The pain of being a widower.

My friend just lost her beloved husband of 64 years. They had the happiest of marriages. In this context, the words of Tennyson came to mind, ‘tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all ‘
So sorry for all who have lost your life-partners

sweetpotatopie

Oh, so sorry.

That's a place we'll all reach sooner or later, all who are lucky to be in a good relationship anyway. Either we'll go or they will.

I think you'll be happier if you try to re-vamp your life. Take up a new interest, join some kind of group, the possibilities are endless. To have more in your life, you have to go after it though. Best wishes.

It is so hard when you lose your soulmate and it definitely takes time to find your new life, but you will in time. I appreciate life will never be the same, but it can be good. How about volunteering. What do you like doing, perhaps join a group that does just that, but as a volunteer. You will enjoy what you do and have a purpose. Nothing like volunteering for renewed purpose and job satisfaction. You honestly get more back than you give. You have nothing to lose and can do as little and as much as you are able to. Which county are you living in?

Rowan, try to get out each day, just a walk, say hello to people, call in your local for a drink one day or maybe go to a coffee shop, be round people. It just gets you out of the house and gets a bit of structure to your day. Been on my own so long now but sometimes I do feel lonely having no one close but everyone does i think at times.,
Life is never going to be as it was but it can and will be good.

A post script-you might not want to meet someone -but new friends help a great deal .
At the moment-I'm enjoying the company of a gay man with whom I can have long chats without feeling compromised in any way .
I'm not grieving for a spouse ,but for my Father .
I have found his passing really hard to take .

One of my friends is going through this now.
She feels as though there is a chasm in her life .
Grief is actually physically painful.
I agree with the other gransnetters join some groups and fill your life with a much enjoyable distraction as you can -you just might meet someone .
God bless .

Rowan1963
Fully understand how you feel. Dh died 4 years ago, DD 3 years prior. I feel the initial grief is lightened as you are busy dealing with all the ins and outs of bereavement distracted a bit from the absolute loss. You then become aware of this "it's just me now" life and even though managing to do as everyone seems to say you should ie find activities to fill your day you still know why you are doing it all. I did exactly that but have slowly realised contact with people, organisations does not replace the missing link in your life. Even though saying the missing one would want you to be happy there is a kind of guilt creeps in and then you feel back at square one. I don't have family near me and my best friend is 40 miles away so most of my contact with others is through the last two of the groups I made contact with 3 years ago. Being absolutely honest, I do have to convince myself I am not depressed but that this is grief for losing two people who were precious to me and it is normal. I am sure for some a phone call to some of the bereavement organisation would definitely be helpful to some and perhaps I will, in time, be one of those. Rowan1963 you are not alone and I do wish I could offer a quick magic solution to help you.

I hope you don't think this sounds a bit predictable, but having a dog might help. Depending on your state of health you could get a puppy or an older dog.

My dog gives me a reason to get up and get started with the day. I get exercise and meet fellow dog walkers and chat.

I wish you all the best.

Life never will be the same We do not get over the loss of a spouse just gradually reshape life around that loss I agree you need to take up a hobby or join a group to impyove your mood Social isolation is not healthy Well done for putting words to how you feel here thats a good first step

It’s good that you have reached out here to talk Rowan.
Echoing what others say - about just getting out for board games, coffee, interaction with others for even short spells if you can.

What I would say is that I personally found the 2-year mark utterly crippling, way worse than year 1, I couldn’t comprehend how it could get worse, but actually things did start to improve very soon after the 2 year point - if that gives you something small and positive to cling on to.

6 years as a widow for me.
I have worked on maintaining my interests and finding new things to enjoy ( singing, playing recorder, art, going to concerts, poetry group, writing books reviews), Trying to do things that are useful to others helps me ... for me that is running a choir, doing the bookings for the village hall and being on the trustees, running an arts festival, supporting family, doing local publicity etc.

My days are not empty at all.

BUT .... that does not take away the loneliness. That is going to be my lifelong companion. I have accepted that. My real companion has gone.

I do get how you feel and hope you can find a way forward.

i am so sorry for your loss but it is clear you are still grieving have you spoken to your GP about this?
there are bereavement groups some are run by the church the local Hospices etc
contact Age UK for advice on above groups, telephone buddies and also local groups and things to get involved in

I can relate to that about people monami,I don't think I'll ever get my head round the attitude of people including some family, it was very hurtful especially last year and I believe it made the early stages of grief so much harder,it helps knowing other people grieving have experienced something similar so thank you.

The third anniversary of my husband¨s death is approaching, so I do appreciate how you are feeling, rowan.

I wonder if you perhaps are ready now to try to find some activites you can take part in outside your home?

Just after my husband's death I did not want to be our of my home, it sounds to me as if you have reacted in much the same way to the loss of your wife.

After I had got though my birthday, Christmas and New Year for the first time without my husband, I sat myself down and decided I just had to find something to do with my time where I could interact with others.

So I joined a folk dance group for my age group 70+, continued volunteering at the local museum, and promised myself that come hell, hailstorms, snow or high winds, I would get myself to Sunday Mass every Sunday unless I was really ill, now I have added volunteering at the local Soup Kitchen and a book-club to my list, got to know my new neighbours and so on. I find it makes a difference having one or two things "to go to" every week.

Obviously, the things I do probably won't appeal to you, but if I, living in a small country town with just over 4.000 inhabitants can find some activities to join, it might well be possible for you too.

The loss does not disappear - how can it? After all we don't stop loving our spouse because he or she died - at least I hope not, but it is possible to find company, ways of feeling useful to others, new interests. The sadness is there, but it does change its character and become more something that we can bear, once that first raw sorrow and grief begins to recede.

It¨s a threadbare simile, but it is like walking through a badly lit underpass or tunnel, but once we get through it, the sun might just be out and shining on us.

my husband died 3 years ago, life will never be the same, you dont just lose your partner you also lose your friends, people stop inviting you anywhere as a single person, they also dont keep you in the loop, its like youve died as well, its hard but it will ease a little with time, but as you say its never ever going to be the same, we were together 56 years, take care of yourself, if you need to talk message me x

I know exactly how you feel rowan1963,my husband died nearly 2 years ago and despite joining a lunch group and Oddfellows I still feel so very much alone. I never imagined grief feels like it does I describe it as being on a rollercoaster. I've been trying to make a different life, it's very hard but we must live in hope that eventually things will improve and remember you are not alone feeling as you do.

Humbertbear

You need to go out and join something. I usually suggest U3A as there are so many groups there is bound to be something to interest you. Also how about a gym or exercise class? You are getting lots of suggestions. After two years you are over the worst. It is wonderful that you had such a happy marriage but now you need to make an effort to build a new life for yourself.

I also recommend the local U3a… after my best friend died (she hated the word ‘passed!) I looked for somewhere to play Scrabble locally as we used to play together regularly … once I plucked up the courage to go to a monthly meeting and join I met all sorts of women and men and am now a member of at least 4 groups … other people are very interesting, it doesn’t take away your pain, but over time it lessens and talking to others gradually about all and sundry helps. More women than men as usual, but if you enjoyed doing something particularly ( like I did Scrabble) there is likely a local group? Don’t just sit around being lonely …so much still to do and people to help you on the way…

* MawsRosie* Wise words.

Do you have a men's shed near you. I'm sure you would find like minded people in a similar position to yourself

I would also recommend U3A for meeting people and getting out. It is such a very difficult time but there should be some light at the end of a very dark tunnel

Please try to join some local groups to get you out and meet new people. Someone suggested Man Shed which is great idea.
Oin Facebook so you can join the groups for your local town and see what is going on, and you can also then put something on asking if any local men.
Chin up

In my experience (widowed 9 years ago next month) you don’t overcome bereavement but learn to live with it.
Like losing a limb, you learn to limp along in this very altered state.
Loneliness and the ramifications of loss are however something you either address or turn your face to the wall.
You don’t need to seek out a social life but it helps not to cut yourself off from friends, neighbours or family or you risk wallowing and drowning in your grief.
Many things can be done alone- reading the paper in the library or a coffee shop, daytime cinema, a trip out to somewhere of interest, maybe a gallery or museum or a walk somewhere scenic. If you have an interest or have had in the past, think of reviving that.
Or try something like U3A. Just exchanging the time of day, a smile and a smile and a Hello can start to lift your spirits
I would guess your wife would not have wanted you to be sad but you do have to zhuzh yourself up sometimes .
From my experience there is no other way forward and forwards is the only way to go.

It's hard I was a widowed after 47 yrs the last 5 nursing my wife, family and friends rallied round and I started socializing again fairly quickly - I didn't really have a choice. I was lucky my confidence returned gradually, there were several single ladies in the social circle, after a while I plucked up courage (really) to ask out.

You can never replace your loved one but you can move on and have a good life, several of my friend have also lost wives they get out and about, local pub, sports club, hobbies, volunteering. It doesn't matter how old you are, there are lots of others in the same position, and a surprising number of support groups too but you have to break the ice yourself.

“I feel very empty nowadays and wish that I can overcome all of this and be happy again”

This resonates very much with me and I have friends and family around me daily rowan1963 to be as alone as you are must be very difficult indeed. I’m so sorry.

I can only hope that perhaps with time you will find that something will engage your mind and help to fill the empty feelings you’re experiencing now.

My experience is that I have to push myself to engage with others and at least try to pretend that I’m coping. It’s very difficult to do that but I’m trying so hard.

Am so sorry you feel like this 💐💐
You were truly blessed to have your wife for as long as you did, and must have so many happy memories.
But of course grief and loneliness are not good companions. Have you tried to get out and about - if your health permits that is?
There will be groups you can join but I appreciate it takes courage to do this alone. If there are community hubs or community cafes in your area that would be a good idea to start with. Go and have a cup of tea and strike up a conversation with staff or other customers, community cafes are different inasmuch as they are usually places where people do chat to each other but you don’t have to join anything. Yet. However there will be a notice board with details of local clubs. No pressure, just take a look.
Wishing you all the very best 💐💐

Any clubs?