Accidental caring responsibilities

Perhaps it would be better if he went back to live in his own home, and you both enjoy each other’s company as and when you want it. You shouldn’t allow yourself to become a carer again, in my humble opinion.

I agree with maddyone.

If he really isn't listening to you, and just assuming that he is staying in your home and you are going to continue to do all the work, then that isn't fair on you at all. As you say, Covid changed a lot of things. If it hadn't happened would he have moved in?

Are you able to speak to his children? Just tell them that although you didn't mind during the Covid epidemic, you are not fit enough to take on a caring role full-time.

It is difficult, I know, when you have a kind and caring nature, to deny somebody your help. But, you know your limitations and need to sort this out sooner rather than later. It does sound like he is taking advantage of that kind nature.
It is your home, your choice. It may mean that you lose his friendship, but feeling as you do - that friendship is going to suffer anyway.

I agree having also cared for my husband in his last years I know I couldn’t do it again you need to take care of your own physical and mental health in my opinion.

Oh dear Pammie, having looked after my dh with covid for only 3 days I am already flagging, due in part to being in pain myself so really sympathise.
If that were me if your partner is refusing to speak to his adult children then I know I would have to. Not only for myself but he is their father and presumably they would be upset to find out later how difficult this has been fir you coping alone.
Until they know the situation they can’t help/support. I hope that something satisfactory can be arranged soon.

It would seem sensible fir him to move back to his home and then if care is needed this can be arranged by his children. You can remain involved too if you wish of course but you wouldn’t be doing the caring alone and wearing yourself out in the process.

How far away is his house? I think it will be a difficult subject to broach. My partners dad moved in with his lady friend but kept his bungalow. He took her to hospital appointments and looked after her a lot. Over the last couple of years he has been in and out of hospital too and eventually when he was due to leave hospital she said she couldn't cope and he would have to go back home. They still see each other and he stays over sometimes. They are both nearly 90 now and luckily he still drives as they are a couple of miles apart.

Hello everyone and thank you so much for your thoughtful and understanding responses.

It is a difficult situation and the caring has seemed to have gradually happened. Whilst I do enjoy not being lonely- which was awful - the downside/caring responsibility it too much of a compromise.

I’m going to sleep on my approach for a few days….re read your responses and think carefully about how to communicate with him - and make sure he actively listens.

He is resistant to being open with his children - that’s a family trait. So if he won’t then I will have to. It is the right thing to do for everyone’s sake - not least for his future care.

Please do send any more thoughts - really has helped my confidence to deal with this delicate situation.

Thanks again x

Also agree with Maddyone. Ive been a carer for someone, though not a partner. It is one of the hardest things Ive ever done and like yourself, in no rush to do it again. Your partner is being very selfish in not telling his adult children the true picture. If, God forbid, your health gets worse, what is the plan? Nobody can go on forever and I think it's never considered the impact caring has on the carer's health. You have much to consider. Wishing you the best.

Well the house and garden and working will still be your responsibility, whether he’s there or not.

So what is it your having to do for him. Can he buy in the help he needs? Can you both contribute to help in the house and garden if you still enjoy his company.

Or is it the being tied down that’s the problem? I do understand that and wouldn’t do it again as I did for my husband,

If it’s that then it’s time to ask him to move back into his own home and then you only need give the time you want.

I know someone who remarried and loved her new husband dearly but….. they lived in their own houses because she said he was too messy and drive her mad! They do now live in the same house, a new house for both of them.

Thank you all for you very valid points and possible options to consider.

Peaseblossom - you make some good points too re house/garden/work. You’re right - I’ll still have all those responsibilities but what I find difficult is having to multi task between those tasks and then shopping/cooking/cleaning etc. If I’m honest he could help with the some easier chores but seems to ‘never feel well’. I suspect that’s shorthand for ‘I’d rather not’. But he can clean his car when he wants to!!

Also - if I’m honest I shy away from potential conflict but that’s not healthy. more honest and mature communication is needed rather than me just getting on with it. I tried it in the summer and he stonewalled me. Not great as things then tend to fester.

Also he and his children seem very selfish and self centred. Having observed and listened to family stories I think that is how they function. So as far as they’re concerned I’m not sure they’ll support him

Right, Pammie. Big girl knickers on. I hate confrontation and conflict too, but really this isn't on at all.

Lazy old sod - I'd rather not indeed. Bugger that. This is YOUR life. We're similar ages, you and I, and I would be telling him to bog off home and look after his own house and you look after yours.

Sorry - bit blunt I know, but reading this has made me very, very cross indeed.

Agree with Maddyone.

Agree with Dottygrans method.

Feeling the way you do, and I am not criticizing you, I fully understand why you feel as you do, I think you need to TELL not ask him to move back to his own home.

You are not married to him, so have no responsibility for taking care of him.

IF he really cannot take care of himself, it is his responsibility to solve the problem. He cannot expect you to look after him.

To me it sounds as if he is abusing your friendship .

Have you any relations or friends who will help you get this man out of your home?

When OH and I moved in together a couple of years ago I quickly became aware that he wasn’t remotely interested in anything domestic. Cleaning, cooking, shopping, DIY, garden (especially not garden), and wasn’t going to change.

He was quite happy to pay someone else to do it though, so I followed his lead and just do the bits I’m happy to do, instead of trying to do it all.

It took all the tension out. The feeling of being put upon.

But I like his company. He’s good fun. Your man sounds a bit of a misery?

Made me laugh Dottygran - you’re right though…. it will be time to don my big girls knickers! Sometimes courageous conversations are necessary. And one way or another his children will be informed - if not by him then I’ll do it. They need to know the true picture and I need them to know.

And thanks Allsorts and Maddyone too and all of you lovely grans out there! Gives me confidence to get the ball rolling. Must say though that I am partly responsible for letting things drift.

What a great support gransnet is! X

You are totally reasonable on feeling this way.

Being a carer is a choice and a calling, not a forced responsibility

About his AC - honestly, if he doesnt want to contact them, it is his right to do so
It is also OP's partner's responsibility to make arrangements for his future care, as he seems to be of sane mind.

About his stories, there are two sides
He is not very considerate to you, so he could behave the same way towards them
I would try to read between the lines and not take anything at face value

If I were OP, I would not do what he is able to do.

How long does it take to refurbish a house!. August 2019, it is possible to refurbish a house in 16 months so why is he still in your house.

You need to speak to his children, they should know that their father isn’t well and they shouldn’t expect you to have to care for him.

You should get help in the house and you should get him to pay for it. There is so much more to do when there are 2 of you, cleaning, laundry, cooking etc.,

You are being a cater again so please get it sorted out. Talk to his children or ask him to go back to live in his own house. Tell him what you are telling us, that you are finding it all too stressful.

If you were back living on your own you would be able to think more clearly about what you really want from this relationship.
You do know that you don’t want to end up being a cater again. I have watched my best friend do this for the past 7/8 years and it isn’t much fun. I wouldn’t want to do it ever.

But you HAVEN'T let things drift - you tried to talk to him about it in the summer, but he didn't want to engage (surprise suprise) And you say yourself that you don't like confrontation and are caring, TBH I think I would have done the same. Trundle on, weighing up the pros and cons, loneliness or this low grade resentment. What really wound me up was knowing that you're still working more than half the week, have all the upkeep of the house whilst having been ill yourself and this lazy old sod did NOTHING to help make your life easier. 'I don't feel well enough to help you' - OOOOH I'm right proper mad.

You have NOTHING to reproach yourself for and everything to gain by telling him to sod right off and getting your house and life back. Let's see how THAT focuses the mind eh? Let's see how well he feels when he's faced with the prospect of running a home - just as you have had to. You deserve so much more after caring for your darling late husband.

Well, Pammy56, I wish you the best of luck. You know you have to do it, and I think you will. I think you probably needed to hear your instincts confirmed by other GN’s, and I really hope the comments have given you the courage you need.
It sounds as if, from what you say, that his family are quite content to let you continue doing what you are doing, hiding behind the “selfish and self centred” curtains, but they need to be told, in no uncertain terms, that their Father is their responsibility, not yours. You are not his wife, nor his paid carer, so they need to step up to the mark and take on the main responsibility of his care. He needs to pull his weight, too, by the sounds of things. Definitely time for him to go home. Take care of you.?

I think writing this post has helped you clarify your thoughts, and you are beginning to realise you are being used, by this man and his family.
Recently widowed, not well enough to help in the house, stonewalls discussions, won't discuss with family....all that rings alarm bells.
You have to decide what you want, which I think is continue the relationship but to live separately, so you must tell him firmly, and stick to it.I doubt if his family will support you as I think they probably have you lined up as his carer.

I saw a similar situation with the father of someone I knew. He was a very charismatic vicar who took up with an unmarried lady soon after the death of his wife; she quickly became part of the family and thought he was going to marry her. No chance; he had selected her to be his carer, far too devoted to the memory of his wife ever to marry again. In the end her own family removed her and wouldn't let her return; she was exhausted and the whole of his -oh -so- saintly family knew it and used her.
Get him out now.

I have already asked on another thread why people do not deal with things and talk when a problem arises, because the longer a problem lies undealt with the more difficcult it is to deal with when the car crash happens.

In this case, the car crash would be you, Pammie having a breakdown, physical and/or mental. You know your partner would certainly not commit himself to care for you as you are caring for him.

So grit your teeth and tell him that now lockdowns are becoming less likely, it is time for him to move back into his own home. Tell him that you rather enjoy living on your own and while being together during lockdown made sense, you would now like your house to be yourself again,without someone else living with you, then fix a date for him to move out, do not let him delay fixing that date. Having fixed date, if he shows no sign of moving, when the day comes get the locksmiths in when he is out, change the locks and put his belongings in plastic bags on your drive or in the street as appropriate.