Daughter and family in Australia

Hello. I understand how you feel. Our son went to study in the US when he was 23. He is now 45, has a great job, a gorgeous partner, a wonderful daughter and beautiful home. Even all these years later I do feel sad sometimes but have accepted things. It really is time, but I wonder if it is felt more when it is a daughter? The main thing to me is to see him happy.
I have a daughter here, married to a lovely man, and 2 lovely children. We moved across the country to be near them, and so glad we did.
I hope hearing all the stories will help you a little.
I really think a group for overseas children is excellent idea. I wanted to start one when my US granddaughter was born. 'Grans across the sea!'

We bring them up knowing the world is accessible to them and even a few miles can feel like they are half way around the world. How sad that you are feeling so emotional at the moment and I hope things feel better for you soon. We, in our household, are not in your position and it seems like there are some good suggestions for you to choose from. We liked the idea of a house swap so much so that we will look to doing that here in the uk. Good luck with it all.

My DS and his 6 (!!!) kids live in the UK and me, I live in the S of France. He is getting divorced and has the 2 youngest GC living with him. He is going through custody etc. I am stuck here due to dogs, but mainly succession proceedings. So I can't be there for him, except virtually. He was still married when my DH pased on, but came over for a month to look after me. I feel bad I can't do the same, now with his problems, but I can't. Like you we do lots of WhatsApping. It's not the same, and doesn't replace a cuddle, or holding DGC in your arms. That is sure.
We have plans for next year when all should be over, beaurocracy wise.
It is hard to be far away, but if they are happy in Australia they are making a new life there. Try to encourage them, as it is an opportunity for all of them.
I get sad too, when I here maternal GM say she doesn't want our DGD to stay (she is slightly hyper) or DiL who abandonned the kids. If only...
But I can't be there. I live here since the 80', and DS moved back in the 90's. We are very close even though.
When you go back to see your DD and family why don't you hire a camper? Cheaper than a flat and you could profit over a school holiday, and travel with them maybe. I think it would be my choice... although each to his own.
Can DD and GC at least come turn about, to see you and her family? Even if you need to help her with fares, it would be easier maybe.
I hope you get into a state where you can be happy for them, and arrange visits more easily.
True that nothing can replace physical presence. But 20 years ago there was no face to face, only phone or write, so we are lucky to have at least that, I think.

It is very hard for us when our children immigrant. We just have to keep in mind how happy they are, the opportunities are a lot better and life seems to be healthier. As another poster suggested, pay their fare over here if you can rather than you travelling.. When going to sleep think about all the good times with them and focus, before dropping off, on those that live in the UK.

nanna8

I was just trying to think of a good place to stay half way between here and the UK. It is more in thirds like Singapore or Kuala Lumpur is one third, Dubai the next third. Can’t really think of many places actually half way ! Perhaps Tokyo ? All those places are good and safe.

Is it possible to travel in the other direction and meet in Los Angeles/California? I assume there must be Aus/USA flights.

I agree Bluecat that it would be good to have a group of parents who understand how hard it is to have children and grandchildren on the the other side of the world. My son emigrated to NZ 16 years ago and my only grandchildren were born there. Of course I’m happy that they have a good life and I have many friends and interests but I can’t help feeling sad. I’ve not seen them for 4 years and am not likely to for at least another year.

I was just trying to think of a good place to stay half way between here and the UK. It is more in thirds like Singapore or Kuala Lumpur is one third, Dubai the next third. Can’t really think of many places actually half way ! Perhaps Tokyo ? All those places are good and safe.

I find that the only way to cope is to try not to think about it.

My daughter, her husband and 4 kids emigrated to the USA in 2014. Since then, we have seen them once. We were going to visit them but then they got involved in moving house and it wasn't convenient. Then I got extremely ill and took a long time to recover. They came to the UK in 2020, just before Covid, for work and we spent a lovely week with them.

They have kindly offered to pay for our tickets to visit them but now my husband isn't well enough to travel, even if we could get insurance.

We Facetime regularly and I know they love us but we aren't top of their "to do" list. They have a good life there and I am very glad that they are settled and prosperous. They did talk about coming home but I never thought they would, and I am sure now that my daughter has a job she loves. They have dual nationality now, UK/USA.

Most of the time I can cope, as long as I don't think about it too much. If I let myself think about how far away they are, how the kids are growing up without us, or how much I miss them - I crumble. I focus on the fact that my other daughter and her 3 gorgeous kids live nearby and I am so lucky to have them.

I have often thought that there should be an organisation, even if it was just online, for the parents of people who emigrate. A safe space where all the usual things - it's their choice, you have to let them be independent, they have a good life - arr understood and go without saying. Somewhere that parents could talk about their sadness without being lectured.

OP. I understand how you feel but do try to not resent the things you cannot change! Life is too short.
Our middle daughter, the home bird who we always thought would stay close to us, has been in Australia for over 20 years. She married an Aussie and has 4 children who I have had to watch grow up from a distance, luckily with visits which as I age, become more difficult. It’s hard for her and for me and she gets very homesick from time to time when she can’t be involved in UK family events and has to watch from afar (especially when her Dad died suddenly) but, as her older sister says, somewhat callously, ‘her choice’. As the time passes, it becomes easier and so long as she’s happy, I’m happy. I probably have more contact with her than my other 2 daughters in the UK who are constantly ‘busy’!

My son, his wife and 15 month old son live in China. I haven’t met my grandson and haven’t seen my son for nearly five years. My daughters and their little ones are in England but one is 100 miles away and I actually hear from my son more often than from her!

Thank goodness we do have video calling available. Not so long ago we’d have been waiting for the postman to bring printed photos and video tapes!

I have a friend whose daughter and grandchildren live in New Zealand. Anyway my friend and her husband go to NZ to look after the grandchildren during the long summer holidays. It gives them one to one with their grandchildren and means their mother can still work. It's making the best of the situation.

I’ve nothing to add except to say I’m in the same boat with one living in Australia with my only grandchild and another living in the Uk. It isn’t easy. We just have to get on with it. I found it very difficult especially when two particular friends used to drone on and on about their grandchildren, wonderful sons, daughter in laws, etc etc. I’ve solved that one by distancing myself a bit from them and making other friends who have kids living abroad, no kids, or no grandchildren. They’re not constantly rubbing my nose in how great their lives are. I found this helped me a lot. We are flying out soon for a visit and I’m not looking forward to the long flight but accept I’ve got to do it to see them. I sympathise.

Great idea to meet halfway… trouble is, that would mean in the middle of the Atlantic for me !
I empathise with Sleepless, but I don’t have any other family nearby to help dilute the sadness of missing my family in USA.

Have you considered home exchange as an alternative to renting accommodation when you visit them? We have been home exchanging for over 25 years, home exchange is quite a big thing in Australia and we’ve had several exchanges there. No money changes hands (except for a small annual membership fee) and people generally ask for a stay of a few weeks because of the distance.

My stepson married an American girl and they are expecting their first child soon. That’s what we try to do when we visit them, rather than staying with them.

Have you thought of housesitting. We use Trusted housesitters - sits available worldwide. Then you could stay for longer at reduced cost. Good luck - it’s hard even if they’re happy

I know a number of families who do as Jaylou has suggested. But I really do feel for you!

Could you maybe meet halfway, so you have a holiday together? Rent a villa in a country that everyone would like to visit and all enjoy a nice break. Half the flight time and half the share of a villa. It could become a regular thing and everyone enjoys a break, and exploring a new country together.

My son lives in Oz. He went there 10 years ago and I have 2 grandchildren there. It broke my heart to begin with. I have a daughter not far away and 2 more grandchildren. I am so grateful for them being fairly close and try to make the most of them but it has taken me a long time to get used to my son and family being in Oz. They live pretty close to the in-laws. We have had some lovely holidays visiting them and seeing the country but have not been since Covid. I am so pleased that they have a great lifestyle but it has become extremely expensive and it is a long long journey. We communicate on face time but as you say it is not the same, with the time difference especially. I have got used to it but it is hard.

We have just spent two weeks in California with DS1 and family. They have lived there for nearly 10 years and while we were there he became an American citizen. It was somewhat bittersweet to help him with the questions he needed to answer. There was a sense that we are losing him but he is so very happy with his American wife and two lovely children, I had to feel glad for him. His American parents in law are wonderfully kind and think the world of him and he realises how lucky he is. They both have good jobs and a great lifestyle so I have to keep my emotions in check. We are lucky to have DS2 only half an hour away from us so we see them and our 2 UK DGC a lot.
It is a difficult thing to come to terms with but it does get easier with time. I count my blessings when I think of families I have found way back in my family history who didn't have Skype etc., just the prospect if an occasional letter.

Thank you

As Lucca said BlueBelle’s explained feelings well. Both my son and daughter and 3 grandsons are in Australia and I have no other family here. It’s certainly a wrench but you just have to accept their choices and plan more in your own life. It takes a while but acceptance does get easier.

Btw - ? Lucca

I agree with make the most of the family and friends you have near you

Acceptance comes with time - despite the current challenges

My son has lived in the US for 20 years now. We generally saw each other every year pre-pandemic and hope to get back to that now the worst is over. We have three other DC in the UK and we have to make the best of it, really.

One thing you might consider, Sleepless is paying for at least one of the flights for your dd and family to come over to the UK rather than you visiting them, if the travel is too much for you.

My daughter also lives in Australia,she's married to a lovely Aussie with two adorable children. I accept things the way they are, I'm happy that they are happy, I know they have a great lifestyle. Please try not to let your daughter see how upset you are, it will make her feel guilty and she has enough to cope with looking after a young baby. Regarding the long flights DH always says "it's just one day" my main worry now is the price of flights is shooting up.

BlueBelle

You ll get used to it it just takes time My son and family have been in NZ 25 years now they re very happy, it is what it is, it’s their life
I love my son enough to be happy wherever they live it’s their life and I have never put any pressure on them
In the early days I d have a good cry and feel jealous their other Nan and grandad live around the corner from them but you have to accept it and once you accept it you ll find peace
Life is a about acceptance and letting go especially with those you love the most

Great post Bluebelle.

My son has been in Oz for 12 years. I cried so much in the first few years. I’ve visited and they have visited. Face time is good but it’s not the same. It’s very hard especially now for both me and him with my health situation.

Acceptance is all one can do, but I do still grind my teeth when I read posts on here moaning about AC living “so far away” when they are in Uk ! Or even Europe….