Unattended cremation thoughts, please.

Well I dare say a vicar would be against such a thing because he is a man of faith. Religious.

My husband thought food and hard when he was dying six months ago about what he wanted and decided in a direct cremation as neither of us are (we’re) religious. I am a Humanist.

My husband respected the fact that funerals could be viewed as support for the bereaved and so he discussed his wishes with me and our two girls.

We three were in agreement that his wishes were paramount. We chose not to know the date and time of the cremation - what would I have done sat by a candle and cried? I (we) were already heartbroken at his death and that date was burned into our minds. We didn’t want another date to mark his passing no thank you.

No regrets. We did what was right for us as a family but recognise others see things differently.

Each to their own.

I understand people saying its up to those left, I'll be dead. But I think relatives and friends like to be able to say, as well "It's what she would have liked."

It seems to me a unattended, or very low attended cremation gives the opportunity for people to gather whenever to remeber and celebrate. However, some may be at a loss as to how to do it. So it seems to me that for me to plan this side of the grave, as it were, is OK. Of course, we don't know the time, but wwe could leave guidance and a sum to pay for an event. That's what I'm coming to.

I find church funerals I've been to OK but sometimes the vicar drones on, and assumes the people are lapsed CofE!

Grandma70s

M0nica - I have talked to my family and friends about my wishes, and they are all happy about having no ceremony.

Exactly the same for me Grandma70s I wouldn’t just do it without checking my family are ok with it either.
As for my ashes my daughter told me she wouldn’t be keeping them on her mantel shelf and I told her I didn't want to sit there either we had a good laugh As I love my beach and sea
I m happy to have a last swim or go to the bluebell woods I like wandering in, I won’t know will I ?
My other two children live overseas one in Europe one in NZ all my relations have already gone, no siblings, no parents, no cousins, no aunts or uncles . A few friends but most in worst age/health than me. Nothing worse than a full on funeral with two or three people there.
This suits us all

Quite a few people around here have had unattended cremations at their request. One lady I knew had 4 adult children and a husband and told them she just wanted them to carry on their normal daytime routine and she didn’t want them buying new outfits! I thought this quite odd at the time but it was her wish.

My husband says he does not want a church service so a private cremation would suit him and he wants his ashes scattering in our horse field.

They did organise a get together on another day. But on the day the cremation happened he felt the lack of ceremony/ closure whatever you want to call it. I suppose I think funerals ( however they are conducted) serve a purpose for those left behind.

Funerals are for those left behind. I feel some rituals to mark significant events can help process feelings. I’ll be buried in the woodland retreat in the double grave where mr I rests. He chose the plot and burial during what we knew would be his last months with us.
I don’t suppose I’d have chosen burial but it was important to him. The woodland overlooks the reservoir where we walked many dogs over many years.

I’m at odds with most people on here.

No, you don’t have to have a church service plus vicar, you don’t have to have a big ‘do’ at the crematorium.

But I would hate to think of my DH making his final journey alone, with no one who loved him being there to ‘see him off’.

It needn’t be a big ‘do’.

Our local Co Op Funeral Home offers an attended cremation service with up to 15 people, very simple and short.

That would be fine for a few close family members, then maybe a gathering for others afterwards.

I think unattended funerals might result in regrets, perhaps a long time afterwards, that a proper goodbye didn’t take place.

And subsequent grief.

Saying goodbye is part of the grieving process, to me, anyhow.

I realise others don’t think the same, and that’s fine.

Tanya5

I receive my local church magazine - C of E - but don't go to church but a friend does go.

In a recent magazine the vicar attacked 'Pure Cremation / Unattended cremation' I think very unfairly.

If people want it why not, I say? For myself I could envisage that, and leave some money for faily and friends to have a gathering at which I could be remembered.

I can't see whats wrong with that. I'm uneasy about getting a vicar I hardly know to take charge of things.

What do you think?

It’s got bugger all to do with him.

Pure Cremations don't stipulate that your funeral must be unattended. Extras can be specified later - music, choice of venue, where the ashes go, etc. The cremation is just what you pay for up front, so you know the basics are paid for - the people who organise your funeral can either stick to that or add in other things at an extra cost. Seems fair to me.

M0nica - I have talked to my family and friends about my wishes, and they are all happy about having no ceremony.

It’s up to my son, I won’t be here. Personally I prefer a celebrant and a do, however I will leave it to him.

my late FIL asked myself and my now ex ( we had power of attorney) to arrange a direct funeral. i agreed with what he said; no one came to see me during the four years in the nursing home so i do not want them at my funeral.
our local funeral place after we had gone to the funeral home to say goodbye, they took him before the crematorium opened for services about 8 in the morning to be cremated. i think it was very caring and i am a Christian I do not consider it a sin

A lot of good sense in this thread. We aren’t going to be here so in the end it’s the ones left behind that will choose. I’m at that age now Apparantley according to all the tv ads where I should be sorting my funeral out!

I don't attend church so I'd feel hypocritical expecting my daughters to organise a church ceremony. I think it would make them uncomfortable and I don't want them to be put out like that. I'll go with Pure Cremations and let my daughters decide what to do. I shall probably leave a request that they have a family afternoon tea somewhere nice.

Only problem is, I have no idea where I want my ashes left. I've lived in four places in the UK and one abroad, and there are two historic family areas as well. I am really struggling because I don't have a proper home. 😒

People never stop fighting about religion, do they? I have a chequered religious past and my beliefs have changed, some might say dramatically, over the years. I still haven't come to a standstill in thinking about God and his alternatives and I would never challenge anyone else's beliefs (political, yes, but spiritual, no). However, my beliefs about organised religion are now pretty much set in concrete. I think that, on the whole, religious organisations - often in spite of their best intentions - have done more harm than good in the world. A very dear lady - a nun, now dead, sadly - once said to me, "To do good in the world, you must hold your beliefs in a very loose grip." I can't think of a better mantra for living in this combative world full of people convinced that only THEY know the Right Things and they feel justified in trying to destroy anyone who thinks otherwise.
You must do what you feel you want to do. If you don't want that vicar to "take charge" of your funeral, then leave clear instructions laying out what you DO want to whoever is going to be arranging it. My DH and I have done exactly that and have gained great peace of mind through doing it.

Grandma70s

I don’t want a funeral or ceremony of any sort. There’s no reason for it unless you’re religious. My remaining family and friends can go out to a good lunch, if they want a way to mark my death.

I just do not understand the mind set that is determined to make friends and family do what the deceased wants after their death, regardless of how those they leave behind are grieving and would choose to remember a friend or family member.

My family know what I would like, but also know they have absolute freedom to dispose of me anyway they choose that will help their grieving.

My younger sister died in a road accident in her 40s. Our parents were still alive and my DF who is very like me coped by organising everything to do with her funeral with no consultation with anybody else. It left my youngest sister and myself, also in our 40s unconsulted and on the outside.

Both of us found having our feelings and wishes at the loss of our lovely sister completely ignored was deeply traumatic and certainly intensified our grief. While the circumstances were different the effect was the same and I would not wish those feelings of alienation and exclusion on amyone.

At a funeral is not what the deceased wants that matters it is what the grieving want that counts.

Me too grandma70 no ceremony of any sort for me it’s all a big waste of money. I ve already paid for my Co- op cheap, no frills cremation and got £200 worth of Co-op coupons to spend in the grocery store 🤣
I ve left some money for a tea or lunch or a get together of some kind if they want it.

I talked it over with my children, especially the one that lives near me and will have to do all the arrangements, the others live overseas. So I am very pleased that it’s all done and dusted with as little left to do as possible.

Think it’s nice to have a funeral although I waited over three weeks to bury my brother and found the whole thing lengthy and unnerving. It was too long to wait. Mind you the after bit sorting everything out has been a nightmare. Each to their own I say.

Galaxy

I am close to someone whose relative just had a pure cremation. He found the whole thing really unsettling and didnt know what to do on the day so to speak.
I think i agree with Monica.

I'm not sure what you mean. Surely the family organise a get together if they wish and I'm not sure why that should be unsettling. If he went to a gathering why should that unsettle him?

I don’t want a funeral or ceremony of any sort. There’s no reason for it unless you’re religious. My remaining family and friends can go out to a good lunch, if they want a way to mark my death.

I am close to someone whose relative just had a pure cremation. He found the whole thing really unsettling and didnt know what to do on the day so to speak.
I think i agree with Monica.

I have a Pure Cremation plan in place. I am a non-believer so this is my choice. My daughters are happy with the arrangement and will celebrate my life as they wish. I would rather the money a proper funeral would cost went to them.
The company seems well established so unlikely to let us down.

A vicar is not the only alternative to having a 'Pure' type cremation. There are humanist ministers whose calling is to preside at all key life ceremonies: marriages, funerals for someone. I have been to quite a number of funerals with a humanist celebrant. The undertaker will be able to recommend some one.

I believe strongly we should leave our descendants to organise the funeral they want, rather than impose on them one we would like. I mean you will be dead so will know nothing about it and even if they tell you they will do everything you want. You will have no way of knowing they actually do so.

Just put the money in a special account or somewhere, so they can access it on you demise and then decide whether to give you decent funeral or put you out for recycling while the family all go on a luxury cruise.

If you don't go to church or plan to be buried in their graveyard, no need have a church funeral with a vicar.

I am seriously thinking of having a pure cremation. Years ago, I remember one of my ds.i.l. telling me, knowing I was a Catholic, ‘H , I hope you’re not going to have one of those long ceremonies in the Church.’ That got me thinking, and more so now . I was told one of the local Funeral directors, is offering this, so I might start shopping around, rather than going through well-known and we’ll-advertised FD.