Bereavement/elderly parent with dementia

(I said I would make the necessary calls myself with his permission, which is when he blocked me.)

I appreciate that he is probably frightened but just now I’m not able to cope with his demands. I know that if he doesn’t reply and I have no choice but to contact the authorities myself, he will never forgive me and probably not contact me again. We have had a good relationship for many years but I feel that my mum’s obvious need for professional care is more important.

What would you do, please?

I would get your parents a social worker or social workers.

I learnt the hard way.

Yes. Alert the authorities about their situation. Your stepfather is being quite unreasonable. Please don't be emotionally blackmailed by him. Be strong. You're not wrong.

Thank you, greyfur. I know that’s the right thing to do but being called wicked just now has left me doubting myself.

I know you’re right, Aveline, and I will after giving him a couple of days to think things through because I don’t have a choice really, do I? I know he’s scared but the wicked comment has just completely thrown me when I’m already sinking.

I’ve just seen I have 3 % battery left so if anyone else is good enough to reply, I’m not being rude!

My condolence Basgetti what a shock for you.
No, you’re not wicked, but a realist, your stepfather will need help when he’s discharged as well as your mother during and after his op.
Hard as it is, you’re doing the right thing, no way could you go and you’re helping even if it’s not appreciated.
Take care.

Oh Bagsgetti such a maelstrom of emotions you must be going through. Your own grief must overwhelm you and now this. I really feel for you.

“Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others”.

You live miles away so this is no easy ask. Plus you will have a lot on your plate right now. With the best will in the world you cannot cut yourself in two. You are certainly not ‘wicked’. Perish that thought. The fact that he threatens to leave your mum alone and unsupervised for 3 days beggars belief. I imagine he was trying to guilt trip you and call your bluff. Coercive behaviour. And to a newly bereaved widow quite shameful.

Help is available for a reason. You do right sourcing it for hi,
Good luck.

Apologies.
Basgetti

It may be the best thing you do for them...to call their local social services. That level of dementia sounds like your mother is in dire need of professional support. And he will likely appreciate it in the not too distant future. Especially as from my understanding he will not be up to caring for her after quite (I believe) a big operation and recovery period. I would do it tomorrow so that things can be put in place quickly, as they can be slow in responding even to such an urgent need.

This is a safe guarding issue so you have a duty to report it to the relevant social services.

Being called wicked or anything else really is neither here or there.
Your stepfather has a many challenges at the moment and can be forgiven for is his reaction.
Your mum needs help and especially to be kept safe and for that reason you must immediately contact social services.

You are certainly not wicked and it is a crying shame he does not have enough empathy to make allowances for your grief. Does he have his own children? If so, could they intervene on your behalf. He would certainly be negligent to just leave your mother. It would be a dereliction of his duty of care if he just walked away knowing she was a danger to herself.
Is it possible that he is suffering from the start of dementia too or is it just the stress of all he is trying to cope with keeping it all together. To be honest, it seems to me that it would be a kindness to ring Adult Social Services to get help for your mother and as carers assessment for him. They might be able to relieve the pressure on him and arrange help for when he comes home.
It may be when he is away from your mother, he will find the relief enormous when he is not caring for her and his view might be to accept help then. I suspect he can't see the wood for the trees at the moment.
On reflection, you might be doing him a real favour by contacting Social Services and if he has blocked you, I think attempt to another contact with him is just a waste of your energy which is no doubt feeling in a slump right now.
Be kind to yourself and give what help you can where you can.

Goodness, Basgetti, you have enough to contend with yourself at the moment without this additional stress.
It's a long journey to undertake, especially when you are anxious anyway.

I wonder why your mother has not yet had a diagnosis? Are they both denying the problem? Yes, kittylester and other posters are right, this is a safeguarding issue and Social Services need to be informed as a matter of urgency especially as your step-father has now blocked you, which is a red flag.

Thank you, everyone. It is clear what I have to do and I shall.

Yes, JenniRen , they have both been in denial for at least 5 years. We have been urging intervention for at least 4 years but it has been resisted.
Mum was the most wonderful, feisty character. Stepdad didn’t want to rock the boat.
My brother and I have tried to intervene but it was resoundingly rejected every time.
I feel I have no choice now.

Hope they will now get the help they both clearly need Basgetti.

Just to say I’m full of admiration that you can take steps in getting your mother the help she needs when you are in the midst of your own grief and difficult times.

You’re a hero!

💐

Yes, I agree

💐

Do they both have the same Gp?
I would certainly have a word with the practice manager & state your situation, also that he’s booked in for quite a major operation. He will also need help after the op I am guessing.
Tell them that you can’t help as you have suffered a bereavement in June.
If they are worth their salt, they should be getting in touch with social services.
Our own gp practice manager was brilliant when my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Getting us help from the SS
(I know you havent gotten diagnosis), but explain he’s emotionally blackmailing you, that he has threatened to leave your mum to her own devices.
No you need to put yourself first.
Sorry for the loss of your husband Basgetti 💐

MT62

Do they both have the same Gp?
I would certainly have a word with the practice manager & state your situation, also that he’s booked in for quite a major operation. He will also need help after the op I am guessing.
Tell them that you can’t help as you have suffered a bereavement in June.
If they are worth their salt, they should be getting in touch with social services.
Our own gp practice manager was brilliant when my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Getting us help from the SS
(I know you havent gotten diagnosis), but explain he’s emotionally blackmailing you, that he has threatened to leave your mum to her own devices.
No you need to put yourself first.
Sorry for the loss of your husband Basgetti 💐

I forgot to add he’s probably anxious & scared. He won’t mean what he’s said, will he?