MIL is lonely—advice?

There is a day centre here that's not been closed (except during lockdown) and a church group with a 'tea and cakes' afternoon. I think they socially distance or wear masks, so things are rather difficult, still they manage.

Would she like a companion for a few afternoons in the week? I'm sure another elderly person would really appreciate the company too.

An elderly lady here (pre-Covid) had outlived her family and friends. She was often in her front garden, chatting to neighbours or passers-by and was 'adopted' by a lovely family who's parents live abroad.

They helped her with heavy housework etc. and she baked and read to the children. They included her in celebrations and outings and the children just loved her.

roosa
See my thread mum is lonely. Some really helpful replies on there.

I think many club.s. and societies have started again I know WI have which I think is an excellent organisation if she was willing to go. They usually have someone posted to look out for new members. Most have sub groups like book club, crafts and walking.

Contact Age Concern. Their whole business is based around visiting people at home and giving them company.

Definitely look into Re-engage and their tea parties. My friend hosts these and she says everyone really enjoys themselves ?

Groups have started again here my relative who is of a similar age attends U3A which have groups with all different interests they also go out for Sunday Lunch once a month
There maybe one near you

I assume she does not use a computer, otherwise I would suggest she sees if any of the groups she attends meet on Zoom.

It is difficult, a group I belong to that was returning to meeting in person, ha, following omicron gone back online onlyfor Jan-March.

Are any of them on Zoom when you are around and could you take a laptop round so she could watch it? My group meets monthly on a Saturday afternoon.

She might want to consider moving into a retirement complex if she doesn’t need care. They have communal lounges and lunches and organise activities. Many societies are starting up again.

Should have said we know elderly couple who moved into such a block and love it. He is more sociable than his wife and is on several committees in the block and they go to the restaurant every day for lunch.

Roosa, the key question might be about how she might go outside her home to social meetings. My local free magazine lists WRI and similar meeting that are actually taking place. I presume face coverings, open windows, and social distancing are observed at such meetings

@Caleo She walks to her gatherings. She is literally .2 miles from a branch of Age Concern UK, .1 mile from her church (around the corner) about .2 miles from the Archive she volunteers at. She lives .1 mile from a Coop and the greengrocers/butchers, etc are down the block. She lives in a huge Georgian townhouse in the middle of the market town. Everything is there including a decent bus service to a larger town, but she doesn’t like the bus. She is very well off and has money for a taxi. A lot of these meetings have been stopped in the pandemic, and are online, or not happening. She also has a neighbour she sees, and people in an outlying village who are friends that we can ask to check on her.

@M0nica she does use a computer, a Mac Mini we bought her about 6 years ago and showed her how to use, but when I asked her why not go online, she now told me it has problems with ZOOM. So, I bought her a new Ipad online and it is on the way to be delivered to her tomorrow (with the smart keyboard) after husband went over yesterday and showed her his and how it worked. Huband is going over this weekend to set it up and download everything and show her how to use it, and check the wireless connection again. I also have a spare set of nice headphones I can give her.

@KatyJ Thanks for the suggestion of looking for the other thread. Much appreciated.

I also emailed her a list of telephone numbers for telephone befriending and said if she doesn’t want to call them, I can sign her up online with her consent.

I’m not sure what else I can do. I suppose if she would rather live in a small flat in a retirement community for more company, that is up to her, but it doesn’t seem so.

My husband just finished rewiring her cellar and putting in LED lights for her over the Christmas holidays. She didn’t want to come over for Christmas, and didn’t want us to come there as she didn’t want to host (fair enough), so I bought a huge hamper, flowers, chocolates and delivered it to her. That seemed to go down well, so that’s good.

From what you have given us I would strongly try to persuade her NOT to opt for a care home. Sheltered housing with communal activities sounds more what she needs. I know this because I work in care and people there do not provide the friendship and stimulation your MIL needs.

My MiL, sadly departed, moved into a McCarthy & Stone apartment which she just loved. She had security, company, activities and her own little flat.

roosa you seem to be doing everything you can and your MiL is very well situated.

Do you think it is what I call the 'omicron effect'. She is fed up by the restrictions of pandemic life that makes contact with peole so difficult, but at the same time your energy and will to do anything about it has gone as well.

I had a short term and unplanned visit to London just before Christmas. I went to an art gallery while DH went to the theatre (only one ticket was available and the play did not interest me). That one outing was completely revitalising, and if I have a good resoltion for this year, it is to repeat this experience at least once a month. Not necessarily, in fact, probably not to London, but just out, to a museum or art gallery or whatever, as long as it is off my usual patch.

Galleries and Museums are usually large wide and spacious and, in winter, midweek, do not have many visitors.

Perhaps this is your MiL's malaise and she just needs a sudden outing to reset her mind.

I don’t think it’s her age I think it’s covid. I’m 56 divorced and live alone. It didn’t bother me living alone but since covid as come and everyone were in lockdown and I sat watching news constantly putting us into fear morgue. Ive have never felt so alone. I used to visit an old lady and she won’t let anyone into her house for fear of covid. Her son put her into care home last month for same thing and since she as joined she won’t come out of her room. Covid as made us a very loner country. I speak to everyone when I’m out because I think I might be the only person that they speak to that day. But ppl have stopped talking to each other since covid arrived. I’d say everyone should say hi or smile at each other and yes you can tell someone is smiling for behind a mask ?

I recommend Valerie F 's experience and advice applies to your mother in law.

There is quite a bit of Extra Care Housing in our area - Wales. The residents have their own apartment but there are communal areas, a hairdressers, dining room and a cinema in some.

Some of them include a lunch each day and organise events and outings (pre Covid)

Maybe your MIL would be happier with something like this as there would be other people who are there for the same reason - loneliness

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. We’ll see how she likes the IPad…she seemed quite excited about it, and I’ve referred her to Age UK. She’s lived in the same area for almost thirty years, and then before that in a village only 5 miles from where she is now, so if she were to get sheltered accommodation, she said it would have to be in town or nearby. It is a rural area, and there isn’t a load. DH did some internet research, took the afternoon off, and then took her on a little drive and showed her the outside of the three sheltered accommodation places that were nearby to see if she liked the look of them so we could book a tour later, and she didn’t seem keen at all…it would be swapping a very nicely decorated house full of antiques for a 1-bedroom flat or a small bungelow, and I think she’s starting to realise…..

She also realised that the area headquarters for Age UK is a 7-10 minute walk away and had no idea about what they had to offer. When younger, she did a lot of things like volunteering for Boy’s Brigade, did locums (retired pharmacist) and was involved in Civic Society before COVID, but not a lot of just communal activities like tea parties and such unless it was with her Church. She is realizing (I think) that she could stay at home and make more use of what is around her and there are new people to meet.

And thanks again ValerieF for pointing out the different between sheltered accommodation and care homes. She really doesn’t need a care home…still mentally sharp and mobile and no real underlying health issues…takes blood thinners, but that’s about it.

I think we are going to see if we can ride out the pandemic, and then see what she wants to do when she may be in a better frame of mind. I did notice when there weren’t as many restrictions last summer she didn’t feel the need to contact us very often and was going to church and activities outside. As M0nica and Nannashirlz have suggested, it may well be the COVID effect and/or winter blues.

We’ll keep trying and suggesting and offering possibilities and see what happens. We’ve thought about a twice weekly visit for a while, and I’m going to download the Kindle app for her Ipad and put some books on it she would enjoy and get her some new needlework kits, maybe sit with her with a seed catalogue and help plan out her small garden and get her to try some new veg varieties.

Thanks again for all your kindness and thoughts.

Not offering advice. Just wanted to say how caring you and your husband are.

I was about to say exactly the same as nadateturbe

Speaking from experience when you are lonely what helps the most is having family around you, knowing that they care and making you feel important.. My advice would be to involve her in your family more Be sure that family visit her more often