Unattended cremation thoughts, please.

I understand people saying its up to those left, I'll be dead. But I think relatives and friends like to be able to say, as well "It's what she would have liked."

It seems to me a unattended, or very low attended cremation gives the opportunity for people to gather whenever to remeber and celebrate. However, some may be at a loss as to how to do it. So it seems to me that for me to plan this side of the grave, as it were, is OK. Of course, we don't know the time, but wwe could leave guidance and a sum to pay for an event. That's what I'm coming to.

I find church funerals I've been to OK but sometimes the vicar drones on, and assumes the people are lapsed CofE!

Well I dare say a vicar would be against such a thing because he is a man of faith. Religious.

My husband thought food and hard when he was dying six months ago about what he wanted and decided in a direct cremation as neither of us are (we’re) religious. I am a Humanist.

My husband respected the fact that funerals could be viewed as support for the bereaved and so he discussed his wishes with me and our two girls.

We three were in agreement that his wishes were paramount. We chose not to know the date and time of the cremation - what would I have done sat by a candle and cried? I (we) were already heartbroken at his death and that date was burned into our minds. We didn’t want another date to mark his passing no thank you.

No regrets. We did what was right for us as a family but recognise others see things differently.

Each to their own.

My brother scattered my father's ashes from a cliff top. Unfortunately the wind blew them inland onto somebody's picnic. My father would have been very amused!

I think funerals were much more relevant in the past, when families and friends all lived in the same area. You were guaranteed a good turn out and everyone knew everyone.

Today family and friends are all over the country, or even the world. Many don't know each other and would be unlikely to travel long distances. It's all so different now.

Unless you come from a large family where people observe funerals, or the person was part of a large social group, I can't see the point.

I am sorry, Shysal, but I do not like the habit of scattering ashes in public spaces. Your father may have been amused at his ashes blowing inland but I doubt if the partakers of the picnic were. I was on a country walk once climbing a small hillock and walked into ashes blowing in the wind, which I took to come from a bonfire, only they weren't. Most unpleasant and rather unsettling.

It's the excessive cost of funerals which is making people choose alternatives now.
Personally, as I have so few relatives and friends now, I regard a funeral as a waste of money.
I will let my sons decide of course, but they know what I think.

I agree with Monica that the people left behind should choose what to do, although with guidance of what the deceased had preferred.
I organised my son's funeral last year. I felt it was very important to have a ceremony. We had a non religious ceremony with his favourite music and poetry, a eulogy from his friend and a eulogy written by me and recited by the celebrant. We got together for lunch afterwards.
Without a ceremony you feel in limbo. I think a funeral is an important rite of passage/closure.
Also, as he was single with no children, and family and friends spread out, I did not think many people would attend just a get-together.

You do not need a crowd for a funeral. Just one or two people.

I have no opinions on what kind of funeral people choose to have, I just dislike the idea and practice of people imposing funerals on their family from the grave.

We have had an unattended funeral for my late DH in the last 10 days.
The funeral directors could not have been more kind and professional.
DH died at home where we said goodbye to him. I had a few sad thoughts of his being alone at the funeral directors, but that would have been the same had he had a "proper" funeral. He would have wanted what was best for us. We are not religious. What an unchristan vicar mentioned in the OP. No income for him from a direct cremation!

I have no second thoughts about it. One "friend " shouted she was shocked by the idea. That wasnt very helpful to me at such a difficult sad time only a few days after he had died after a long illness.
We knew the day of the cremation and I spent it with my daughter at a favourite place for all of us.
I have no regrets. I miss him as much as I would have done after any sort of funeral. Nothing would give me "closure" as someone else said I needed.

We collected his ashes and they are at home till we decide where we will scatter them at a much later date.

‘Closure’ is imo the incorrect suggestion that ‘closure’ from loss or trauma is achievable.
The feelings will hopefully decrease in intensity and frequency but don’t go away as if a door was closed on them.
Listening to 9/11 survivors and those involved confirms this for me
Mr I died too young when very active in various art, charity, social, fun groups so the Church was full as was the reception.. It was his kind of occasion, filled with those he loved and loved him, family, friends, good food and a side room where we displayed some of his art work and publications. It felt important to me, our children, family and friends to commemorate the loss of a much loved man .

Each to their own. Grief is never easy no matter how hard we try to negotiate it

I always find a funeral service be it church or crematorium is where we find out fascinating facts about the deceased’s past. I am not particularly religious but love traditional hymns . I will opt for cremation but would hate to be alone in those last hours . I have already chosen a couple of pieces of music that I know will make family and close friends smile .

We were both for direct cremation, but my children were horrified and wanted ‘a ceremony’, so a basic cremation has been paid for.
If those left chose nuances, that’s fine, I know what MrJ would like and he me.

Did not attend church for many years . When husband died Celebrant carried out Service in lovely funeral home. Reception held in hotel. Did not attend cremation. Sons and I did not see point or any benefit in turning up to see coffin being carried into crematorium at 8 am 2 says later.I want the same. It wasn't one of the advertised type direct funerals, wholly arranged with local undertaker who advised me when he the ashes for collection.
Bit of fun, undertaker had Jaguar hearses and we asked if he would take a specific route- dual carriageway - and drive as fast as possible in the Jaguar to the crematorium. He achieved 65 mph being early in the morning. Husband would have been thrilled just to see folks faces at a hearse going so fast.

shysal
My daughters are happy with the arrangement - THIS is key I think.
Good to have your own ideas but I feel very positive about the catharsis of a funeral.
My mother-in-law's recently was not religious but was lovely.
It was held at the crematorium - but she wanted to be buried (and was).

There was a fee for using the facility but not a lot.

My views on this may be unusual. For me it’s the funeral itself which is very important. Not a “celebration of life”’but an act of grief and sadness.
As for the get together afterwards, in my family we always just went home quietly after briefly speaking to people outside the church or crematorium. The only exception was when my aunt died.
Refreshments were offered at the house as most people had travelled some distance. As for alcohol being served that’s out of the question in my opinion

Bibedybop

Tanya5

I receive my local church magazine - C of E - but don't go to church but a friend does go.

In a recent magazine the vicar attacked 'Pure Cremation / Unattended cremation' I think very unfairly.

If people want it why not, I say? For myself I could envisage that, and leave some money for faily and friends to have a gathering at which I could be remembered.

I can't see whats wrong with that. I'm uneasy about getting a vicar I hardly know to take charge of things.

What do you think?

It’s got bugger all to do with him.

And might the vicar be irked at the loss of income?

My father died recently and we had a church service on a date of our choosing followed by an unattended cremation the next day. No long wait for a crematorium date and a smaller bill which paid for a few drinks at the wake.

I believe that it should be up to those left behind who decide how they wish to say goodbye.

I see people have taken exception to me using the term closure. Someone else used the word catharsis, which is probably better.

There is no easy explanation for the fact that I felt a funeral ceremony was essential to mark my son's life. Otherwise it would feel like he had just disappeared, or never been.

In the situation of the death of a child Elusivebutterfly I think a funeral is so important for the reasons you state.

In the case of my DH he was 82 and had been ill for so long. I had been his carer and I and my younger daughter were exhausted. Severe illness made my older daughter's appearance st a funeral impossible. So my choice of an unattended funeral was perfect for us. Doesn't suit everyone of course...as I have found out.
All those who would have been invited to an attended funeral were asked to think about him on the day.
I took great comfort in hearing they did and where they were.

Funerals are for those left behind. I will leave my family to decide what send off they have for me. My only stipulations are that I should be cremated and it should be non religious.
My brother who died almost 2 years ago had prepaid for a Pure Cremation ( agreed with his wife). However I and several others in the family found it very difficult not having that personal goodbye. Don’t think I have explained my self very well .

I’m baffled as to why a vicar would attack Pure Cremations. I’m a Christian and very definitely don’t want a funeral of any kind. Not everyone gets to have a funeral- think of war and disaster situations where bodies are never recovered. Thinking of funerals I’ve been to, I can’t honestly put my hand on my heart and say they have helped me in anyway. In fact the last one I went to was planned and organised in advance to the nth degree and served only to confirm in my mind that it was the last thing I wanted! I don’t think this is something that is right or wrong - it’s a purely personal choice for people involved, regardless of beliefs.

Could you ask your funeral director for suggestions other than church?
My DH was cremated unattended, after a relatively elaborate non-religious ceremony put together by the family.
My Christian sister also led some prayers for those who wished to pray. We had refreshments afterwards including champagne. The ceremony felt right as a memorial to the man.

We had a humanist celebrant conduct my mother’s service at the crematorium. She took a lot of trouble to find out about my mother and wrote a nice speech. I don’t think any of us wanted no ceremony at all, but I think some of her friends were a bit surprised that there was no vicar. I don’t know what I’d want, I think I’d leave that decision to those left behind, the ceremony is really to help them after all, I’ll be gone.

The other thing that made me opt for a simple cremation is …. who would look after my grave I have one daughter in my town, the rest are hundreds or thousands of miles away . Who knows my daughter may well move away when I disappear, and what is worse than an unvisited gravestone looking unkempt year on year.
None of us know what the future holds for our children and grandchildren do we really want to add gravestone cleaning, tidying and regular flowers to their lives.
I didn’t

Natural burial site often are only for (say) 50 years.
No need to tend them.