Unattended cremation thoughts, please.

M0nica

A vicar is not the only alternative to having a 'Pure' type cremation. There are humanist ministers whose calling is to preside at all key life ceremonies: marriages, funerals for someone. I have been to quite a number of funerals with a humanist celebrant. The undertaker will be able to recommend some one.

I believe strongly we should leave our descendants to organise the funeral they want, rather than impose on them one we would like. I mean you will be dead so will know nothing about it and even if they tell you they will do everything you want. You will have no way of knowing they actually do so.

Just put the money in a special account or somewhere, so they can access it on you demise and then decide whether to give you decent funeral or put you out for recycling while the family all go on a luxury cruise.

I totally agree with you on allowing the descendants to organise the funeral they want. I had a friend whose father wrote his own eulogy which went on for four A 4 sides. The children cut it right back to two A4 sides. I wrote my mum and dad's eulogy in a light, warm way and felt it summed them up beautifully. When my father-in-law died, he had everything arranged and we felt bereft as there was nothing to do. The family planned my parents funerals, they had mentioned some hymns but the rest was left to us. It was so heartwarming to choose certain poems and readings.

A relative of dh (not close) apparently didn’t want any sort of service or fuss. So dh and I took wine, nibbles and glasses, and (having asked the crematorium staff whether it was OK) we rearranged some chairs and half a dozen of us sat around, shared memories and photos of him, with a glass of wine and nibbles - with his coffin on a stand nearby!

It worked very well, and the crem staff had no objection.

I agree Franbern. Not controlling at all. Just making a difficult time less difficult for family.

I have collected DHs ashes following his unattended cremation and I feel very happy to have them at home for the time being. They are very much part of him. I didn't know how it would make me feel. But for me it feels good and the right decision.

My parents' ashes were scattered at their local crematorium a distance away and in 30 years I have never been back there. But I think of them almost every day. That's the important thing.

But it is very much horses for courses. Everyone to their own decision and don't shout at anyone who makes a different decision. I was shouted at by someone I thought a long term close friend shortly after DH died. I think the friendship is now over, but in a way I have forgiven her.

Franbern - I see catharsis as release, relief and renewel - it's a process towards new beginning.

It isn't tragic
I can't see it as tragic at all.

I have arranged and paid for Co-op unattended cremation.
Neither myself nor any of my children are, in any way, religious.
I have also left some money so that - should they wish - they can arranged some sort of get-togethers (probably call it 'Celebration of Life), Do not really care what they call it - I wont be there!!!

As an Atheist I believe that when I die, that is it - No, I am not looking down from some mythical place in the sky.

Catharsis!!!! - surely not too much = I am in my mid-80's now, so when I do die - cannot be called tragic in any way.

My Will, LPA's, DNA etc are all in order and my two eldest daughters know exactly where all those papers are. Paperwork on my flat is also in a file with everything in place.

Some, would probably call me a bit of a control-freak, but I live a totally independent life and really do not wish to make those first few weeks following my death difficult for my children.

When my ex-husband died a couple of years ago, his cremation was arranged via the local synagogue as he had paid into their funeral arrangements for well over forty years. Rabbi was told, very clearly by my eldest daughter making arrangements that both her Dad and all the family were atheistic so could he keep any mention of god(s) to the minimum, and was told that would happen. But it did not!!! rabbi kept on and on about this mythical creature causing most of the people there shuffling in embarrassment and my eldest daughter to be so angry and upset.

I have also specified that there is no need to collect the ashes, crem. can do with them whatever they wish.

Well, I live opposite a town centre church built in the 14/15 century surrounded by a graveyard that holds the graves of most of the population of this town from 1500 to mid 19th century. I love walking round the graveyard and imaginig the lives of all the people there whose gravestones still stand and have legible descriptions, and think of all the others nterred there

I hope my children will give me the funeral I want, which is to be buried in the churchyard of the church I attended for over 30 years so that I become one with soil I am interred in. I am not remotely bothered about being tended to, visited or anything else. Just to lie in a country churchyard in peace and quiet until all trace of me has gone.

Natural burial site often are only for (say) 50 years.
No need to tend them.

The other thing that made me opt for a simple cremation is …. who would look after my grave I have one daughter in my town, the rest are hundreds or thousands of miles away . Who knows my daughter may well move away when I disappear, and what is worse than an unvisited gravestone looking unkempt year on year.
None of us know what the future holds for our children and grandchildren do we really want to add gravestone cleaning, tidying and regular flowers to their lives.
I didn’t

We had a humanist celebrant conduct my mother’s service at the crematorium. She took a lot of trouble to find out about my mother and wrote a nice speech. I don’t think any of us wanted no ceremony at all, but I think some of her friends were a bit surprised that there was no vicar. I don’t know what I’d want, I think I’d leave that decision to those left behind, the ceremony is really to help them after all, I’ll be gone.

Could you ask your funeral director for suggestions other than church?
My DH was cremated unattended, after a relatively elaborate non-religious ceremony put together by the family.
My Christian sister also led some prayers for those who wished to pray. We had refreshments afterwards including champagne. The ceremony felt right as a memorial to the man.

I’m baffled as to why a vicar would attack Pure Cremations. I’m a Christian and very definitely don’t want a funeral of any kind. Not everyone gets to have a funeral- think of war and disaster situations where bodies are never recovered. Thinking of funerals I’ve been to, I can’t honestly put my hand on my heart and say they have helped me in anyway. In fact the last one I went to was planned and organised in advance to the nth degree and served only to confirm in my mind that it was the last thing I wanted! I don’t think this is something that is right or wrong - it’s a purely personal choice for people involved, regardless of beliefs.

Funerals are for those left behind. I will leave my family to decide what send off they have for me. My only stipulations are that I should be cremated and it should be non religious.
My brother who died almost 2 years ago had prepaid for a Pure Cremation ( agreed with his wife). However I and several others in the family found it very difficult not having that personal goodbye. Don’t think I have explained my self very well .

In the situation of the death of a child Elusivebutterfly I think a funeral is so important for the reasons you state.

In the case of my DH he was 82 and had been ill for so long. I had been his carer and I and my younger daughter were exhausted. Severe illness made my older daughter's appearance st a funeral impossible. So my choice of an unattended funeral was perfect for us. Doesn't suit everyone of course...as I have found out.
All those who would have been invited to an attended funeral were asked to think about him on the day.
I took great comfort in hearing they did and where they were.

I see people have taken exception to me using the term closure. Someone else used the word catharsis, which is probably better.

There is no easy explanation for the fact that I felt a funeral ceremony was essential to mark my son's life. Otherwise it would feel like he had just disappeared, or never been.

My father died recently and we had a church service on a date of our choosing followed by an unattended cremation the next day. No long wait for a crematorium date and a smaller bill which paid for a few drinks at the wake.

I believe that it should be up to those left behind who decide how they wish to say goodbye.

Bibedybop

Tanya5

I receive my local church magazine - C of E - but don't go to church but a friend does go.

In a recent magazine the vicar attacked 'Pure Cremation / Unattended cremation' I think very unfairly.

If people want it why not, I say? For myself I could envisage that, and leave some money for faily and friends to have a gathering at which I could be remembered.

I can't see whats wrong with that. I'm uneasy about getting a vicar I hardly know to take charge of things.

What do you think?

It’s got bugger all to do with him.

And might the vicar be irked at the loss of income?

My views on this may be unusual. For me it’s the funeral itself which is very important. Not a “celebration of life”’but an act of grief and sadness.
As for the get together afterwards, in my family we always just went home quietly after briefly speaking to people outside the church or crematorium. The only exception was when my aunt died.
Refreshments were offered at the house as most people had travelled some distance. As for alcohol being served that’s out of the question in my opinion

shysal
My daughters are happy with the arrangement - THIS is key I think.
Good to have your own ideas but I feel very positive about the catharsis of a funeral.
My mother-in-law's recently was not religious but was lovely.
It was held at the crematorium - but she wanted to be buried (and was).

There was a fee for using the facility but not a lot.

Did not attend church for many years . When husband died Celebrant carried out Service in lovely funeral home. Reception held in hotel. Did not attend cremation. Sons and I did not see point or any benefit in turning up to see coffin being carried into crematorium at 8 am 2 says later.I want the same. It wasn't one of the advertised type direct funerals, wholly arranged with local undertaker who advised me when he the ashes for collection.
Bit of fun, undertaker had Jaguar hearses and we asked if he would take a specific route- dual carriageway - and drive as fast as possible in the Jaguar to the crematorium. He achieved 65 mph being early in the morning. Husband would have been thrilled just to see folks faces at a hearse going so fast.

We were both for direct cremation, but my children were horrified and wanted ‘a ceremony’, so a basic cremation has been paid for.
If those left chose nuances, that’s fine, I know what MrJ would like and he me.

I always find a funeral service be it church or crematorium is where we find out fascinating facts about the deceased’s past. I am not particularly religious but love traditional hymns . I will opt for cremation but would hate to be alone in those last hours . I have already chosen a couple of pieces of music that I know will make family and close friends smile .

‘Closure’ is imo the incorrect suggestion that ‘closure’ from loss or trauma is achievable.
The feelings will hopefully decrease in intensity and frequency but don’t go away as if a door was closed on them.
Listening to 9/11 survivors and those involved confirms this for me
Mr I died too young when very active in various art, charity, social, fun groups so the Church was full as was the reception.. It was his kind of occasion, filled with those he loved and loved him, family, friends, good food and a side room where we displayed some of his art work and publications. It felt important to me, our children, family and friends to commemorate the loss of a much loved man .

Each to their own. Grief is never easy no matter how hard we try to negotiate it

We have had an unattended funeral for my late DH in the last 10 days.
The funeral directors could not have been more kind and professional.
DH died at home where we said goodbye to him. I had a few sad thoughts of his being alone at the funeral directors, but that would have been the same had he had a "proper" funeral. He would have wanted what was best for us. We are not religious. What an unchristan vicar mentioned in the OP. No income for him from a direct cremation!

I have no second thoughts about it. One "friend " shouted she was shocked by the idea. That wasnt very helpful to me at such a difficult sad time only a few days after he had died after a long illness.
We knew the day of the cremation and I spent it with my daughter at a favourite place for all of us.
I have no regrets. I miss him as much as I would have done after any sort of funeral. Nothing would give me "closure" as someone else said I needed.

We collected his ashes and they are at home till we decide where we will scatter them at a much later date.

You do not need a crowd for a funeral. Just one or two people.

I have no opinions on what kind of funeral people choose to have, I just dislike the idea and practice of people imposing funerals on their family from the grave.

I agree with Monica that the people left behind should choose what to do, although with guidance of what the deceased had preferred.
I organised my son's funeral last year. I felt it was very important to have a ceremony. We had a non religious ceremony with his favourite music and poetry, a eulogy from his friend and a eulogy written by me and recited by the celebrant. We got together for lunch afterwards.
Without a ceremony you feel in limbo. I think a funeral is an important rite of passage/closure.
Also, as he was single with no children, and family and friends spread out, I did not think many people would attend just a get-together.