Kirstie's Homemade Hogwash

So – Kirstie’s latest craft-inspired instalment provides us with all the guidance we need to give our Christmas interiors that sought-after designer magic that can only be provided by an over-stuffed aristocrat who is increasingly coming to resemble Leigh Bowery during his “let’s dress up as an armchair” period.

We start with delicious gifts our nearest and dearest will be so delighted to receive - namely “pine syrup”. Yes – syrup with, er, some pine in it. Gather up those Christmas tree off-cuts (the one your hunter-gatherer other half has pulled from a snow-covered forest with his bare hands and a roar and is always at least three feet too tall for the living room ceiling) sweep them up and chuck them in a pan with some sugar syrup. All well and good except Kirstie has clearly overlooked the fact that pine belongs down your toilet and not in a cocktail.

Moving on, and now she’s making popcorn. Magically Kirstie transforms corn kernels into light, golden, puffs by heating it up in a saucepan with a slug of oil. Who knew? Now we all love a bowl of popcorn on a Saturday night in front of the telly but that’s not enough for Kirstie. Oh no. We have to make it festive by mixing it with……..a jar of mincemeat. Which ends up looking like…… a jar of mincemeat. With some bits of popcorn chucked in it. So, you go to grab a fistful of lovely, crunchy, popcorn whilst you’re feasting your eyes on Strictly and encounter a handful of sticky mincemeat with some soggy bits of popcorn in it which you then end up wiping on the sofa. Oh yum.

On to – knickers. Tie-dyed knickers to be precise. A lesson in how to ruin a perfectly fine pair of kecks by wrapping them up in elastic bands and dipping them in a vat full of dye. And then sewing on labels with the days of the week. Because, of course, when I’m at work and I can’t remember what day it is after a night out on the sauce, I’m immediately going to strip off down to my undercrackers in order to check. Has anyone, ever, in the history of lingerie, been delighted to receive a gift of tie-dyed pants? “Oh love, I thought you’d want something I handmade specially for you this year so, instead of spending a week’s salary on silk and lacy raunchiness in Agent Provocateur, I bought a pack of Dylon and transformed your old grey smalls”. Brilliant.

And then, finally, Christmas crafts. Pom poms! Paper flowers! Polystyrene balls covered in glitter! Now maybe Kirstie was too busy at Bedales, learning how to walk whilst balancing a book on her head but, love, the rest of us made all that stuff at primary school. When we were 7. And I have done my time cooing over the kids’ scrunched up bits of tissue paper, distorted snowmen and wonky snowflakes. I swear this was purely an excuse for Kirstie to see how many times she could make legitimate reference to “sticky balls”.

I’ve got an idea for the perfect Christmas present for Kirstie. A proper job .

Bah humbug.