Accidental caring responsibilities

Does your daughter live nearby, Pammy? If so, maybe you would feel better letting her know when you plan to have this conversation with this man so she can come round to support you should he get stroppy and starts giving you a hard time. It sound like he knows just how to manipulate you, so knowing she is free to pop over to support you if he tries should make him back down. My son was on hand to support me when I kicked my lazy, selfish partner out and it was a huge comfort.

I think you need to have the conversation and get your partner to take responsibility for his care.
I cared for DH for the last year of his life, he would not tell anyone he was ill and would not accept outside help.
By the time he died I was physically and mentally exhausted and felt I was being further punished when DS received a letter from his uncle's wife saying they were disgusted that I could not let them know DH was dying. I did not know he was so close to death.
I would never take on caring at that level again, think carefully about committing yourself.

I am a little worried by your comment 'it may not happen overnight'. I realise you cannot leap up tomorrow morning and tell him to be gone. But that phrase could so easily become an excuse for postponing a decision and action.

I think that could also apply to seeing a counsellor. Another 'reason' (excuse) for postponing the decision that you know is the only way out of this situation.

See a counsellor, by all means but do not make giving notice to this cuckoo in your nest contigent on this action.

Give him notice and then see the Counsellor to talk the decision through and how you feel after making a decision that goes against all your nature.

Totally agree with Sashabel and Monica - PLEASE don't delay action. This shouldn't be hard, but you are so caring that you can easily procratinate to postpone the difficult conversation. I know that you will understand what I'm saying.

Let's be totally honest here. All you want is your house back. That's it. His illness (yeah, that one, the one that prevents him from washing the pots but allows him to wash his car) is not your responsibility. Neither are his future plans. You are in a relationship that has run it's course and you want him to move out. It really is as simple as that. Don't overcomplicate it. Don't be drawn into discussions about what he will do without you and all that bollix - not your concern.

I sound hard. I'm not, not at all, I'm a right softie and in your position I would be on here asking for support and advice from Wise Grans - and would welcome it and read and listen carefully and still find it incredibly hard.

So harden your heart. Remember - the relationship has run it's course. Co habiting was only meant to be temporary. Everything else is just fluff - don't let him or his entitled spoiled kids try to guilt trip you.

Counselling will almost certainly give you the courage to do what needs to be done, and help you to deal with the inevitable guilt that as a lovely, caring lady you will feel - but DON'T let it be the shove that you need to get rid of the freeloading old codger. You have had the shove - from us - ladies of your generation, many of whom have first had experience. Brace yourself. Just do it - we'll be behind you shoving for all we're worth

Good evening Grans

Sorry for the radio silence. Slept most of the day - possible after effects of the flu jab.

You’ve all - without exception- said it’s time for him to go. Just couldn’t see what a user he turned out to be until recently. I shan’t hesitate but I need to get proper advice and dot all the i’s and cross all the T’s. That’s me being pedantic but better in the long run!

On a personal level - I will feel guilty - how I’m made unfortunately! But that won’t stop me as I know I have to take care of me first. I also know I’ll be more content on my own.

He might try to plead - there again he might not! Have to prepare for the pleas….hence the counselling!

Also there may be a need for a formal tenancy agreement- again it’s erring on the side of caution.

That’s a good suggestion about My daughter…. she and SIL leave nearby so they can be here if needs be.

I cant thank all you Grans enough for your support and confidence boost.

I’ll keep you updated asap xxx

I feel that reading between the lines you are fond of him but maybe not in love with him
It’s hard because it’s gone on for a while so he’s got used to living with you nearly 2.5 years is a long time I understand you ve been happy to not be alone in CoviD times, but that’s not totally fair unless you made it quite clear that it was a temporary situation only
I think it’s harsh to call him a cuckoo in the nest We were both glad of the company and not having to live alone it was a mutual agreement and it appears you didn’t give him a time limit or even a clue that you didn’t want a full time live in lover however as he’s now turned out to not be the perfect man you have every right to end it but I hope he won’t feel used
It may end the relationship and reading between the lines I think you wouldn’t be that sorry I ve always thought living together for a year or two before marriage was the sane thing to do as people can be very different full time as opposed to part time
Good luck and I hope it goes well for you .

he is a lodger, at most, not a tenant.
do not even think of strengthening his position by dabbling with tenancy agreement.
you want him out.
he has no rights as a lodger; and he is not even that really, as it was to be a temporary arrangement.
you dd not advertise for a lodger; the prime purpose was to help out a friend, while his house was being made ready, not to set up as a landlady.
get your daughter and her man to come round often, even if only calling at the door.
let him see that you are not unsupported.
time to go home, time to go home, Pammy is waving goodbye, goodbye.
(apologies to watch with mother; o happy days !)

He is a friend sharing your house and contributing to the costs of the household. He has no legal rights at all. Certainly not a tenant of any kind, possibly a lodger, but I doubt even that.

If you want to be legalistic, you offered him a home, while his house was renovated and but the stay was extended extended to cover the lockdown. The lockdown and the house renovation are in the past. When you tell him to go he has to go.

Why not speak to your local Citizen's Advice? They will have all the legal possibilities, if any, at their fingertips and will reassure you that he has no rights at all, and if he tries to claim any you can use their authority to say he has none.

Just google Citizens Advice and add your local authority name. I tried it with my village name and it showed up the detals for my LA area, so not difficult to find.