Speaking my mind!

Well you've done the right thing Stillness...you are recognising that you are perhaps a bit too forthright and you've listened to your husband saying you can be like a rottweiler. And maybe now heating what everyone is saying on here you can have a bit of a reset and think about reigning it in, as it's sounding like it's giving you cause for concern and not necessarily making you happy. And may be causing others to be hurt and upset. Don't lose your personality though but have a think about why you feel the need to do it...is it worth it.

No I am terrified of upsetting people, friends tell me I am weak. You can’t win!

There’s no excuse for rudeness at any age…those who hide behind excuses like “I speak as I find” or “I call a spade a spade” etc are just the worst…that may work fine for them, but never for anyone else. “I don’t suffer fools gladly” or “I say it as I see it”….any of those are major red flags. Er, no, you are just tactless and rude!

I am dealing with a lot of changes, in health, family, personal life and find that at home I am very short tempered, quite angry at times - usually at myself. It's frustration and not having anyone appropriate to talk to. No one gets it and I know it will all work out in time.

But outside I'm always aware of trying not to moan, trying not to say the wrong thing and not hurting the feelings of others. It's tiring and not good to hold stuff in so I explode at home. All unhealthy I know. Nothing to be gained by saying my bit though.

But I had a family member who 'called a spade a spade' and it didn't matter if someone got upset by what she said. It was her way of always being right. I was always uncomfortable in her company, sadly, as I was very fond of her otherwise. I'd hate to be like that.

When I used to run assertiveness training courses the key thing about assertiveness was that both parties felt OK afterwards. There's direct and indirect aggression as well as passive aggression. True assertiveness is actually quite hard to maintain.

If you use AI it's worth asking it to describe "assertive" in a "healthy" and "unhealthy" way. It's pretty obvious but always useful to see it laid out.

Feisty is me always have been I am direct I say what I think but filter what I say to loved ones. I don't like to hurt peoples feelings.
My friends of many years expect me to be the way I am. If I changed they would think there was something wrong.
I am still rather confident but I have had times when circumstances have knocked these traits. Life experience sometimes tough, has made me less tolerant than I was when I was younger.

I do feel the urge to speak my mind more .... but I zip the lip!

ViceVersa

DaisyAnneReturns

I think people can become more assertive as they get older. That could be for many reasons. Someone could feel unheard, or it may be that is socially more acceptable now. As long as it's not aggressive I don't see a problem.

The trouble is that what one person may see as 'assertive' may well come across as aggressive to another, especially the person on the receiving end.

I totally agree. I suppose it depends on what you define as "assertive". We should be socially aware of course ... ....

I was always assertive and fiesty but when I became menopausal I lost my confidence and became anxious about lots of things. The correct dose of HRT helped enormously and I'm now confident again but not as intent on 'speaking my mind'.
A good balance!

DaisyAnneReturns

I think people can become more assertive as they get older. That could be for many reasons. Someone could feel unheard, or it may be that is socially more acceptable now. As long as it's not aggressive I don't see a problem.

The trouble is that what one person may see as 'assertive' may well come across as aggressive to another, especially the person on the receiving end.

hoomee29

It's rather arrogant to assume that because you don't care what people think, you can spout anything that comes into your head. What about hurting their feelings? And perhaps a tendency to hold forth before you know all the facts? That just makes you look stupid. There's an old saying "least said, soonest mended". That does take a bit of self control and wisdom, but we should have learnt those by now!

👏 👏

I think people can become more assertive as they get older. That could be for many reasons. Someone could feel unheard, or it may be that is socially more acceptable now. As long as it's not aggressive I don't see a problem.

It's rather arrogant to assume that because you don't care what people think, you can spout anything that comes into your head. What about hurting their feelings? And perhaps a tendency to hold forth before you know all the facts? That just makes you look stupid. There's an old saying "least said, soonest mended". That does take a bit of self control and wisdom, but we should have learnt those by now!

Oh, and Ive learnt that "over and out" is the best way to speak!

Itherwise, you're the only person getting het up and angry. That festers and harbours resentment. I've been there, and it's not good.

I don't think I speak my true mind, though I do say the first thing, impulsively, that comes to mind. So maybe I do speak my mind?!

But never aggressively or rudely.

I don't think I get angry with people. I might form an opinion which could lead me to avoiding them, challenging their thinking, or avoiding the subject.

However, I am very angry about how a company has behaved over recent months. So much so that it's made me try and work out why I'm angry as the only person my anger affects is me! That's what made me ask the question about loss of autonomy - I realised that I felt this company has added to mine.

I’m the opposite, as I get older I’m managing to be more careful about what I say.
I’ve always dropped clangers, take my foot out of my mouth, only to immediately ram the other one in.

butterandjam

DaisyAnneReturns

Stillness

Does anyone find that as they get older, they speak their mind more…..even get angry more easily? I’m struggling to cope with the fall out from this. When younger, I was much less assertive but now…I just can’t seem to stop myself. I feel that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me, I’ll voice my opinion whatever, and sometimes it causes problems by being so forthright! Perhaps I should try harder to exercise some self discipline?

A sudden loss of empathy is concerning. Have you been under stress or ill recently?

Nothing in Stillness post suggests any loss of "empathy"
(sudden or otherwise).

Forgetting the real meaning of words would be more concerning , but she shows no sign of that either.

It seems you've attributed positions to me that I never expressed. I didn't claim the post showed a loss of empathy, and questioning whether I understand the meaning of words doesn't address my argument. If you disagree with what I actually said, I'd be interested in hearing why.

My mum used to make comments about people quite loudly.
I managed to get her to have a hearing test. She now has a hearing aid and has toned it down thank goodness.
At the moment she is complaining about a tennis player going to the loo and taking too long!

My mother was a great one for speaking her mind. It’s probably why she’s ended up friendless and estranged from people.

As I’ve got older I think I am more assertive in such things as dealing with the NHS, which I had to be, in order to get the care my Dh needed in his final illness. Same with poor treatment in shops, with utilities and so on. I try to choose my words carefully, though, because that’s the way to get the result you wish for, in my experience.

Wouldn't you challenge racism if you hear it?
Why tolerate it?
Silence means assent or will be taken as such.
Other opinions and ideas are up to the individual.
Unless they are offensive I let people get on with it.
Eg political views. Boring people I try to avoid.

I think if you are married to a man who is a bit older, as many are, as time goes on you become more of a carer and just have to be a bit more assertive because you are taking over things that they used to do previously. That is how it is for me now . I wish it wasn’t but that’s life. There is a difference between assertiveness and rudeness,though of course.

I think it’s a biological thing, women become more assertive and men less so.

Have an older sister who speaks her mind, she calls it ‘saying it as it is’. Recently someone had a word with her at a group she goes to because my sister had upset another member by ‘saying it as it is’.
Of course my sister was in high dudgeon about it and says she isn’t going to the group anymore. I tried to get it through to her that she can be a tad robust with people at times but as usual she then rounded on me so I left it.