Advice re relationship with sister

I have two sisters, who don't get on with each other.

One is terminally ill and has, perhaps, only a few weeks left to live. The other one has been informed and has said she's devastated, but is too stubborn to send her sister any kind of message of consolation, never mind see her.

I'm stuck in the middle on this. My sister won't take any notice of anything I say, but I know if it were me, I would be able to put the past behind me for the sake of a few weeks. I know I would always regret if I didn't make some effort.

I’m having mixed feelings re this. I’ve not had a sister , always sad I didn't have one and my best friend since childhood is a sister to me in all but name.

I did have a younger brother . I tried hard for years to be in touch, always me making the effort, he always promised more and never delivered.

After promising me support at a very traumatic time in my life and then effectively ghosting me I gave up and he never contacted me again. Years later my cousin let me know he had died very unexpectedly but I never went to the funeral and don’t miss him at all.

I know that’s sad but he added nothing to my life and I just gave up trying. If you feel you can try once more, do, otherwise get on with your life

I’m an only child.

I think it’s entirely possible to maintain a relationship with your sister, just by maybe meeting up for a cuppa twice a month in a local cafe.

You must, of course, do what you want, but you will both die in time, and if she does so first you may regret your decision.

I feel everyone is putting a lot of emotional pressure on the OP to do what she does not want to do.

It is too late now, but if anyone posts a thread like this again. I would tell them to take them where their gut feeling take them. We know very little about their relationship - age difference, childhood experiences.

I am one of three sisters, one deceased a long time ago. My surviving sister was always very distant. After our father died there was a rapprochment and I discovered that the distance was due to a misunderstanding, in which I had played no part.

Sorting it out made a big difference but someone who has blamed an older sister for something they knew nothing about for 40 years cannot easily change their underlying attitude when they discover it was the result of a misunderstanding We keep in contact, meet up once a year and I often think she is closer to my children than she is to me.

I agree with Bluebells post

For me, this covers a general 'how you let yourself be treated' situation. I have a passive aggressive cousin who always irritated me and I did not know why. I watched her behaviour closely and realised she controlled low key, lists, passive aggressive responses etc. Once I had clearly established her modus operandi, it gave me the confidence to distance myself from her. She is due to visit my town again this summer and will no doubt want to meet up. I have the choice to meet her for coffee, take her out to lunch, or simply make and excuse. Not sure how I will feel at the time, but I will choose one of the three options and be 'awfully polite' when I respond. It really depends on how irritating the person is. If you take a deep breath and sigh with that draining Ugh feeling, then don't bother. If there is a glimmer of, well, I can do this on my terms, then perhaps meet up with her a few times a year whilst making it clear that you are busy. You have choices - just because someone is a blood relative, it is not a guarantee you will get on famously.

This thread is a few months old I wonder if Pandagranever did meet up with her sister
I doubt it ! as she was very closed in her original post that it wasn’t an option.I think that’s very sad
If someone has the humility to reach out would it hurt to meet up occasionally you don’t have to be bosom buddies but a little movement could make all the difference.

I hope you did meet up but I ve got the feeling you didn’t

I am estranged from both my sisters.
The older one resented the air I breathed from the moment I was born. She died last year. I am sad about that.
My younger sister, who I got on well when we were teenagers, did a demolition job on me to our mother. She behaved abominably towards me the last time we met, although I doubt I gave her a reason to.
Like with the elder, I have cried buckets and DH suggested I should no longer accept any advances, they have always ended badly for me, with them attacking me verbally for no apparent reason.
I am very sad about it, but my emotional health was more important to me and my family!
I have always felt “outside “ my family (parents included); so be it.

I missed this one .
I don't have any siblings and would have loved a brother or a sister..
To be honest it made me sad - I think that I'd make an effort to meet up with my sister.

Just looking through old posts, this one I missed. How very sad that someone dismisses her sister like this. It just goes a little way to understanding family estrangement. you don't need to have done anything, I think some people just resent you for whatever reason.,Perhas you think they had some thing you never did.

Will it actually harm or hurt you? Is a cup of coffee and a cake once in a while really too much ? Life’s short why not take the hand she’s obviously offering especially if you can take it as a now snd then or has she done something unforgivable in the past

If you are both now on your own it may be a nice gesture to meet up for a coffee and see how it goes. Perhaps with Christmas approaching it may be a good time to find peace and reconciliation. Ultimately you have to decide what is right for you and how you live your life.

You might enjoy it and find you enjoy getting closer- be open minded you can adjust as you go along....

In reality its your choice Pandagran28 how you live your life, spend you time and with whom and how often you choose to meet up and spend time. Youre in charge of your time, energy and boundaries.

You're sisters and you grew up together, whcih is a shared history. As adults you then no doubt both lead busy lives and she also knows youve not been particularly close as a result.

I guess as a Gransnet member you're both now getting older- maybe don't each have so many work, children demands etc. on your time. She would like to spend more time together as a result to become closer.

If thats really not something you want work out how often you would like/be willing to meet up- for what type of activities- then suggest one of those activities and try to enjoy- make the most of it at least. As you part say something along the lines " how about we do something similar in X amount of time?" if she presses for a sooner dates explain how your limits of free time/energy etc you have these days "so give me some time and I'll get back to you with some dates...."

Be respectful and kind and she will get the message.

I agree with Poppyred to give her a chance. Her circumstances may have changed.

I never had a sister but would love to have had one.

Good advice Poppy.

Why don’t you give her a chance? Meet up, if you still feel the same, then tell her.