One sided hospitality - AIBU?

There are always those who entertain and enjoy it those who let the others do it. Can you not arrange to meet at some general child centred location where all three of you meet together? Perhaps one of them may step up when they see that you aren't inviting anymore. Let the children play together. It is good for them to mix with other children, and, in a way under 'granny time'. In a couple of years the whole dynamic will change and you may stay 'friends' with the other grannies when the children start school. It is all a passing phase so just work with it. Your grandchildren will remember the happy times and, at the end of the day, it is their time.

I would do as SpinDriftCoastal has suggested. It would be a shame for your GS to miss out.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes, we will continue to meet up in neutral locations and at playgroup. I’ve decided not to host lunches & play dates any more though, as it seems unlikely at this stage it will be reciprocated, which is a shame. I do enjoy hosting, but it seems odd on my friends’ part to not want to reciprocate, when they clearly have the means to do so. It’d be a pleasant change for me & dear GS to go to friends for a change! No matter, onwards & upwards 😊

Both friends appear better off than me, bigger houses, retired, comfortably off, time on their hands.

This doesn't mean they are relaxed and comfortable to host in their own homes.
I had a friend who was the opposite: very comfortable to host but a very twitchy guest!

If you all, grannies and children, enjoy your get-togethers it seems a real shame not to carry on.

If it annoys you that the cost or effort is all one-sided you could ask them to do it as a bring-and-share, maybe can one of them bring a cake and one something nice to drink, and you'll provide nice sandwiches or something simple?

So easy to just ask; you are in the power position to had the baton on.

When you meet them at playgroup you could just say pleasantly " Would somebody like to host the next home play/ lunch date? "

If anyone suggest "you as usual" you just shake your head and say " I can't host , the next one " ( no excuse, reason or "sorry".
If anyone asks why you just shrug and say " No reason, but we can all share",

If nobody is willing to host just let it lapse.

I’ve had a friend of many years. We go out to lunch, see a show etc, but I’ve never been in her house. She has been to mine many times.
I just accept that she has her reasons.

I have a neighbour with a lovely looking house from the outside who for many years never invited anyone in. However a few years ago she had an accident and other neighbours and myself rallied round to look after her. What a shock! She is a hoarder and her house was very dirty like something out of one of those television programmes!
I mention this because I wonder if your friends, like my neighbour, might be hiding the state of their homes. You never know.
I would, as others have suggested, ask if anyone else wants to host the next play date. Then if they don’t offer, suggest you meet at a soft play centre or somewhere.

In the type of social setting you describe, whilst it was very nice of you to host, I personally wouldn't have the expectation of it being reciprocated. Not everyone, for a myriad of reasons would necessarily want to go to the bother of arranging a lunch. Some like to host, some don't, It doesn't really matter whether they live in big house or not, maybe they're at a stage in their life, when they just can't be bothered with any of that anymore. Life does move on for some. It's good enough that they're stepping up to the plate in being a supporting grandmother, maybe that alone wears them out.

I remember post natal meets ups, from years ago in our respective houses , half a dozen mothers and babies, it was bedlam, some of us finally admitted," lets knock this on the head", especially when some of the mothers produced baby number 2. Anyway, having said all that, I certainly wouldn't let it spoil the good times you're all having.

With calendar in hand "My daughter suggested we make a rota for playdates, so she can see how much he's getting out. So I did the last lunch, which of you will do the next one? When?

I agree with a post up thread, arrange lunch in a child friendly setting or with summer and hopefully better weather coming suggest each of you brings a picnic to a local park. No need to host and no need to agonise over why the others don’t host, it could be anything from a grumpy DH to an untidy house.

Oh , I'd pull the plug . Summers here so suggest a picnic in the park where you all just bring your own snack .
They probably don't want the children running around in their homes or going to the expense of feeding them but of course happy to accept from anyone else offering .
They'll keep their homes a child free zone and come to yours lol 😆

Fallingstar oh sorry I seem to have suggested the same as you , great minds think alike 😉

There could be a number of reasons why they dont want to host.

1. Feel they cant cook/host well enough
2.Their partners say no.
3. They argue a lot with their partners[I had one once where I found out what the problem was, the partner was sleeping on the couch as they had started divorce proceedings and she didnt want people to know at that point[fair enough].
Once I found out anyway, she was more than happy to host.
4.Their house is a mess. Perfectly possible even with a nice house.
5. They have something they dont want people to know about.
4.

When my GC were little I met other grandmothers at 2 different playgroups. We became friendly but met up on neutral ground such as parks and soft plays. I think the main reasons that your hospitality isn’t returned is either that they don’t want children running around in their homes and possibly damaging something or that their husbands are at home and don’t want the intrusion.
My advice is to meet up outside the home and let the friendship continue. It’s good for the children and for the Grandmas too!

Yes,what ButterandJam says- i would have said that last time i hosted- i'd have said it when/if one of them said "this is nice" or even "thanks for having us" or some such at the end- replied "yes its lovely but one of you can have a turn next time"- i'm sure if you need to you could always give an excuse,(not that you shoud have to, but might be simpler to?) Maybe having work done or something, or that your GS would love to see all so&so's toys etc.

I’m not a natural hostess and maybe these other grannies aren’t either. I find it hard work - I’m not lazy (or maybe I am!), but it’s not something I like to do. I agree that meeting on neutral ground would be the solution. Why should you do it all?

But yes,if they dont offer, just arrange at a play place or something or just at playgroup.Its possible they both were'nt looking for new permanant close friends, but have taken you up on your offers of lunch so as not to offend you?But are happy to just stick to having just 'playgroup friends' so they've someone to chat to whilst there.Worth considering🤔

Just stop making the "come to lunch at mine" offers & see how you all go🤔......

You could invite them after lunch , say 2 o clock and just do tea and biscuits

I actually hate hosting anything now I'm on my own and get dreadfully anxious when I have to do so. Clean the house, decide what to provide for food/snacks, what will people like, can't bake so will have to be shop bought, will I get clumsy and drop something as happened previously, I just find it dreadfully stressful. I would much rather met up in a cafe or restaurant and pay the bill for everyone.

Some of us like to host, you clearly do. Some of do not enjoy hosting, probably your new friends are in that group. So be it.
Do what you do and let them do what they do. Just crack on and enjoy life without overthinking.
Have fun. Your grandchild will benefit from your skill and your social confidence.

BabciaA - you say you've enjoyed the occasional adult evening with these grandmas - were such times also in your home or did you go out somewhere? Occasions spending time with these people without the responsibility of their grandchildren do provide opportunities for wider topics of conversation and if continued might give you a better insight into their domestic situations which so far you are only guessing at. A bigger home could be palatial but it could also be, as others have said, hiding several problems - hoarding, old carpets/furniture/unco-operative partner, etc.

Before you pull the plug I would try, for the sake of your grandson and the other children who are building relationships with each other, to find some way of sustaining what you've started. That would mean not moving directly to a neutral play zone but rather gently raising the issue and saying something like "I'm unexpectedly free next x and wonder if we can meet for lunch and give the little ones chance to play together BUT I'm afraid I can't host because ..... That said I'm happy to bring a cake if anyone else can do it" That's not confrontational and unlikely to cause embarrassment if you give as a reason for not being able to host, something that these women might be able to relate to.

I'm always the one who offers to host. I've always done it. Some "friends" I've known for years and years but never had an invitation.

I have a big house with a lot of space plus parking space and I often host volunteers who help me with cleaning and gardening in exchange for their board so it looks as though I find it easy.

However I am currently trying to sell my house and move to a smaller house. It will be interesting to see if I have so many, or any, visitors.

I would nip your current arrangement in the bud Babcia. and tell the others that you would prefer to change venue each time.

They might life in bigger houses but it doesn’t mean they are inclined to entertain there. Being well off and retired doesn’t mean they want to share their food just because they’ve enjoyed your hospitality…….and they might be crap hosts, have minging houses and no idea on how to cater. You may have swerved a bullet OP……enjoy your time on neutral ground and focus on your own GC. Keep going to the toddler group, he will soon make friends with other little ones, who might come from more socially inclined families.