Standing up to a narcissistic big sister

I tried. I have just decided I will not take what she dishes out. If we end up at a family gathering, I will treat her with civility and if she makes barbed comments, I will remove myself from her presence quietly.
Such a wise and dignified way to act.

My sister and I both experienced various traumas throughout our childhood and have both had terrible things happen in our adult life. I would no more treat her with disrespect or verbal abuse as a human being any more than I would anybody else. She unfortunately does not feel the same way towards me or other people in her life. I find her torrents of accusations, lack of accountability for her actions and her temper terrifying. They trigger something that leaves me feeling anxious for weeks. Things have come to a head and I have taken a step back. I haven't written to say that I don't want any contact as that embroiled the whole family last time I tried. I have just decided I will not take what she dishes out. If we end up at a family gathering, I will treat her with civility and if she makes barbed comments, I will remove myself from her presence quietly. I would recommend you do the same thing.

I would recommend no contact in order to restore your peace of mind. Your health is more important than placating this aggressive woman.

I’m afraid I haven’t had time to read some of the replies, so I apologise if this is repetitive.
You sound a sensitive kind person who has been battered by many things over the years, sister being one. If you cut yourself off I’m sure you will feel bad, so ultimately that won’t help. I always feel we need to do the best we can in a situation then if things don’t improve, we can console ourselves with having tried. I would write a firm but kind letter. I would say you have come to the end of your ability to accept cruelty of any kind from anyone. We all have problems, and we need to support not destroy each other. I would say you’re aware of the dreadful things that have happened to her and those ongoing, but can only keep up the relationship if she behaves well going forward. Suggest a meeting and if you find her behaviour deteriorates again, that’s it, you have tried but you cannot and will not accept unnecessary pain in your life. You will no longer keep in touch, which would be very sad for both of you.
Give her a chance to reply and a get together in a place you can leave if necessary. After that if things are no better, turn away in every sense and hopefully find comfort elsewhere. Good luck.

Love that comment.

Hiya! Sisters! I have 3! I was very close to the 2nd eldest, she was only 11 months older than me. We had a terrible childhood. And she was the fiesty one. Always confrontational, and she became very jealous of my bigger sister successful life. I'm more an outspoken people pleaser! Onnce I married and had kids, it became noticeable fiestyness was more rowing and shouting, and really Family gathering became unpleasant. Her comments lashed out and could be quite hurtful. It came to ahead after she moved away , and would bark her orders on how we treated our widowed mother. She rarely visited! I mean barked! I phoned her for our weekly catch up, to be met with non-stop abuse. Even though I had remotely spent considerable time helping her husband solve a computer glitch. My husband heard the is tiraid and told to put the phone down. He said you are never to phone again, if she wants to phone to shout at you she can at least pay for the call. I have never phone her! And she has never phoned me! That's was 35 years ago! That intervention by my husband, Stopped the years of verble abuse and allowed me, to enjoy my own family without being on tender-hooks. Yes, there were issues with Christmas, but I cut all ties. Yes, she is still my sister, yes I wish her no ill, but no, I don't want her and her negative impact in my life. Just because they are a relative, don't mean you have to put up with nasty behaviour. As, other has said - put yourself first, and at least minimize contact. As others or friends for support. Stop letting her dim your sparkle. God bless.

That’s a bit harsh and very reductionist if I may say so.

I can so sympathise with you as I too have a very narcissistic younger sister. She too has bullied and blamed me most of my life and has the amazing ability to be seen as the victim. Many friends, even hers, have asked me why I let her treat me this way. I put up with it for many, many years and the criticism became cruel - bad mouthing my (innocent) children to me as she knew this would hurt me. I had to set up boundaries for my own mental health. She now has turned my other siblings away from me by bad mouthing me to them and once again her becoming the victim. You will not win!!! Set up boundaries. Although the estrangement she has caused hurt I also feel a sense of great relief.

Dazy, I agree with Sago, GrandmaFrench, and other GNs here. I'd advise going "no contact" and getting on with your own life. You have my sincere sympathy, and I can understand that cutting off your sister may be a difficult thing to to. However, simply carrying on seeing her sounds to be causing you great stress - which you can do without. Once you make "the cut", I think that you could benefit quite quickly, because you may then feel so much better in moving on with your future. As AuntieE suggests, when you feel ready, perhaps a new cat will help you, too. Please keep in touch with us here at GN. Good luck.

Your life is a garden, you only want peace and beauty in it, so start weeding !

Dazy It is so sad you have gone through all these years of suffering.

The very best thing you can do for yourself is get on-line and read about surviving a Narcissist, getting free and healing from their behaviour.

Also lots of good advice on how to deal with your own feelings of guilt, loyalty and lost.

There are some good tools and information out there and finding what works best for you is the first step in changing your situation.

Research and getting well informed is one of the strongest and kindest things you can do for yourself.

I wish you the very best of luck as it won't be an easy change for you to make but so worthwhile and healthier in the long term.

Hi
Sounds an awful situation, but you deserve happiness after what you have been through.Don't let her drag you down and make you ill.
Have as little contact as you can with her as others have said. If you do have to speak to her just say 'I've been advised to have some quiet time due to my mental health, so I'm not going to be contacting ANYONE for a while. This way, you haven't been nasty and you seemingly haven't singled her out.You don't have to accept calls from her, she'd have to leave a message if it was an emergency.She is feeding off your discontent. Starve her of it.

It’s difficult , I had to cut ties with a sibling for my own and my families well being. The feelings of guilt were strong but I knew it was the best thing to do

Dazy, I can offer nothing, save if you do feel able to let this person go and do her own thing, would it help you to keep in touch here? so many understanding and caring people here who do not criticize and just want to help? sending prayers there is no smiley for this simple act.

I agree you need to stop having any contact with her.

If having cut contact, you feel guilty (which you have no need to do) seek professional advice to deal with your feelings afte the break with your sister.

I hope you soon feel ready for a new cat or kitten.

If you do not have a circle of supportative friends, try considering where at least you might make new acquaintances, who could potentially become new friends.

This can be difficult to do, but volunteering might be an option for you, as might a book club or if you enjoy the company of children and teenagers a homework club.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was in a very similar situation with my sister as you are, and yes my sister terrified me too. In the end to protect myself and my family, I would only have contact with her when I had to in family gatherings. When she was ranting at me in these gatherings I would say I'm not here to be abused by you and I'd walk away. When she text I'd reply with one word answers. Walk away whenever you can and try not to engage with her unless you have no other choice. Walk away.

I had to cut ties with a sibling it simply came down to self preservation. I came to realise by putting up with the manipulation and bullying, I was enabling this behaviour which was toxic to my physical and mental health.
Be strong and draw a line, you deserve better.

This is a battle you have no hope of winning. Years of her controlling you are deeply embedded. You must step well away and never go back. She will NEVER change. Self preservation is the order of the day. Make yourself the priority here. Good luck and never ever feel guilty. Enjoy the freedom that separation will undoubtedly give you- be brave and enjoy the company of those who really care. 💐💐

Foxglove77 that is absolutely horrific. So it can be stress induced. I'm very sorry you experienced bullying which led to a brain haemorrhage.
You're right, she could literally be the death of me.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you good health

Narcissist or not , assuming no diagnosis, you say your sister has had to experience horrific personal tragedies. The worst being the loss of her adult child. Every parents biggest fear. This together with her poor health, she has a lot to deal with.

However if she actually terrifies you, you need to distance yourself. I have a sibling but because of things I don’t need to go into here, I do not see or speak to him. We have no other family, but I am happier without him upsetting me. Suspect you might feel the same.

I suffered a brain hemorrhage after being bullied by a particularly vicious new boss (female). I was at my grievance meeting explaining how she made me feel when I suffered a thunderbolt pain to the back of my head. A CT scan confirmed a bleed on the brain which could have been fatal.

I think you need to remember your sister could literally be the death of you and stay away from her.

I left the job and now try very hard not to let stress or nasty people upset me. Good luck.

I understand you “going back for more”.

Narcissists are clever, manipulative and sometimes very charming, essentially you have been groomed.

Guilt is such an empty emotion, isn't it, but realistically you are not responsible for the death of her child. You've done your best to support her and have only ended up compromising you own wellbeing.
Step away gradually.....

Thank you again everyone, I know I need to pull away. Had therapy over the years, both therapists believe I should keep away from her.
I don't know why it's so hard to implement. I suspect trauma bonding and pity for her have a lot to do with it...

The only way you can win a game with a narcissist, is to stop playing Dazy.

You could as SpinDriftCoastal suggested 'grey rock' which is not responding to her nastiness and not showing any emotional response but TBH such extreme behaviour IMO requires an extreme response; no contact.

Send a letter but a very short one simply telling her that you will no longer be contactable as you no longer want a relationship with her, and then block all avenues of contact.

Don't wast your time with lengthy explanations which is where the 'grey rock' method comes in and then give yourself time to get used to the life you'll have without the stress and fear you've lived with for so long. You may find that that will relieve you of any guilt you have for estranging her.

Good luck.