If you are dealing with narcissism, let’s all help each other.

Sadly, it is untreatable. You cannot make any headway with a person who has a superior intellect, is never wrong, and does not care what he or she does to anyone. We had such a person in our famly for some years and it was devastating. I do not use that word lightly. The trauma did not begin to go away until we heard that the person had died.

I have to say I'm confused about the whole narcissist thing. Living with someone with such a personality trait must be horrendous and in my family we have one. But to be diagnosed with the actual disorder can only really be carried out by a psychologist.

Sago, I too finally found peace after my mother died. And a bit of relief to be honest. It was freeing to know that I no longer had to live in the toxic cycle she created. It was never ending with her.

MissChateline Your ex sounds like my Mother…zero empathy, she would have felt that compliment was more important than your grief

When I was 36 with 3 young children, I came out of hospital having had a tumour removed, she came to “help”.
She sat there telling me how she had had a mole removed (cosmetic) and how painful it had been, she then banged on about the scarring and how people in Church had been staring at it😳.
I was sitting there with dressings and drains not knowing if I would see my children grow up.
I’m glad you’re now free.

Essexgirl145 You are right narcs leave deep scars.

I too have trust issues and unwanted behaviours as a result of my upbringing, I feel responsible for everyone’s emotional state and I still put my own needs last.

The day my Mother died I started to breathe again, my life is so much more peaceful now.

Oh dear, what makes you think that. I disagree. I have friends and family who are defiantly not narcissistic.

I don't think one ever recovers from living with one. I do know that they won't let you go until you are no longer necessary to them and then they discard which leaves scars that run deep. I am now incapable of any kind of trust or ability to form conections. I've been on my own for 10 years now and don't expect that to change. But at least I have peace.

@Sago, a clinical diagnosis is not a matter of admission or denial. It’s a matter of a physician assigning a diagnosis from the DSM-5, like any other psych diagnosis. One would need to see a psychiatrist, be assessed, and then diagnosed. I highly doubt all the people labelling others have spoken to their psychiatrists, who then violated patient confidentiality to disclose the NPD diagnosis to others. Yes, people can be observed by anyone as selfish and manipulative, but that is entirely different to casually assigning them a personality disorder.

I had a complex relationship/marriage with my now ex wife.
Love bombed at the beginning, gifts, holidays etc but it descended into my waking in eggshells all of the time, enduring endless put downs, sarcasm, tedious boring monologues about how wonderful she was and exhausting myself trying to make everything perfect.
When my best friend died we had a video call and she was so full of how her hair dresser had told her that she was so beautiful etc that she forgot to even ask how I was.
We lasted about 13 years together. Only because for much of the time due to her international work we lived in different countries only being together a few weeks at a time.
The crunch came with her retirement and buying an apartment in the Canary Islands. She took herself off for months at a time enjoying being the centre of attention with all her new pals.
By this time I had had enough and had met someone else who is the kindest loving person I’ve ever known.
The break up was horrendous. Her narcissistic rage and collapse, no responsibility of anything that happened and pilled all the blame into me. Verbal abuse, writing abuse to my friends and trying to make out that it was me who was the narcissist.
It’s taken me two years of therapy to understand what was going on and to fully extricate myself emotionally. Trauma bonding is deeply painful.
I’m doing the things that I want to do now whilst I’m still able to and I consider myself fortunate that I’m no longer trapped in the most boring and controlling marriage ever.

I forgot to say this to maybe help others - that getting out of that life can be so difficult for so long but, when you see the family relaxed at last in their own home without that toxic atmosphere, it’s definitely worthwhile.

we are all narcissistic in our own way, your post has a touch of narcism, what exactly is narcism, no one can truly explain

I seem to be a target for narcissists. I have heard so many bad luck stories/self aggrandising speeches/ streams of consciousness which WILL NOT be interrupted. I have helped people out with accommodation/lifts/loans/free tuition - the list goes on. Maybe word’s got round that I’m a soft touch? On the positive side, I’m a writer and my most recent novel featured a malignant narcissist (which condition I researched with the aid of a psychiatrist acquaintance). These people can gain an insidious hold on your life, make you question yourself - some are very adept at it. Looking back, I’m beginning to wonder if someone very close to me was of the narcissist inclination, given the fictional help they claimed to have given me and the equally fictional hard time I gave them. I’ll never know unless I offload to said psychiatrist… or maybe I’m the narcissist here? 😂😂

GrannyIvy Such a brilliant explanation. The person married to our family member hid his real personality from us for 12 years and I only had one uneasy feeling about him in all that time. I really liked him and only saw the real, very frightening, individual when divorce proceedings started. I felt so angry with myself for being hoodwinked for so long and so not offering her any support. I only hope their dc will realise what he is early in life. Fortunately (but very sadly not for her), he met another woman to distract his controlling attention. I need to look up the grey rock technique. Thank you.

Had 1 for 47 years, its so wearing

My mother tried to destroy me the night before my wedding. She never mentioned it the morning of the wedding. Gave me breakfast in bed for the first time in my 22 years! I had to go to have my hair done on my own! I was never respected! Apology on her death bed didn’t cut it!

My ex husband is a narcissist. It took me years to accept and not blame myself for everything toxic he did, all kinds of lies, manipulation and abuse. I agree with BlessedArt that NPD is a diagnosis and I also agree very few people who are narcissists would allow themselves to be diagnosed, or even think they needed it.
The scary and, I guess in some ways, "good" thing is that there IS a commonality and pattern to how they ostracize their targets. My ex did it with my children and with their teachers. My son is on the autism spectrum and he did it with psychiatrists, doctors, everyone. It was a living hell until we were finally in litigation and through discovery I was able to see all the lies, in writing. Sounds like a Lifetime movie I know.
These people, more men than women, thrive off other people's pain, usually good people who are highly empathic. While I would need a diagnosis to believe what a lot of people say about particular behavior patterns, I don't need it with him. And after 30 years of pain for others, he still believes everyone else is the problem.
I've moved on and I'm discharging this energy from my body but what a trip it's been.

I was married to one many years ago and the pain will not go away.

That’s a trick my Mother was good at……how can I spoil her elation on becoming a mother, on her wedding day, childs baptism etc.

She would then defend herself by saying it was out of love and concern.

Stillness

I’d appreciate your views about a friend I’ve known for 7 or 8 years. Or is she a friend? We originally met at an exercise class which now no longer exists and got on really well together and since it finished we’ve just met in the local town (where we both live) for coffee and a chat. It used to be every few weeks but now she has started taking multiple holidays and is rarely back in the uk for more than 2 or 3 weeks at a time. She always says to me after meeting up, ‘I’ll be in touch’, and that can mean in a week or months, maybe even 4 or 5 months. Then, she treats me like a long lost friend, hugging and kissing and basically, it’s coffee with her recalling all of her travels which can be interesting but to be honest, can be a bit boring! There’s nothing like hearing the details of some else’s holiday is there! She does ask how I am but in comparison, my life might seem mundane which I don’t think greatly interests her. She will often abruptly just look at her watch and say that she must get home whether it’s been even just thirty minutes or so. I suppose I feel I’m being used. She doesn’t seem to have any other friends locally and I’m not sure why she wants to stay in touch…..and then she’s off again….I do like her but to me, a friendship is more than that. I think she’ll be in touch soon as the dates she told me mean that she’ll be home for a few weeks. Perhaps I should cherish all my relationships but I’m not sure what to do and have never been in this situation before. I have a few good friends and a number of acquaintances but with this I don’t know how to keep seeing her without rightly or wrongly, feeling resentment and a degree of hurt. On the other hand, I don’t know how to respond to her texts without being unfriendly.

She isn’t necessarily a narc but probably a bit self absorbed.

If she isn’t nasty in any way I should just see her occasionally and take it for what it is.

Oh it seems it’s me that’s posted in the wrong place, sorry!
I’ll try to make it a separate post….

Magenta I think you’ve replied to the wrong post.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I’d appreciate your views about a friend I’ve known for 7 or 8 years. Or is she a friend? We originally met at an exercise class which now no longer exists and got on really well together and since it finished we’ve just met in the local town (where we both live) for coffee and a chat. It used to be every few weeks but now she has started taking multiple holidays and is rarely back in the uk for more than 2 or 3 weeks at a time. She always says to me after meeting up, ‘I’ll be in touch’, and that can mean in a week or months, maybe even 4 or 5 months. Then, she treats me like a long lost friend, hugging and kissing and basically, it’s coffee with her recalling all of her travels which can be interesting but to be honest, can be a bit boring! There’s nothing like hearing the details of some else’s holiday is there! She does ask how I am but in comparison, my life might seem mundane which I don’t think greatly interests her. She will often abruptly just look at her watch and say that she must get home whether it’s been even just thirty minutes or so. I suppose I feel I’m being used. She doesn’t seem to have any other friends locally and I’m not sure why she wants to stay in touch…..and then she’s off again….I do like her but to me, a friendship is more than that. I think she’ll be in touch soon as the dates she told me mean that she’ll be home for a few weeks. Perhaps I should cherish all my relationships but I’m not sure what to do and have never been in this situation before. I have a few good friends and a number of acquaintances but with this I don’t know how to keep seeing her without rightly or wrongly, feeling resentment and a degree of hurt. On the other hand, I don’t know how to respond to her texts without being unfriendly.

keepingquiet

Today I took the bull by the horns and went with a walking group for the first time. A woman started talking to me about her life, almost all of it spilling out to a total stranger.
She said her children to whom she no longer speaks, accused her of being a narcissist- later on she told me her own mother was a narcissist and that she no longer speaks to her either.
I tried my best but it was hard listening to this stuff...

A lot of red flags there!

Narcs are always looking for a flying monkey who will listen to their woes and eventually be drawn in.

Luck escape!

Today I took the bull by the horns and went with a walking group for the first time. A woman started talking to me about her life, almost all of it spilling out to a total stranger.
She said her children to whom she no longer speaks, accused her of being a narcissist- later on she told me her own mother was a narcissist and that she no longer speaks to her either.
I tried my best but it was hard listening to this stuff...

A good number of years ago I asked Google what percentage of psychologist were narcs. The reply was it estimated a much greater percentage Interestingly when the same question was asked recently a different answer was given.