Resentment

Stop doing everything and ask for help!

This is something which has annoyed me somewhat throughout our 30+ year marriage, until I realised 1) I simply took over, & 2) I sometimes told him he was “doing it wrong”

Now I ask for help, and creep back to “tweak” when he’s not looking 🤣🤣🤣

If necessary, I sometimes put my foot down with mine.
He likes people coming.
Occasionally now, I say something like "you will need to do such and such while they are here".
He knows I am meaning what I say.

I nearly cancelled Christmas one year.
He learnt.

fancythat

If necessary, I sometimes put my foot down with mine.
He likes people coming.
Occasionally now, I say something like "you will need to do such and such while they are here".
He knows I am meaning what I say.

Yes!

There has to be give and take in a marriage. Harbouring resentment does not work. Siting down and discussing it together is the only way forward.

There are two sides You are a doer , he’s a follower.

Of course he lets you get on with things, that’s how it’s always been, and it’s always been accepted that way, you ve never shown him that you want it any other way, have you ever talked about it, or grumbled about his inability to be as energetic and organised as you, instead you have built up a resentment that he probably knows nothing about. He thinks it’s all toddling along as it always has.
So be fair to hm, you say you love him and it’s been a reasonably good marriage, so tell him what help you need, tell him what you expect from him. In his heads everything’s plodding along the same as always, he doesn’t know resentment has built up.
He may need a list of to do s especially if you have company coming….. but …. If you ask him to make up the beds in the spare room ( for instance) don’t then go and take them to pieces and remake them, because he hasn’t done it your way.
Good luck in this
All changes take a while

I know exactly what you mean.

I think you need to have a proper conversation about how you are feeling. Then agree a way forward that works for both of you. There are various possible options including:

*allocating " job responsibilities" between you.
*agreeing each week what needs doing and sharing out
* if either needs to, specifically saying what they need done and discussing it as and when

Whatever you agree there then uin reality have to be consequences if what is agreed to doesn't happen
eg he is supposed to do the washing and doesnt. Do your own and leave his!
eg his turn to cook. He doesnt. Cook your own, leave his!

And when having visitors always discuss in advance who is doing what plus ask for help from everyone!

Birthday - no treat arranged; arrange your own post birthday treat - just for yourself!

The message has to get acrosz but it will take time to change a lifetime of habit!

He has been very aware of how I feel about this and it has been the only cause of arguments in our long marriage. I doubt he’ll change, but I am sick of feeling so resentful about it and feeling so jealous of the care shown by friends’ and relatives partners. I am considering counselling to help me deal with it, I am aware we may not have many more years together and I don’t want to be eaten up by these feelings.

If is aware then ask him why he doesnt change for your sake? X

I think you are heading in the right direction Angstridden3 it is going to be difficult to change your husband's behaviour now but you can change your reaction to it. Counselling will help you. In the meantime small steps from him will be appreciated. Don't let this take over, enjoy yourself .

"it has been the only bone of contention throughout our long marriage"

Well if that had been the case for me it wouldn't have been a long marriage!

My partner of nearly 20 years and I have just had a discussion along similar lines.
He loves cats; I wouldn't have had them but for him although I do adore our two.
Since we bought our old house (equal financial input) and acquired the cats I don't seem to have had time to go to work. (I was a self-employed carer).
I got my state pension at 66 but was still working then. I am now 71 (he is younger and not yet pension age) and told him yesterday that I do not want to spend the rest of what time I have left cleaning up after him and the cats! If we can't come to a solution I'm off!
At the moment I help him with his business (and I don't mean just paperwork, hard physical work!) and am also doing up the house (although we often disagree over what is important and what isn't).
He was always someone who did his fair share of the housework, at any rate what he thought needed doing, but now it's "Well, you're retired, you've got more time on your hands".
I don't want to be a "kept woman" (never have been!) and would like to spend my time doing what I want, not keeping house!
Sorry Angstridden3, I seem to have hijacked your thread but I too am feeling some of that resentment!

Cossy my husband also does things "wrong" - I am training myself not to comment and instead say to myself "at least you haven't had to do it".

My husband is really kind and caring and considerate and has always helped.

I've realised I need to be more grateful and less nit-picky!

My daughter says I can display a bit "control-freakery" - especially when in a hurry.
Never too late to try to improve oneself!

It’s a little comfort to know im not the only one! I feel disrespected in a way, and as though I’ve been taken for a mug.im also aware that I may well end up as a carer but if I need care he will be physically and emotionally unable to manage. I think therapy may help.

I think you need to speak up. You say he's older than you and less mobile, but maybe he hasn't taken on board that you're getting older too, we all are.

I leave the jobs my husband will notice: he gets hungry before I do so he will cook. Often I leave the food out ready on the worktop, he's happier not to have to make that decision.
He will notice that the dishwasher needs emptying and refilling so I leave that.
He rarely notices the worktops need wiping and certainly doesn't clean the sinks, so I finish that.

I do all the laundry as I'm more particular about it than he would be.
I don't iron, so if he buys clothes that need ironing that's his choice and he does them.
When the beds need changing I'll strip them and leave the clean sheets out ready if I don't have time to make them up.
You get the idea?

At the moment I am blitzing the garden which has been totally neglected since last year.
I'm pruning and simplifying. I've lost interest in it as well to be honest, but the minded children and grandchildren will be here over the summer so it needs doing.
He rarely sets foot in it and refuses to eat outside so it's just a chore now. Mind you he's just come home from work and come out to see what I've done 🙄

Angstridden3 are there jobs that need doing that you could pay someone else to do? Housework, gardening, ironing?
Don't knock yourself out so much that you just feel resentful all the time.
Tell your husband you're finding it all too much these days and are planning to arrange some help.
He won't change now so just work out a system that works for you.
Best of luck 👍🏻

My first husband did very little other than opening the wine at Christmas. My second husband is the complete opposite. Much easier!

DP tries to do everything when we have visitors, a real boon as I find it all very tiring when visitors stay more than three days, so am very grateful.Ex husband would just sit back and think all he had to do was be amusing.

Cossy

Stop doing everything and ask for help!

This is something which has annoyed me somewhat throughout our 30+ year marriage, until I realised 1) I simply took over, & 2) I sometimes told him he was “doing it wrong”

Now I ask for help, and creep back to “tweak” when he’s not looking 🤣🤣🤣

I agree with Cossy. The trouble is we make our bed but then when we get older we don’t want to lie in it 😂 Resentment creeping in here too. DH sometimes helps but never does a good job.
He’s started doing his own ironing, great you might think but I’m the one that has to go out with him looking like he’s just got out of bed, not a good look.

If you have a good life, presumably he worked and wasn’t well?

You said he has mobility problems, do they cause him physical pain?

My husband has been unwell and it’s ongoing so I seem to do quite a lot atm in the house. But he still works full time and earns 3 times what I earn (also working FT) so I don’t feel resentful (much) I think feel irritated and resentful sometimes is normal - maybe counselling will help

I tell you what irritates me the most. The where is ‘add item of choice’ and it’s somewhere where he’s moved it to or it’s right in front of his bloody eyes