981.

My mother and my partner's parents lived 150miles + away from us, so very little involvement at any time in the early days.

Partner was present at both births. It was taken for granted by the maternity staff.

My mother happened to be staying with us when the second child came, early. We had just moved house and she'd come to help with the move. It was good because she stayed with no. 1 child while partner and I went to hospital. OTOH she was quite hard on no.1 child, which upset me, though she was great with the housework and meal preparation.

With no Gparents around to help I joined a support group and we babysat for each other.

I feel a bit guilty now that Gparents only saw the GC a couple of times a year. Especially as my own grandchild lives near us and I see a lot of him.

Seems to me GP are wanting to estrange.

As if playing a fun game of "Estrangement Bingo"

E Exert Control over new parents' life

S Stop listening, rather do pushing of own agenda

T Try to Buy Love, too much money, too many purchases

R Resist attempts to do as dad and mum ask

A Attempt to push to arranging everything - time spent on GP schedule, childminding, sleep aways

N Never listen to the words "no thank you" - just push on

G Goad new parents into 'bad behaviour' by own behaviour

E Expect paternal/maternal relationships to be same

OP, your post is full, pushy GP insisting toward estrangement.